Pickles

While we're on the subject of sandwiches, why does the average person in our society tolerate pornography from a moral perspective, and not prostitution? The pornography industry, after all, trades in sex, and as such, pays people to have sex, only it is more 'degrading' than prostitution because everybody else gets to watch.

Getting paid to masturbate is about as good as it gets. Imagine someone purchasing your time, let's say at the rate of about 33 cents a minute, and then simply spending that time -- this time which belongs to somebody else -- on pleasuring yourself. Employers of unskilled workers tend to fail to account for productivity lost to secretive masturbation, and this is why so many small businesses fail. The practice is even more rampant in the office, but the owners of these larger corporations tend to assume that their minions all suffer from irritable bowel syndrome. And maybe they do, but colour me sceptical that four out of five white collar workers deal with this condition. No, they are committing onanisms (to use a biblically friendly colloquialism) on somebody else's dime.

The chance of these people washing their hands is not great, but they are not the sort that tend to be guilty of noise pollution.

This public nuisance is caused by many things -- motorcycles, sporting events, political rallies -- but the underlying theme connecting all of these sources of unwanted din is a pent up frustration. Whether it is long standing anxiety regarding the inadequacy of one's social status, or even just a proclivity to being bitten by mosquitoes, the solution for these obnoxiously loud individuals is clear: find a job, and start masturbating there. As long as it's not in a pornography studio.

Physical Intimacy

Mucus

There is something innately satisfying about the taste of mucus, and this factor may be responsible for my general unwillingness to take medication in response to influenza. A great sense of accomplishment comes with producing this substance, and it seems a shame not to recycle it, to enjoy its unique flavour and tongue-friendly texture. Incidentally, if one tires of consuming it, great fun can also be found in collecting it, such as storing it in a clear plastic bottle on one's desk, and watching the amount grow as the sickness progresses.

In good health, the dried contents of the nostrils are also a delicious treat, and strengthen the immune system. Many people feign intense repulsion at the mention of this activity, and some will even go so far as to claim they never do it, but in both cases they unintentionally demonstrate poor lying skills.

Skin

Everyone eats their scabs (although you have to pick them off at the right time, or terrible things may happen), and it is undeniable that the experience of eating dried blood is a real delight, but it is far more pleasurable to satiate one's appetite with other parts of the skin. Fun fact: the most effective way to prevent the recurrence of pimples is to eat them.

Of course, dandruff is the perfect item for people with long hair, short hair, and even baldness. Never again will you be tempted to have a few sips of shampoo when the aroma can simply be found with a gentle scratch and some light pulling, as the dried skin is painstakingly removed from your head so as to avoid crumbling (and resulting mess), only to be looked at with intense scrutiny ("wow, this was just sitting up there!") before being thrown down the hatch, like a piece of candy, but much better for your teeth, unless you end up gnashing them. This is the best part of your skin to eat, but there is also the skin around your fingernails, which brings us to...

Nails

It is obviously necessary to maintain the upkeep of your fingernails, so as to prevent them from growing too long. Some people neglect this basic hygienic task and end up being able to open cans of soft drinks without the assistance of their keys, and they are indeed mentally ill at best, but unfortunately the political will to mandate human declawment is sorely lacking.

After ensuring that your nails are at an adequate level of crawling back inside your hand in horror, it is time to get to work on everything else in the general area, as all of the skin around the nails and on the ends of your fingers is fantastic for ensuring a diet full of vitamins and nutrients. A good rule of thumb is to never stop chewing, and if you are lucky you may bite a little hole in your finger, which produces hydration in the form of savoury blood.

Feet

Eating toenails is not for everyone. It is not unreasonable, however, to clip your toenails and then eat the clippings to get around issues of flexibility or lack thereof. The distinctive flavour is best enjoyed sparingly, and this is where the risk of serious tooth damage begins to reach dangerous levels. To curb this reasonable desire, it is highly recommended that you
a. sleep in your socks
b. do not change them when you wake up

This presents problems in the odour department, but it is a small price to pay for the savings on dental bills and chewing gum.