The two most commonly asked questions about relationships are, 'How do I get into one?' and 'How do I get out of this one?', to which the answer to both is:
a. persistence
b. nonchalance
c. sex-change
d. wealth
Your friends are going out drinking on a Friday night, and invite you along. Your lack of involvement in the planning process indicates that your friends feel:
a. apathetic about your potential contributions
b. embarrassed to associate with you
c. genuine remorse for not hanging out with you earlier in the week
d. as though watching you vomit in public is a worthwhile endeavour
Three ex-coal miners open up some beers over a campfire. Four hours later, they are wreaking havoc and destruction throughout the small city in which they grew up. Are they:
a. expressing their resentment towards the economic situation
b. in clear violation of their county's 'dry law'
c. littered with Confederate tattoos and obscenely racist
d. just having a good time
You are sitting in the food court of a typical mall when nearby you see an old man standing look down to the ground to discover a $5 note. He bends down to collect it and cracks his back. He probably needs:
a. a massive decrease in pension and welfare benefits
b. children who appreciated him more
c. advice from a pastor, minister or priest
d. to reserve a date at the crematorium
If the sky is blue, and the moon is composed of cheese, is it:
a. fair to believe in Santa Claus
b. reasonable to assert doubt in the blueness of the sky
c. outrageous that Neil Armstrong didn't take off his shoes
d. time for more grilled cheese and less carbon tax
Three wolves go hunting. It would be most sportsmanlike of them if they were to shoot:
a. men
b. women
c. children
d. the disabled
The government undergoes a fascist takeover and you are tapped to head a task force enabled to initiate the required actions to engage in a genocidal social cleansing. You make it your priority to go after:
a. political opponents
b. Mormons
c. both of the above
d. everyone not listed in 'c'
Two people go to a cinema to view a film. They decide to see a full-length motion picture based on a highly acclaimed animated children's series. Their tradition for watching movies necessitates that they bring:
a. sour candy
b. homecooked caramel popcorn
c. four rabid dogs and a pistol
d. their dumbass kid who insisted on seeing this movie in the first place
Correct answers will be revealed, accompanied with pretentious analysis, no later than December 1, 2012.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My Pap Smear
In response to the prospect of a looming economic problem, I have devised a two-pronged strategy to combat the effects of financial hardship. They are from rivaling schools of economic theory and are designed to work together by counteracting each other in the goal of forming a policy that does not venture too far into either extreme. Regrettably, only roughly 40% of tangible finances providing for the continued operation of this entity are available to be altered in budget deliberations. Exact figures were unavailable upon request and the status of this inquiry does not appear likely to improve.
Personal Austerity Package (PAP)
When faced with a potential increase in a basic cost of living, spending cuts are one way to alleviate the perceived toll on the budget associated with these circumstances. These particular austerity measures demand the following:
- a 61% decrease in food, groceries, and dining expenses
- a 40% decrease in social and discretionary expenses
- an 18% decrease in recreational (tobacco/alcohol) expenses
- a 13% decrease in cannabis & medical expenses.
---
Stimulus to Mitigate Emergency & Apply Relief (SMEAR)
In a time of financial difficulty, it is essential to provide allowances for problems firm in the knowledge that the situation will eventually improve. This stimulus looks at certain ways to address the concerns that the PAP may have a negative effect on physical or psychological health by stipulating the following:
- removal of regulations prohibiting the accumulation of outstanding debt
- a 4-month 'grace period' delay in the implementation of the recreational & medical spending cuts
- the successful completion of a tax return
- examination of methods to protect finances without making any adjustments whatsoever to lifestyle following the cuts outlined in PAP (scheduling and strict budgeting of food purchases; bulk purchase of recreational products; procurement of coupons)
Personal Austerity Package (PAP)
When faced with a potential increase in a basic cost of living, spending cuts are one way to alleviate the perceived toll on the budget associated with these circumstances. These particular austerity measures demand the following:
- a 61% decrease in food, groceries, and dining expenses
- a 40% decrease in social and discretionary expenses
- an 18% decrease in recreational (tobacco/alcohol) expenses
- a 13% decrease in cannabis & medical expenses.
---
Stimulus to Mitigate Emergency & Apply Relief (SMEAR)
In a time of financial difficulty, it is essential to provide allowances for problems firm in the knowledge that the situation will eventually improve. This stimulus looks at certain ways to address the concerns that the PAP may have a negative effect on physical or psychological health by stipulating the following:
- removal of regulations prohibiting the accumulation of outstanding debt
- a 4-month 'grace period' delay in the implementation of the recreational & medical spending cuts
- the successful completion of a tax return
- examination of methods to protect finances without making any adjustments whatsoever to lifestyle following the cuts outlined in PAP (scheduling and strict budgeting of food purchases; bulk purchase of recreational products; procurement of coupons)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)