Are you sitting at your desk, wondering what you are going to do with all of your copious free time this holiday season, yet you can't get the thought of your filthy cupboards out of your mind?
Just because the country grinds to a halt for a week and a half while you watch your relatives slide ever further into alcoholism, that doesn't mean that you have to, too.
Here's some good news: instead of wasting away with tedious hobbies and personal interests, you can make a real investment in your future by detail cleaning every last inch of your home. And I'm not talking about some kind of phony spiritual investment; no, no snake oil here: just cold, hard cash. You stand to make the big bucks just by escaping your final house inspection with most of your bond returned! Enticed?
These are just a few helpful hints that will make cleaning your residence a real piece of pumpkin pie.
1. Replace Your Toothbrush
Dentists recommend that you replace your toothbrush every three months, but then again, they also recommend that you visit them twice a year, and nobody has that kind of money. But replacing your toothbrush is easy and fun, and the good news is that you can use the old one to scrub hard-to-reach surfaces, like the crevice near your neglected sink and the cat litter tray. Just make sure that you hide those well-used toothbrushes out of the plain view when your real estate agent comes by for your monthly inspection. If they have a stroke on site, the cost of the ambulance WILL be deducted from your bond.
2. Individually Pick Every Piece of Fluff Off of Your Carpet
This is a great way to help the environment by reducing your electricity usage, and could potentially double as an exercise routine. You could even use the time to socialize by calling a friend and putting them on speaker. Not possible with the intrusive noise of a vacuum cleaner!
3. Move Your Furniture
We all know that lazy person who cleans around their furniture instead of underneath it. Did you know that the build up of crumbs, dander, threads, and other little bits of shit under your bookshelf accumulate over time and turn into a carcinogenic cluster of deadly disease waiting to happen? Prevent that financial disaster by taking the books off of the shelves, moving the case somewhere else and getting rid of that liability! You can even use that opportunity to dust the shelves. Who says you need to hire a maid when you have a mandatory break from work?
4. Spend Your Holiday Somewhere Else
Minimize time spent on cleaning tasks this holiday season by kicking that can down the road and going somewhere else. Count your blessings, notice any unsanitary areas in your host's home, and point them out before Christmas lunch. Please note, however, that you will still lose your bond if you don't clean your rotting dwelling - but maybe there's a chance you can get it done over Easter!
5. Monetize Your Vacation
Going away, but don't like the sound of a heavy duty cleaning frenzy over the Easter four day weekend? Okay, here's a better plan. Rent out your house to some friendly folks over Airbnb, and offer them a discount if they clean it for you. You'll probably want to browse their medical records before letting strangers stay in your home - but a bit of light reading sure beats pouring methylated spirits down the sink and hoping that it will finally kill the mosquitoes that breed in your drain.
Phew - are you sick of cleaning yet? Don't worry; there is light at the end of this tunnel. January 3rd is just around the corner. Back to work, everybody!
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
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