Tuesday, December 20, 2016

5 Tips for Holiday Deep Cleaning

Are you sitting at your desk, wondering what you are going to do with all of your copious free time this holiday season, yet you can't get the thought of your filthy cupboards out of your mind?

Just because the country grinds to a halt for a week and a half while you watch your relatives slide ever further into alcoholism, that doesn't mean that you have to, too.

Here's some good news: instead of wasting away with tedious hobbies and personal interests, you can make a real investment in your future by detail cleaning every last inch of your home.  And I'm not talking about some kind of phony spiritual investment; no, no snake oil here: just cold, hard cash.  You stand to make the big bucks just by escaping your final house inspection with most of your bond returned!  Enticed?

These are just a few helpful hints that will make cleaning your residence a real piece of pumpkin pie.

1. Replace Your Toothbrush

Dentists recommend that you replace your toothbrush every three months, but then again, they also recommend that you visit them twice a year, and nobody has that kind of money.  But replacing your toothbrush is easy and fun, and the good news is that you can use the old one to scrub hard-to-reach surfaces, like the crevice near your neglected sink and the cat litter tray.  Just make sure that you hide those well-used toothbrushes out of the plain view when your real estate agent comes by for your monthly inspection.  If they have a stroke on site, the cost of the ambulance WILL be deducted from your bond.

2. Individually Pick Every Piece of Fluff Off of Your Carpet

This is a great way to help the environment by reducing your electricity usage, and could potentially double as an exercise routine.  You could even use the time to socialize by calling a friend and putting them on speaker.  Not possible with the intrusive noise of a vacuum cleaner!

3. Move Your Furniture

We all know that lazy person who cleans around their furniture instead of underneath it.  Did you know that the build up of crumbs, dander, threads, and other little bits of shit under your bookshelf accumulate over time and turn into a carcinogenic cluster of deadly disease waiting to happen? Prevent that financial disaster by taking the books off of the shelves, moving the case somewhere else and getting rid of that liability!  You can even use that opportunity to dust the shelves.  Who says you need to hire a maid when you have a mandatory break from work?

4. Spend Your Holiday Somewhere Else

Minimize time spent on cleaning tasks this holiday season by kicking that can down the road and going somewhere else.  Count your blessings, notice any unsanitary areas in your host's home, and point them out before Christmas lunch.  Please note, however, that you will still lose your bond if you don't clean your rotting dwelling - but maybe there's a chance you can get it done over Easter!

5. Monetize Your Vacation

Going away, but don't like the sound of a heavy duty cleaning frenzy over the Easter four day weekend?  Okay, here's a better plan.  Rent out your house to some friendly folks over Airbnb, and offer them a discount if they clean it for you.  You'll probably want to browse their medical records before letting strangers stay in your home - but a bit of light reading sure beats pouring methylated spirits down the sink and hoping that it will finally kill the mosquitoes that breed in your drain.

Phew - are you sick of cleaning yet?  Don't worry; there is light at the end of this tunnel.  January 3rd is just around the corner.  Back to work, everybody!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

How to Identify a Naturopath

The following character qualities are commonly associated with naturopaths.  Anyone displaying more than two (2) of these traits has a 75% chance of possessing naturopathic tendencies.  Anyone displaying all of these traits is a guaranteed naturopath; avoid these people at all costs and report them to legal and/or medical authorities when you are in a safe location to prevent harm to you & your person.

Charm

Every naturopath worth his or her salt is ruthlessly charming, to the point where they could be standing in front of you, using a pair of tongs to dip a live gerbil into boiling soup, and you would find them endearing.  This is not your fault; you have been hypnotised by their glib and superficial demeanor, and the gerbil is now suffering second degree burns.  They will have an uncanny ability to persuade you of even the most outlandish untruths.

Charisma

Independent of their charm is their captivating speaking style: a verbal flow so natural and poetic that you would be hard pressed to disagree with them even if they were espousing a sincere belief in geocentricity (which, my scientist friends tell me, is apparently false).  Especially charismatic naturopaths may express a desire to 'change' or 'rule' the world, either through entering politics or by convincing you to drink cyanide.

Dishonesty

Every naturopath begins lying in their youth, and it regresses into a pathological behaviour that leaves a trail of havoc and destruction.  No naturopath will ever admit to lying, nor apologise for it; rather, they will tell more lies in a (likely successful) attempt to assure you that they are merely sharing a realistic interpretation of the facts with you.  It is impossible for the naturopath to experience remorse, and so they will have no reservations about lying in a variety of circumstances.  Naturopaths do not fail polygraph tests.

Incapacity for Love

The naturopath cannot love, but merely manipulate others into loving them, so long as it suits their needs.  They are constrained by an especially strong type of narcissism that prevents them from experiencing empathy.

Poor Grades, Behavioural Problems

Despite an appearance of intelligence, the naturopath will receive a lackluster academic record, showcase an inability to hold stable employment, and find stimulation in gambling, substance abuse, and promiscuity.  The death drive as theorised by Sigmund Freud at the end of his decrepit life, whilst absurd in discussion of the healthy psyche, seems present in the naturopath.  The naturopath inadvertently desires to leave nothing behind.  Naturopaths are prone to acts of self-destructive violence and it is commonly their utter disregard for everything, including their own safety, that makes them both difficult to comprehend and particularly dangerous.

Misoneism

Naturopaths are prone to patterns of addiction and habituation.  They generally take a conservative approach to their personal affairs; the naturopath finds change of any kind difficult to embrace and will often react violently to it.



Treatment of Naturopaths

Though historically a number of remedies and punishments have been prescribed for those suffering from moral disorders (including, but not limited to, sedation, execution, amputation, lobotomisation, and integration), society continues to struggle with how to properly accommodate the needs of naturopaths while protecting the rights of others.  Existing human rights laws prevent us from being able to perform exciting experiments on the naturopath.  The best course of action we can recommend is to notify law enforcement immediately should you come into contact with one.  It is crucial not to notify the naturopath of your knowledge of his condition, as they are expert murderers.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pickles

While we're on the subject of sandwiches, why does the average person in our society tolerate pornography from a moral perspective, and not prostitution? The pornography industry, after all, trades in sex, and as such, pays people to have sex, only it is more 'degrading' than prostitution because everybody else gets to watch.

Getting paid to masturbate is about as good as it gets. Imagine someone purchasing your time, let's say at the rate of about 33 cents a minute, and then simply spending that time -- this time which belongs to somebody else -- on pleasuring yourself. Employers of unskilled workers tend to fail to account for productivity lost to secretive masturbation, and this is why so many small businesses fail. The practice is even more rampant in the office, but the owners of these larger corporations tend to assume that their minions all suffer from irritable bowel syndrome. And maybe they do, but colour me sceptical that four out of five white collar workers deal with this condition. No, they are committing onanisms (to use a biblically friendly colloquialism) on somebody else's dime.

The chance of these people washing their hands is not great, but they are not the sort that tend to be guilty of noise pollution.

This public nuisance is caused by many things -- motorcycles, sporting events, political rallies -- but the underlying theme connecting all of these sources of unwanted din is a pent up frustration. Whether it is long standing anxiety regarding the inadequacy of one's social status, or even just a proclivity to being bitten by mosquitoes, the solution for these obnoxiously loud individuals is clear: find a job, and start masturbating there. As long as it's not in a pornography studio.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Physical Intimacy

Mucus

There is something innately satisfying about the taste of mucus, and this factor may be responsible for my general unwillingness to take medication in response to influenza. A great sense of accomplishment comes with producing this substance, and it seems a shame not to recycle it, to enjoy its unique flavour and tongue-friendly texture. Incidentally, if one tires of consuming it, great fun can also be found in collecting it, such as storing it in a clear plastic bottle on one's desk, and watching the amount grow as the sickness progresses.

In good health, the dried contents of the nostrils are also a delicious treat, and strengthen the immune system. Many people feign intense repulsion at the mention of this activity, and some will even go so far as to claim they never do it, but in both cases they unintentionally demonstrate poor lying skills.

Skin

Everyone eats their scabs (although you have to pick them off at the right time, or terrible things may happen), and it is undeniable that the experience of eating dried blood is a real delight, but it is far more pleasurable to satiate one's appetite with other parts of the skin. Fun fact: the most effective way to prevent the recurrence of pimples is to eat them.

Of course, dandruff is the perfect item for people with long hair, short hair, and even baldness. Never again will you be tempted to have a few sips of shampoo when the aroma can simply be found with a gentle scratch and some light pulling, as the dried skin is painstakingly removed from your head so as to avoid crumbling (and resulting mess), only to be looked at with intense scrutiny ("wow, this was just sitting up there!") before being thrown down the hatch, like a piece of candy, but much better for your teeth, unless you end up gnashing them. This is the best part of your skin to eat, but there is also the skin around your fingernails, which brings us to...

Nails

It is obviously necessary to maintain the upkeep of your fingernails, so as to prevent them from growing too long. Some people neglect this basic hygienic task and end up being able to open cans of soft drinks without the assistance of their keys, and they are indeed mentally ill at best, but unfortunately the political will to mandate human declawment is sorely lacking.

After ensuring that your nails are at an adequate level of crawling back inside your hand in horror, it is time to get to work on everything else in the general area, as all of the skin around the nails and on the ends of your fingers is fantastic for ensuring a diet full of vitamins and nutrients. A good rule of thumb is to never stop chewing, and if you are lucky you may bite a little hole in your finger, which produces hydration in the form of savoury blood.

Feet

Eating toenails is not for everyone. It is not unreasonable, however, to clip your toenails and then eat the clippings to get around issues of flexibility or lack thereof. The distinctive flavour is best enjoyed sparingly, and this is where the risk of serious tooth damage begins to reach dangerous levels. To curb this reasonable desire, it is highly recommended that you
a. sleep in your socks
b. do not change them when you wake up

This presents problems in the odour department, but it is a small price to pay for the savings on dental bills and chewing gum.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Worth the Effort

We laughed all the way to the bank, and then we laughed some more.

It had been an eventful couple of weeks, as Rob and I had been planning, but the result managed to exceed our expectations. Now, a few years back, I used to set low expectations intentionally - a form of cynicism that was combined with a hint of fleeting optimism that I would be desperately attempting to hide - but those times were gone. Rob and I were wiser now, and we knew that the fruits of our labour would only be as satisfying as the confidence we poured into it, which is why, for our final hurrah, we went 'all in.'

It is said that people who try to scam others are more susceptible to manipulation themselves, and being aware of this, we took every precaution to prevent this from happening. As such, we both bordered on levels of extreme paranoia, relying on each other to curb certain thought processes from going too far. All in all, I'd say we did a pretty good job, which is why we are now sipping on Irish coffee, in a tropical paradise (yes, we drink hot beverages in an equatorial climate; screw convention).

Loneliness is not an issue when you have everything you could ever possibly want, which is why neither of us ever experience it. Whenever such emotions begin to surface, we must only observe how truly unfortunate our previous friends, family, and colleagues are now, continuing to toil at the hands of their masters for the minor privilege of being able to afford to live. No, we are better than them, and we have no use for their miserable company, either; who wants to be surrounded by a bunch of cretins complaining about their work lives? I can only sympathise with these ... these people for so long before enough is enough.

There is only one lingering problem, which is that I cannot trust Rob. Every so often, it occurs to me that he was willing to work alongside me in securing our fortune, an ethical horror show of epic proportions; the manifestation of the tired expression of taking candy from a baby. I would ask him about it, just in case this has not occurred to him, but he is a pretty intelligent fellow, and he probably doesn't trust me, either, which is another thing that I find annoying, because I happen to think that I am quite trustworthy. I mean, I trust myself, so why shouldn't he trust me too?

But everything is fine - really. If you see my friends, tell them that I was found hanging from a ceiling fixture in my uncle's house. The reality of our situation is something of which I'd prefer they remain unaware.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Scatological Studies

My experience in the bathroom just minutes ago gave me a new appreciation for that delightful colloquialism, the nefarious 'grog bog', as litres of this sickening fecal liquid exited my body for the promise of prosperity that our poor toilet bowl had to offer. Naturally, I brought this upon myself, and one should not expect to feel just fine and dandy after staying up till 4 in the morning to sit around drinking beers until there are no more. Washed down with the aid of sausages and fried onions, and a generous portion of bread to soak up the gratuitous oils dripping across the plate, I woke up with one of those deceptive hangovers that were perhaps best described by Dylan Moran as feeling quite adequate until making it from the bedroom to the kitchen, when the goblins come out of the woodwork to unleash their vengeance.

The famed 'clean wipe', once all too common after meals consisting of cardboard (think the blandest of fast food), becomes an increasingly mythical prospect as the diet of 'anything goes' continues to pace along, unchecked. A few years ago, I could scarf down cheeseburgers and gummy bears all day long only to calmly approach my bathroom, sit there for a minute or two, and use toilet paper that, for all intents and purposes, could very well have been placed back on the roll. Those were simpler times, and I am led to believe that this situation is only going to get worse.

Now, of course, the process is an event, often broken up into many different scenes, each one more frightening than the one prior. I arrive to the commode to make my deposit, and then fifteen or thirty minutes later, I realise that my work was incomplete, and so I must return, and spend slightly longer, and use considerably more tissue, and feel slightly more demoralised about my day, until the evening when I have lost any semblance of a will to live.

It's not just defecation. I have recurring nightmares about cracking my teeth, but that very well could be a blessing in disguise, as they would at least then get replaced with shiny new fake ones. Not even the most vigilant brusher of one's mouth is immune to the horrors of the constant bombardment of coffee, alcohol, and fried fat, culminating in what could charitably be described as chronic halitosis. On the most unfortunate of afternoons, it tastes and feels like a terrible chemical explosion in a chocolate and ketchup factory, as the workers run for their lives only to drown in a bloodthirsty pool of sugar. The plaque that accumulates on my gums could very well be used to produce yellow paint, if not for its fatal odour.

Yes, there are many things to look forward to as we age, and now, if you'll excuse me, I must dash to the W.C.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

We Are Still Married

I stare blankly out the window, hoping for a car crash or a robbery, or just anything out of the ordinary, really. Excitement is a fleeting concept, and has been for years. It's not the sort of thing that I can pinpoint to any particular date in time, but rather a gradual slip downhill, the sort that cannot be recognised until it is too late to climb back up. Another day; another mundane collection of half hearted routines. Nothing short of a military invasion could quite rectify this suspended state of nothingness.

Long ago, I lost all of my friends so that I could focus on providing for my family, a group of people who I might be lucky if they call me because it is their birthday. Every few years, a comrade from the past would come knocking, barely able to string together a coherent sentence as they explained that their marriage had fallen apart and they needed somewhere to stay for a while. A few months of binge drinking on our sofa, and they would either clean up and move on with their lives, or, more likely, go back to the wife and children with a new appreciation for their loved ones. Either of these scenarios seems patently more interesting than maintenance for the sake of it, and yet I lack the resolve to do anything about it. How could it possibly be reasonable to run off if I have been willing to put up with it until now?

My oldest friend, Pete, had a similar crisis about two years ago, abandoning his wife and moving to the other side of the country. He and I did not keep in touch very consistently over the last decade, as we both became more withdrawn from anything that did not involve reading the newspaper. He described to me, shortly before his departure, a magnificent sob story of such incredible boredom that he had begun burning himself on the kitchen stove, with a set of accompanying repugnant evidence. Feeling as though his children were ungrateful and his wife had merely settled and made no secret of it, either to him or to her friends, he was left no choice but to run away and never think about any of it again. Though at first I was offended that he never contacted me or anyone else since, over time I became more upset with viewing the results. The way his wife reacted, he may as well have hung himself in their bedroom.

The loyal son had to move back to his paltry and decaying hometown to try and alleviate the ramifications, to little avail. Perhaps I should be careful what I wish for: this was no car crash or robbery, but far worse, a needlessly dramatic episode that lingers on even after the event is further distanced from the present.

People walk past them and smile; and though they may feel pity, or even anger with Pete for having run off like that, she interprets it as condescension, a sort of judgmental 'how could you screw up so badly for him to disappear' line of questioning that everyone is too polite to vocalise. She grows to resent their refusal to bring it up. Is everyone going to keep moving along as though nothing happened?

Unsatisfied as I may be, I am innately an uncourageous person, and so I will continue to read the newspaper each morning without absorbing any of it, and eat the same three meals each day, and leave the television turned on while nobody pays it any attention. If I continue to glance out the window for long enough, perhaps troops will arrive in our small town, declare victory as we all remain in our homes, scared out of our wits, and enslave us as hard labourers for a brutal regime. At least we are still married.