tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41153804492247311512012-02-08T17:51:14.253+11:00Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comBlogger751100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-51469113007114189602012-02-02T20:31:00.002+11:002012-02-02T20:36:00.683+11:00

We laughed all the way to the bank, and then we laughed some more.It had been an eventful couple of weeks, as Rob and I had been planning, but the result managed to exceed our expectations. Now, a few years back, I used to set low expectations intentionally - a form of cynicism that was combined with a hint of fleeting optimism that I would be desperately attempting to hide - but those times

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-43820878157277691012012-01-06T17:48:00.001+11:002012-01-06T17:52:05.472+11:00

My experience in the bathroom just minutes ago gave me a new appreciation for that delightful colloquialism, the nefarious 'grog bog', as litres of this sickening fecal liquid exited my body for the promise of prosperity that our poor toilet bowl had to offer. Naturally, I brought this upon myself, and one should not expect to feel just fine and dandy after staying up till 4 in the morning to

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-26509324066433624592011-11-15T06:56:00.001+11:002011-11-15T06:59:20.748+11:00

I stare blankly out the window, hoping for a car crash or a robbery, or just anything out of the ordinary, really. Excitement is a fleeting concept, and has been for years. It's not the sort of thing that I can pinpoint to any particular date in time, but rather a gradual slip downhill, the sort that cannot be recognised until it is too late to climb back up. Another day; another mundane

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-62577173829381104112011-11-10T15:56:00.002+11:002011-11-10T16:05:58.931+11:00

It is difficult to explain my preoccupation with Mr. Doyle.My relationship with him ended abruptly about two years ago. I saw him once after that, and quickly ducked into a crowd of people to avoid a non-acknowledgment that would have been awkward for both of us.Rarely a day goes by that I do not think of him, however, and though I claim to despise every fibre of his being, surely this cannot

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-51099292236616352882011-11-04T03:24:00.002+11:002011-11-04T03:28:35.150+11:00

My blood is boiling; the very nerve of this person... to suggest that I might enjoy myself if I were simply to stop whining. How irrational of me to not recall that everything is controlled by my attitude! Positivity must prevail!The sort of person providing this type of advice is absent in credibility in the same way that my feet are lacking adequate circulation. Cheers for that one; if only

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-58149778505755277192011-10-21T15:27:00.001+11:002011-10-21T15:31:34.072+11:00

He's a good little gimp; no matter how many times you kick him in the head, he will always come back to lick your shoes. The more pertinent question is what this says about you.Perhaps he really is as blissfully ignorant as he appears, but more likely he is just incredibly motivated. At a certain point, you have to pause and admire the sheer persistence of the entire operation. Day in and day

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-70638604128425798642011-10-02T16:22:00.002+11:002011-10-02T16:29:22.085+11:00

Lives are enriched; father-son bonds are reaffirmed as loving; fiends stand to rake in the winnings and pay for their spawn's textbooks. All we need now is some ice cold beer, and maybe a credit card plan that deals with our honest consumers fairly.Okay, look, I'm not trying to make fun of your traditions. There is nothing wrong with what I am viewing here, questions of productivity placed

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-69573647391371260412011-09-11T20:57:00.003+10:002011-09-11T21:09:58.403+10:00

The combined austerity and stimulus packages appear to have had the desired effect, but the plan was designed only as a temporary solution, and investors are beginning to lose their patience, noting that the money continues to be transferred into the account at the same dismal pace, while expenditures only continue to rise. The calls for financial solvency are met with reassuring platitudes

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-84111865635280080752011-08-23T02:28:00.002+10:002011-08-23T02:33:22.362+10:00

The two most commonly asked questions about relationships are, 'How do I get into one?' and 'How do I get out of this one?', to which the answer to both is: a. persistence b. nonchalance c. sex-change d. wealth Your friends are going out drinking on a Friday night, and invite you along. Your lack of involvement in the planning process indicates that your friends feel: a. apathetic about your

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-14601817227065096682011-08-17T20:42:00.002+10:002011-08-17T23:07:24.694+10:00

In response to the prospect of a looming economic problem, I have devised a two-pronged strategy to combat the effects of financial hardship. They are from rivaling schools of economic theory and are designed to work together by counteracting each other in the goal of forming a policy that does not venture too far into either extreme. Regrettably, only roughly 40% of tangible finances providing

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-69071581181654201642011-05-14T08:05:00.004+10:002011-05-16T01:19:05.690+10:00

My philosophy is to live and let live, and so when I occasionally have to rebuff the eager attempts of various characters around me to have their unique, shining personalities embraced by yours truly, I start to get a little bit bitter about this 'brotherhood of man' nonsense that John Lennon and similar hedonists seemed to blabber on about endlessly.Is it so much to ask, really, to be left to

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-70963739578098928002010-12-22T18:06:00.004+11:002010-12-22T18:11:39.599+11:00

"I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs." -- Sen. John McCain, at the conclusion of the Senate's debate on a measure to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy of the U.S. military.Now that Mr. McCain has won his re-election, he is

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-52222100857301118102010-12-20T07:41:00.001+11:002010-12-20T07:43:53.775+11:00

If I have learned anything from watching television, the holiday season is about being thankful, so here is my list of things for which I am thankful (to no one in particular).[1] Television. Without it, I would be hopelessly unentertained.[2] Junk food. Without it, I would be hopelessly famished.[3] Freedom. Without it, I would be helplessly coerced.As you can see, there is much to be

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-80822832415910073702010-12-12T10:33:00.004+11:002010-12-22T21:40:15.063+11:00

When engaging in yuletide festivities, people often neglect basic protocols of safety in lieu of acting like completely uncivilised wankers. Today we will be examining a few hints and suggestions to prevent anything from ruining your Christmas celebrations.COOKINGEveryone loves an extravagant holiday feast, but we can be fairly confident that people enjoy their livelihoods more. It is

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-41522925749763824192010-10-10T14:30:00.003+11:002010-10-10T14:35:40.778+11:00

It is the one who is without fault who should throw the first stone, and despite having never actually done anything wrong, ever, I feel the need to examine the decision to execute cautiously. The scriptures mandate this penalty, and though I agree it is just, my opinions should have no bearing on the will of the mighty deity that reigns from above. This being noted, however, the person in

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-73982412417503701052010-10-08T07:36:00.001+11:002010-10-08T07:40:01.128+11:00

He is trapped in the haze, compulsively answering to its whims and firmly establishing each day the nature of the grip. Innately aware of the damage it is doing, he continues, resiliently, creating justifications to remain in the hold so that he may forget everything, for a little while, for just a little bit longer. It is not an especially productive pursuit, but it is time consuming, usually

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-8736242431839255312010-10-07T08:33:00.002+11:002010-10-07T08:41:13.254+11:00

Polling Services IncorporatedAfter a careful consideration of the opinions offered by fourteen participants, we have been able to deduce a shocking result for the question, 'Does this beard look like a desperate attempt at trying to be Amish?' (All fourteen participants were shown different pictures of beards.) With a margin of error of 35.3%, 77% of respondents said yes, while 23% were

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-58852890553584115932010-10-06T22:01:00.001+11:002010-10-06T22:09:50.839+11:00

Germaine walked out of the restaurant having lost, once again, his body in a slump as he kicked dirt, scuffing his way to the car. He was looking for something better than all of this; an avenue of recreation that brought about true satisfaction. He drove home, and got down to his knees on the driveway after he closed his door. Looking to the heavens above, he sought forgiveness for his

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-85219908759530765922010-09-30T01:04:00.003+10:002010-09-30T01:14:04.170+10:00

Okay, who shat in the sink? This kind of atmosphere is really interfering with my attempts to stay positive, especially because I have a weak stomach and so I threw up on the feces and now I'm just avoiding the bathroom completely. I did turn on the faucet, of course, but the job was hardly thorough and I am concerned that I cannot go back to clean it without triggering horrible sickness and

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-2393590779770521582010-09-25T15:37:00.001+10:002010-09-25T15:41:14.329+10:00

Are you focusing on Christmas yet? In heaven, and the North Pole, and in Oklahoma, folks are already getting pretty rowdy at the prospect of the trees and the presents and the roast turkeys and the carols and the rolling good times. But... oh, it hasn't even occurred to you, has it? Here are a number of things you should be worrying about right now!What are you going to get your boss? Your

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-67975118713709672912010-09-21T19:00:00.002+10:002010-09-21T19:09:58.378+10:00

Treating paralysis: Position person on bed if they are not on one already. Pour one tall glass of sarsaparilla, seasoned with fresh ice cubes. Splash on face, then pull person to the ground, begin stomping them in the loins, and then drag them by their hair or arm, whichever produces more pain, across the floor and out into the concrete steps (where you will hear a number of satisfying thumps)

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-74232464719646670052010-09-20T16:37:00.004+10:002010-09-20T19:06:40.742+10:00

W.R.T.: Don't go blaming President Bush for the War on Terror when we were clearly attacked by the forces of terrorism on September 11th, 2001...L.S.A.: You know, you are right. And Bush was just as much a victim as anyone else – a depressing person leading a depressing life who just wanted to go home to his depressing family at the end of a depressing day. He couldn't truly have been expected

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-69407603069656647672010-09-19T13:17:00.002+10:002010-09-19T13:21:03.126+10:00

We don't want to focus on these things too heavily, at least not with the incorrect emphasis; after all, it is the 'little things' which make life shine its most bright, but if we seek to over analyse, we run the risk of obscuring the real lesson. Nor is it wise to remain in a nostalgic mindset for gratuitous periods of time, for it is a natural cause of long-term unhappiness, but nonetheless,

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-69812497919409958102010-09-15T08:28:00.002+10:002010-09-15T08:34:50.777+10:00

The guy who we usually get to write the stuff on here, who manages to drag himself in after lunch maybe a third of the time, if we are lucky, has decided that he has what is referred to in the business as “writer's block,” which means that he has been sitting at home and drinking beer compulsively for a minimum of thirteen consecutive days, so we have farmed out the rest of the content for this

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-89001281242365236182010-09-12T16:34:00.002+10:002010-09-12T16:44:14.131+10:00

Victor A. Foley: Hello everyone, and may I just send our warmest welcome to all of you guys and gals who are tuning in with us tonight. We have the pleasure of interviewing Hubert F. Dettmann, who is presently homeless but is famous enough yet to agree to be subjected to our notorious set of 'Twelve Questions.' How are you, Hubert? Do you have a nickname, since Hubert sounds kind of dumb?

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-3504212865611799822010-09-11T11:02:00.000+10:002010-09-11T11:03:45.901+10:00

NOT INTENDED FOR EXTERNAL CIRCULATIONPlease do not distribute this document.Thank you, all members of full-time staff, for your continued hard work and dedication to our company. As a reward for your efforts, you will be receiving one free movie ticket each this week with your paycheck. To get a better discount it has to be a G-rated film. You can probably organize a group movie screening, if

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-54974315998509532382010-09-09T08:04:00.002+10:002010-09-09T08:09:03.113+10:00

“There you go again.” – Ronald ReaganI see that I may have caused you some anger, sadness, and/or inconvenience. I see that we will probably never trust each other on quite the same level as before, moving forward from this point. All of this is okay, though. I forgive you.Can we be pals again? Chums like in the good old days? Or are you just going to hold a grudge? Am I asking you too many

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-56177848232336786472010-09-07T18:04:00.002+10:002010-09-07T18:10:07.566+10:00

There comes a time in a person's life when they must contemplate the decision to install surveillance security cameras in and outside their home, and it is not a milestone to be pondered lightly. Your family may come to resent this landmark reform, but you should pay their concerns no attention, for they will do whatever you tell them to do anyway, so there is no point listening to them whine

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-22640209821844326152010-09-05T10:09:00.004+10:002010-09-05T12:46:57.953+10:00

“'At the end of the day'... at the end of the day, what, you sack of shit? At the end of the day, there's another day. Get me a cappuccino.” – Ralph Nader, to a policy assistantCoughing up all this phlegm and tar; gonna feel so good; gonna feel just fine; the doctor offered quite the stunning diagnosis... it takes me out of my mind. Don't think for one moment that I am distracted, though. My

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-33917744482601823302010-09-04T16:37:00.002+10:002010-09-04T16:43:19.912+10:00

Nobody around here is denying that we are living in tough times, that things have been pretty difficult for a lot of people these last couple of years. I mean, just take a look at some of the effects of our budget cuts here in Rotunda, where the combination of decreasing tax revenue due to the affluent citizens moving out at a remarkable pace and the debt collectors knocking on the doors of the

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-38256137173885741012010-09-03T03:37:00.000+10:002010-09-03T03:39:57.134+10:00

CHARTER—A 23-year-old man was arrested when pulled over, driving at 90 km/hr with a blood alcohol content of 0.16. Judge William Rothfuss, noting that this was the defendant's third drink driving offence, stated that it was “disturbing and unseemly that this man would be able to continue to terrorise our roads” and deemed him a threat to society. His licence has been suspended for three months

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-15097876753054666292010-09-02T08:09:00.001+10:002010-09-02T08:12:46.871+10:00

“If my head weren't screwed on to my neck with these high quality bolts, I would probably lose the damn thing.” – Malcolm XThe key to winning any dispute, above all, is persistence. By standing your ground, you allow others to determine that you are absolutely unwilling to bolt from your principles, even when they are highly unethical and/or irrational. More importantly, even if they do not

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-40289964601773348962010-09-01T08:22:00.002+10:002010-09-01T08:30:05.666+10:00

“I just caught a plane from Denver, and boy, are my arms fucking killing me anyway.”There are sights to see, places to be; people to find, which puts us in a bind. The deadline is looming over our heads like the beginning of a windy, destructive thunderstorm. As we get closer to our destination, it feels like we are only getting further away; frantically grasping at the map to figure out which

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-77736098390368102162010-08-29T14:15:00.003+10:002010-08-30T01:35:54.391+10:00

I buy only organic fruits and vegetables with the money I earn from my job serving hamburgers, and on Earth Day, I walked to the bus stop instead of driving to work, and ended up sitting at the bus stop all day. Around 5 pm, I walked back. When I got home, I turned off the lights. I wrote a letter to my local newspaper about the poor bus services, which was probably filed into the shredder

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-21782524134272316542010-08-27T08:57:00.003+10:002010-08-27T09:04:16.354+10:00

I cannot see properly; haven't been able to for four hours at least. The pre-sunrise frantic cleaning operation has begun, and I am not sure what I am doing, entirely, except that I am picking up items with my hands and then putting these items somewhere else, only to forget instantaneously what was just moved and its site of relocation. Completely, utterly useless. I'm quite sure that I

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-88831706674621013402010-08-25T07:45:00.003+10:002010-08-25T07:50:48.122+10:00

Rodgers: What do you expect me to do; sweep and mop the floor? Do I really look like I have time for this?Ulster: You look like you have all of the time in the world, Rodgers.Rodgers: Hey, get bent, man. Ain't my fucking problem.This is the sort of situation that could easily escalate into violence with the help of alcohol. Over here at the Friends & Family of Deceased Alcoholics

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-39892511057410946082010-08-23T03:45:00.002+10:002010-08-23T03:51:54.963+10:00

Nothing gets my goat more than someone becoming unreasonably upset;Everyone seems to overreact to everything and my patience is limited.I find no use in calming people and telling them not to fret.They are all completely full of shit, in the end, and that's what youNeed to remember about them, because after all, nobody is lookingOut for you (they are all really mean jerks) so you should do.Now

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-60223913129362090132010-08-22T12:55:00.002+10:002010-08-22T12:59:48.223+10:00

When all is said and done, and you are rotting away in a retirement home, long since forgotten by all but your closest friends (and not even they are a safe bet), one thing you will be able to look back on is how, at the peak of your life, you were known for throwing a hell of a party. If people still remembered you, they would be constantly bothering you with solicitations for advice on how to

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-71939092018168217212010-08-21T02:02:00.003+10:002010-08-21T06:58:25.944+10:00

If I can garner anything from the campaigns for the Australian election being held later today, it's that nobody is voting for anybody, but against someone else. Also, even if Jesus Christ returned in the next six hours (in his chocolate lathered chariot, which experienced terrible melting problems during transportation due to the ridiculous inadequacy of the elves employed to build the chariot)

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-60586096584314689382010-08-19T13:09:00.001+10:002010-08-19T13:13:32.084+10:00

I am a volcano waiting to erupt. The sordid acts I wish to commit are a plague upon those around me like they would never believe only waiting to happen. Here are a few of the things I am going to do in the next couple of days, right after I finish vacuuming the kitchen and alphebetising my bookshelf:1. Storing terrible things in the freezer equipment at my place of employment. I don't

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-56024999176739528802010-08-18T07:27:00.002+10:002010-08-18T07:31:27.469+10:00

Tell your friends and foe alike of this wonderful news, for a tale of this magnitude should be spared from no one. Now, I had a terrible condition that meant I would bruise, and my easily disgraced exterior would restrict my fun. One fateful day I met a chap named Ricardo aboard a cruise, and he encouraged me to relax, to sit around in the sun.Boy, did I sure take him up on that advice! These

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-87494052785056345162010-08-17T07:18:00.001+10:002010-08-17T07:19:51.411+10:00

Every so often, I “give gambling a go,” in the sense that I may be willing to invest a highly minimal amount of income ($1-3) on gambling machine games, usually to get nothing back and to experience a highly underwhelming, anti-climactic sense of disappointment from playing the game and observing the players around me, who are either outwardly disgusting or, for all intents and purposes, entirely

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-1743265207535298442010-08-16T03:31:00.003+10:002010-08-16T03:38:33.702+10:00

Shane on you, say I, for having the audacity to name your child something so pretentious as 'Austere Rice Jones.' You should be placed in a mental institution and your child confiscated by protective services. Shane on you, say I, for having the misplaced intrepidity to name your second child something so inherently distasteful as 'Salmonella Gloria-Alyse Jones.' You are a disgrace to your

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-34236143515320550172010-08-14T00:39:00.002+10:002010-08-14T00:43:13.293+10:00

Kindest regards and our warmest welcome to the third issue of Amazingly Short Stories, which aims to provide a look into a day in the life of a certain Mr. H. N. Anderson, whose cynical outlook on life probably began shortly after his house burned down when he was 15 years old. He has held a very unforgiving attitude towards the world ever since.Fuck You Guys, I'm LeavingI ripped open the

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-36970563370936894432010-08-12T07:23:00.005+10:002010-08-12T18:48:24.586+10:00

Greetings, heathens! Today I received an exciting letter of testimonials from St. Peter’s Church of the Assembly of Christ in Shelbyville, West Virginia. Labeled “That’s a Fact!: Startling Testimonials from the Hell-bound,” this tract explains clearly and bluntly why so many people are going to meet eternal damnation. If I may quote from it directly:“Sometimes your hatred of God really comes

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-59002623100439346472010-08-11T07:19:00.001+10:002010-08-11T07:23:37.653+10:00

In lieu of the customary bullshit coleslaw served in generous portions at this fine establishment, the following is simply a list of titles. We expect to revert to the classic formulation shortly, but for now...“I Was Thinking Today, I Should Really Get Into Gambling”“Catching a Cheating Spouse with Hypnosis and Waterboarding”“Three Ways to Gut a Nun (My Trip to Wisconsin)”“Choose Life, Unless

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-50476028165953533362010-08-10T01:22:00.004+10:002010-08-10T04:23:34.174+10:00

Here are a few little things you probably don't know about me:1. I collect dead bees. As I've never been stung, I have maintained a lifelong interest in preserving my dominance over these bloodthirsty creatures. Something tells me that bees tend to stay away from that guy with the dead bee collection. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking this. Whatever. Let's move on.2. I am a tornado survivor.

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-32584465957598486162010-08-09T02:42:00.001+10:002010-08-09T02:44:30.056+10:00

The Setting: We are on a tax-deductible, educational investigation to determine just what makes the writers tick over at the Kansas Funny Factory, a world-renowned source of comedic books and columns, headed by the successful entrepreneur Mr. Manfred R. Martinez, III.It is advertised as a lean operation, where only the most quality talent are recruited to blend their creative juices and anyone

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-60014946197908320892010-08-07T02:38:00.002+10:002010-08-07T02:57:55.708+10:00

Some of you (and you know exactly who you are) may be wondering that same all-engrossing question I often find myself asking: can we gain insight into the events of the future from our dreams? I have devoted the previous six months to studying this project in depth, and I will share a selection of my findings here. In sum, however, I would have to conclude that the answer is yes. We can predict

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-68955077624973491152010-08-05T15:34:00.003+10:002010-08-05T15:39:49.612+10:00

Don't say we never provide you with useful insider tips on how to ride to success in an increasingly perilous economy. Get in on these marketing opportunities while you still have the chance!Advanced Medical Care for a New MillenniumRequirements: baseball bat.This philosophy of health care is based on the notion that any existing pain can be numbed with the introduction of new pain. The new,

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-28866820978033060612010-08-04T16:01:00.000+10:002010-08-04T16:03:39.686+10:00

The House narrowly approved a sweeping plan to crack down on offshore drilling Friday, despite objections from Gulf Coast lawmakers and oil industry advocates who said the measure would slash U.S. jobs and curb domestic energy production. – The Houston Chronicle, July 30Color me flabbergasted that advocates for the petroleum industry weren't pleased with the political fall-out for their little

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-28495780384333304642010-08-03T14:49:00.000+10:002010-08-03T14:51:36.384+10:00

Not only am I lovingly married with children, I happen to believe very strongly that we are the unique creation of an invisible man who resides in the clouds. I also happen to know a great deal about welfare abuse, and I'm eager to reform the system to really cull those money grubbing little pieces of shit once and for all. – Tony Abbott, while having a beer with reporters, 27/07/10What is the

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-74763104266356005732010-08-02T16:30:00.001+10:002010-08-02T16:32:18.372+10:00

It is definitely not the best feeling in the universe, what I have right now. Physically, I am somewhere between constipation and diarrhea. My breath is somewhere between vomit and chewing gum. My appearance is hastily assembled from the remains of a serious trashing. I am only just keeping myself together; I am hanging by the barest thread.We were merely looking for a good time: watching

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-47280243592534244162010-07-31T15:57:00.000+10:002010-07-31T16:00:29.387+10:00

#1: You don't have to worry about being homeless. Poverty is a fate rarely visited upon by the valiant soul who has sought and attained a good education, and likewise homelessness can only occur to the most illiterate of people who toil in their lack of clean clothes and in their ignorance of Roman history. Uneducated and homeless, these people become trapped in a vicious cycle of vagabond

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-58831832974497255512010-07-30T06:05:00.002+10:002010-08-02T16:29:00.161+10:00

You are:a. Working part-time at a bar/cafe/clothing outletb. About to have your second childc. Investing heavily in the stock marketIf any of the above apply to you, stop reading immediately. The information in this article is also not safe for those who live in heavily snowy areas, are hoping to obtain financial security by riding on the success of their friends, or engage in underground bird

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-43678761110750676732010-07-28T07:33:00.002+10:002010-07-28T07:36:32.442+10:00

If you had been picking cotton all day like I have, you'd be feeling tired and reckless too. – AristotleDo you ever stop to think about what it's like to take a walk in someone else's shoes? Someone else's socks? Maybe their pants and underwear too? It might be very constricting and you have no idea. You haven't even tried it. How can you judge someone fairly without knowing every aspect of

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-23870101382077859212010-07-25T13:51:00.003+10:002010-07-25T14:25:25.866+10:00

It's not the way he moves, nor the way he speaks; it's not what he knows, nor who he knows: he makes the calls, and he gets things done. He asks for what he wants, and then he receives it. His wish is your command.Do you want to be this person? If so, you've probably come to the right place. Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. His name is Rodney, and he is “the shit.” Whenever

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-7271795338489280832010-07-23T13:31:00.001+10:002010-07-27T13:32:09.791+10:00

Everywhere I go, everywhere I look: you stalk me like no other, and your presence haunts me like a ghost. You've gotten rid of all of the things that I enjoyed about you; all of your traits I liked the most. I try to find some relief in something, anything; but you are there, menacing and impossible to avoid. Then one day I come along to hear that you are packing up and moving away, and I am

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-60775283532797401532010-07-19T12:38:00.002+10:002010-07-19T12:41:55.277+10:00

It's more of the HIGH QUALITY, in-depth, riveting coverage you have been waiting for! Q: What in God's name is that lunatic going on about? A: Which one? Q: The one claiming to be your assistant at the front desk. A: Oh yes. He is one of my deluded fans. Ignore him.We're always live, ON SCENE, where real news is actually happening!R: Well, Jim, it looks like what we have here is a baseball riot

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-35691011152139703102010-07-18T13:30:00.004+10:002010-07-23T13:46:29.599+10:00

Are you looking for excitement this month? Are you sick and tired of your mundane life at home? If the answer is yes (and of course it is!), it's time to pack your bags and drive over to Yullhitzville, where the summers are cold and the residents don't talk about winter. On the way there, you'll get to make lots of stops at your favourite gasoline stores and fine dining restaurants, as well as

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-81304427289064683142010-07-15T00:27:00.002+10:002010-07-15T00:34:43.498+10:00

Gadfreys: Who are you kidding, dude? You can't pull off that hat.Rockefeller: I absolutely can, man. This is the answer to all of my problems! I have been checking myself out in the mirror all morning and I am without a doubt the world's hottest guy in this outfit. The baseball cap is what completes the whole thing, man. Makes it perfect. You can't honestly be dissing on this get-up.[FOUR

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-10299861359388476822010-07-14T01:17:00.002+10:002010-07-14T01:20:16.511+10:00

But if you try sometimes, you just might find that you aren't going to get what you need, either. Welcome to the second issue of Amazingly Short Stories, which remains notoriously unknown, but yearns to share with you the powerful lessons learned from the following people who have endured hardship throughout their morose and tortured existences.Our Love Will Be ForeverRoland was feeling

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-48307590882618675522010-07-13T00:25:00.001+10:002010-07-13T00:27:30.473+10:00

Everything seems so futile sometimes. I take a step back, really examine things closely and I can't help but conclude that everything I have done, all I have been working to create, it's all pointless. Completely and utterly pointless. I feel like this so much that I have begun drinking a lot, and can't really stop. Sometimes I get confused and think that the alcohol is what made me depressed

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-5350159955241132792010-07-12T01:14:00.003+10:002010-07-28T07:48:01.323+10:00

Hi there, earnest Christian reader! My name is John, and today I will again be addressing the letters of good concerned people from all across the nation. I hope and pray that you find this information useful in equipping yourselves in combat! All over our great country we are fighting a “culture war”: on your college campus, at the local Wal-Mart, and yes, even in your own home. If you are

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-46736066329668148552010-07-10T00:42:00.002+10:002010-07-10T00:47:14.582+10:00

Hello; I work for a 'chamomile tea party' group as an assistant policy adviser and my dedication to opposing the socialist agenda in Washington has been brilliant BUT I must remain anonymous for security reasons. Today I would like to outline a number of woefully inadequate solutions for some serious problems we currently face. I will also provide you with the juicy details on how we will

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-35971602985187476812010-07-09T01:27:00.001+10:002010-07-09T01:34:17.448+10:00

It's been a dreadful week in Lake Worstershire, a decaying town where all of the men are jobless, all of the women are over medicated, and all of the children have entirely hopeless outlooks on life.Robin Jamison broke his nose last Sunday during an altercation with Rats McFeagle, the town's token criminal scumbag and street urchin. Rats had last been seen sniffing gasoline near a dumpster in an

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-8980050308253200202010-07-07T02:22:00.001+10:002010-07-07T02:29:10.836+10:00

Tired of losing arguments on the Internet, or worse, with real people? Imagine the setting: you are at a party talking to some people you don't know. The snob just next to you (and the punch bowl) is spouting complete garbage about the sanctity of life, and you want to stand up for the noble cause of reproductive autonomy. There are many ways to tackle this particular topic, and depending on

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-48337766921788159482010-07-06T00:26:00.001+10:002010-07-06T00:28:45.127+10:00

A young man was in search of a tree which would give him knowledge of all of the earth's well-kept secrets.Though he had been warned by many an experienced voyager who had taken the same path as he, naturally his curiosity got the better of him and so his wisdom took a backseat as he traveled across the world in the vain hope of locating this miraculous plant.One day, he grew tired from his

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-8405524403505416582010-07-05T02:32:00.005+10:002010-07-05T02:36:53.356+10:00

The real problem here, you could say, if you were really being frank about it, and I would prefer that you wouldn't be, but regardless, or irregardless (they mean the same thing, not to change the subject), is that I have a motivation disorder (anti-motivational syndrome, to be specific). I can trace it back to when I was fifteen years old. It had been a grueling day at school, full of rigorous

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-10161687699915990352010-07-04T13:06:00.005+10:002010-07-28T07:48:48.629+10:00

Ever since the Jews buried fossils across the earth in 1922 to misguide scientists into a dangerous mindset of evolutionary dogma, the mainstream public has been decreasingly accepting of God’s word as described in the first three chapters of Genesis; namely, that God created Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve!) and allowed them to have children, spawning humanity as we know it.This week, as always

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-21085964791387093682010-07-03T00:38:00.002+10:002010-07-03T01:19:15.791+10:00

Welcome to the first issue of Amazingly Short Stories, the notoriously unknown underground publication which never disappoints in the form of riveting, soul-tickling tales. Today our theme is a “Guide to Extreme Living.” Through the stories of the following three people, we see a dedication to extreme living (ed. note – whatever the fuck that is, anyway) which is uncommon in today’s society.

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-71638950245269755762010-07-02T01:16:00.003+10:002010-07-02T14:57:38.379+10:00

...Because Every Look So Far Has Been DishonestToday we will explore five commonly cited goals of urban advocates and suggest some solutions to tackle the issues raised by these goals. In doing so, we hope to avoid ideological pettiness and subjectivity by examining proposals with an open mind and with the stated purpose of advancing the cause of urban areas at the extreme detrimental expense of

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-65590433649884563412010-07-01T00:32:00.000+10:002010-07-01T01:11:31.301+10:00

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – For most people, Tuesday, June 29 this year was just a normal day. Perhaps Roger Williams of Goose Creek, Kentucky, is an exception. While attending a Spanish class at his public high school, he allegedly received a “divine revelation” from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a member of the Royal Godhead and serves as God's present spiritual representative, and has made many

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-49023785397366445412010-06-30T01:29:00.000+10:002010-07-01T00:42:48.573+10:00

Students hoping to enroll in George Lowman University of Summerville, Missouri* this year were provided with an entrance exam which asked a series of short response questions. What follows is the final question and what were determined to be the best six responses. All of these students succeeded in placing for enrollment at the university for 2010**.What are the major influences that help

Mapeventnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4115380449224731151.post-27696484301442401602010-06-27T23:44:00.003+10:002010-07-28T07:49:19.055+10:00

Well I've been to some far out places, I've read the writing on the wall;But today I walked with Jesus and together; together we walk tall. - Spacemen 3, 'Ode to Street Hassle'Congratulations! You have just won a special ONE-TIME OFFER to be a prophet!Anyone who has read the Bible in its entirety will not require the help provided here, as anyone who has done this knows how effortless writing

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