Squirming

He's a good little gimp; no matter how many times you kick him in the head, he will always come back to lick your shoes. The more pertinent question is what this says about you.

Perhaps he really is as blissfully ignorant as he appears, but more likely he is just incredibly motivated. At a certain point, you have to pause and admire the sheer persistence of the entire operation. Day in and day out, he returns only to be treated with more of the same derision. Any normal specimen would find this insulting, and eventually exasperating, but not he. No, he does not give up.

An interlocutor may object that performing the same action repeatedly and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, but if this is accurate, it applies to you on a significantly greater level than it does he. A suspicious lack of progress on your behalf is substantially more informative than the pitiful routine of your hapless dependent and his bruised cranium.

Obviously, he could do better, but at least he is sticking with the enemy he knows. He knows you well enough to understand that no matter how many times you kick him in the head, you actually feel serious remorse. The cavalier attitude with which you approach this matter is a transparent farce, and in fact, he has already won the war even if each battle seems lost. This makes the denouement all the more satisfying for him, and equally as embarrassing for you.

The addendum to this tale is not one of mutual contentment, but rather squandered opportunities and fatal depression. Enjoy the bed you've made for yourself, and good luck sleeping in it.

Exercise in Subtlety

Lives are enriched; father-son bonds are reaffirmed as loving; fiends stand to rake in the winnings and pay for their spawn's textbooks. All we need now is some ice cold beer, and maybe a credit card plan that deals with our honest consumers fairly.

Okay, look, I'm not trying to make fun of your traditions. There is nothing wrong with what I am viewing here, questions of productivity placed aside for the sake of my sanity. In fact, I'll try to get into it. So far, I have only been able to pay attention to the advertisements. The people responsible for writing these ads should be rounded up and placed on trial for intentional misleading of the public, perjury, obstruction of justice, and for safe measure, we should raid their homes in search of contraband so that there are additional charges to pin onto these fuckers. Anyone who works in advertising, beware: the malleable, uneducated masses are tired of being lied to, and they are probably not going to do anything about it, except keep buying your products.

Convoluted tangents are very well and good, but sadly I must at least attempt to focus on the 'game', which is allegedly the actual reason people watch this nonsense. Currently someone is standing up, talking into a microphone, thanking a major phone company for their sponsorship. Is this supposed to be the game or the ad? All of his team members are wearing highly unflattering shirts with the phone company's name plastered on the front and back. Do these idiots have to get Vodafone tattoos, too? Certainly, if I were negotiating a sponsorship on behalf of Vodafone, I would request tattoos, not really out of any concern that players may betray the company by wearing the incorrect uniform, since I get the impression that these guys are very obedient. They seem like they excel at teamwork. The point is, the Vodafone forehead tattoo would serve to enforce just how valuable this partnership has been for all involved parties.

Anyway, that guy has stopped panting into the mic now, so we are being bombarded with some more ads. The announcers uncomfortably vouching for their network's programming seems to be the highlight of this incestuous, corporate clusterfuck, though the sense of shame that seeps through their voices is only minimal, and perhaps I am just looking for it. Needless to say, having seen five ads for KFC in the last five minutes (and you know you can be a football star too, if you just eat fried chicken everyday), I am starting to wonder if these athletes are ever going to get around to putting on their performance, or if we are just going to listen to a bunch of bald morons talking complete shit about previous games and promoting upcoming ones. This particular fucker has an especially grating voice - and by the look of him, it's not the result of a sedentary lifestyle, but simply years and years of yelling flamboyantly about dancers on a field. What a tragic way to ruin one's voice! Continued exposure to this gentleman is beginning to make me feel depressed.

Thank the good Lord. We are on a news break! An entire family died in a boating accident. A man from a nearby city was arrested three nights in a row for drink driving (that dude is totally not driving again for at least a week). Ah, things that are actually relevant! .... And a bunch of people with paint all over their faces are getting really excited about some sort of football match, and by the looks of it, this is the only thing that any of these people possess any motivation to care about. It is inescapable. I give up. Pass the Carlton. It's going to be a character building experience.

The Body is a Temple

The combined austerity and stimulus packages appear to have had the desired effect, but the plan was designed only as a temporary solution, and investors are beginning to lose their patience, noting that the money continues to be transferred into the account at the same dismal pace, while expenditures only continue to rise. The calls for financial solvency are met with reassuring platitudes about the 'inevitability' of an improvement in circumstances, but actual solutions remain evasive.

It has taken several years of excessive alcohol and drug abuse, but it is really starting to seem like the medication is working. Case in point: I figured out I was maddeningly depressed yesterday, and it only dawned on me by observing how long it had been since I took a shower, shaved, and cleared the collection of bottles that accumulates next to my desk (the length, of course, being unacceptable). Why is this significant, you may ask? Simply, the massive cloud of intoxication that floats above my head has finally begun to sedate me on such a long-term basis that I have to sniff my socks to determine my emotional well-being. If that is not a medical success story, I don't know what is. I would also recommend against attempting to smell my socks, even from a distance.

Though the Personal Austerity Package stipulated cuts in my medical costs, the Stimulus counteracted this by delaying implementation. The basic consequence of slashing food expenses while maintaining drug consumption levels is an even stronger plunge into malnutrition, which has advantages (dizziness, easier to get to sleep) and disadvantages (not enough energy to eat an apple).

I've asked the investors to bear with me for just a little bit longer, as I examine adopting more strict austerity measures in the face of a problem that could have been worse than originally thought. According to my budget calculations, the economic crisis is indeed affordable if I cease to provide myself with a disposable income. Other research has indicated that there would be serious side effects resulting from such measures, but it is clear that the present conditions cannot improve without sacrifice. We will see just how long it takes for patience to dissipate entirely.

Political Quiz

The two most commonly asked questions about relationships are, 'How do I get into one?' and 'How do I get out of this one?', to which the answer to both is:
a. persistence
b. nonchalance
c. sex-change
d. wealth

Your friends are going out drinking on a Friday night, and invite you along. Your lack of involvement in the planning process indicates that your friends feel:
a. apathetic about your potential contributions
b. embarrassed to associate with you
c. genuine remorse for not hanging out with you earlier in the week
d. as though watching you vomit in public is a worthwhile endeavour

Three ex-coal miners open up some beers over a campfire. Four hours later, they are wreaking havoc and destruction throughout the small city in which they grew up. Are they:
a. expressing their resentment towards the economic situation
b. in clear violation of their county's 'dry law'
c. littered with Confederate tattoos and obscenely racist
d. just having a good time

You are sitting in the food court of a typical mall when nearby you see an old man standing look down to the ground to discover a $5 note. He bends down to collect it and cracks his back. He probably needs:
a. a massive decrease in pension and welfare benefits
b. children who appreciated him more
c. advice from a pastor, minister or priest
d. to reserve a date at the crematorium

If the sky is blue, and the moon is composed of cheese, is it:
a. fair to believe in Santa Claus
b. reasonable to assert doubt in the blueness of the sky
c. outrageous that Neil Armstrong didn't take off his shoes
d. time for more grilled cheese and less carbon tax

Three wolves go hunting. It would be most sportsmanlike of them if they were to shoot:
a. men
b. women
c. children
d. the disabled

The government undergoes a fascist takeover and you are tapped to head a task force enabled to initiate the required actions to engage in a genocidal social cleansing. You make it your priority to go after:
a. political opponents
b. Mormons
c. both of the above
d. everyone not listed in 'c'

Two people go to a cinema to view a film. They decide to see a full-length motion picture based on a highly acclaimed animated children's series. Their tradition for watching movies necessitates that they bring:
a. sour candy
b. homecooked caramel popcorn
c. four rabid dogs and a pistol
d. their dumbass kid who insisted on seeing this movie in the first place

Correct answers will be revealed, accompanied with pretentious analysis, no later than December 1, 2012.

My Pap Smear

In response to the prospect of a looming economic problem, I have devised a two-pronged strategy to combat the effects of financial hardship. They are from rivaling schools of economic theory and are designed to work together by counteracting each other in the goal of forming a policy that does not venture too far into either extreme. Regrettably, only roughly 40% of tangible finances providing for the continued operation of this entity are available to be altered in budget deliberations. Exact figures were unavailable upon request and the status of this inquiry does not appear likely to improve.

Personal Austerity Package (PAP)

When faced with a potential increase in a basic cost of living, spending cuts are one way to alleviate the perceived toll on the budget associated with these circumstances. These particular austerity measures demand the following:
- a 61% decrease in food, groceries, and dining expenses
- a 40% decrease in social and discretionary expenses
- an 18% decrease in recreational (tobacco/alcohol) expenses
- a 13% decrease in cannabis & medical expenses.

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Stimulus to Mitigate Emergency & Apply Relief (SMEAR)

In a time of financial difficulty, it is essential to provide allowances for problems firm in the knowledge that the situation will eventually improve. This stimulus looks at certain ways to address the concerns that the PAP may have a negative effect on physical or psychological health by stipulating the following:
- removal of regulations prohibiting the accumulation of outstanding debt
- a 4-month 'grace period' delay in the implementation of the recreational & medical spending cuts
- the successful completion of a tax return
- examination of methods to protect finances without making any adjustments whatsoever to lifestyle following the cuts outlined in PAP (scheduling and strict budgeting of food purchases; bulk purchase of recreational products; procurement of coupons)

Common Eyes

My philosophy is to live and let live, and so when I occasionally have to rebuff the eager attempts of various characters around me to have their unique, shining personalities embraced by yours truly, I start to get a little bit bitter about this 'brotherhood of man' nonsense that John Lennon and similar hedonists seemed to blabber on about endlessly.

Is it so much to ask, really, to be left to wallow in my own misery, like a decapitated roach running around in its own filth for a predestined amount of time? I am like that pitiful insect, and no, I don't mind if you watch me speed from point A to point B aimlessly, but for the love of God, please cease and desist with all efforts to make my journey as carefree as possible. People are constantly hoping to alleviate one of the most simple sources of pleasure, that of whining. All too often, a complaint is perceived as a cry for help; a description of a situation that could be remedied if someone else would just jump in and provide their “useful” guidance.

The apartment in which I sleep presently emits an odour so notorious that neighbours from three blocks away will stop by to have a pleasant chat about the egregious scents for which my habitat would appear to be responsible. There is always that pained look of concern in their eyes, but it is only there to mask a hideous judgment which is cast as soon as the smell enters one's awareness. Everybody will deny it up and down, but the first thing that comes to their hateful little minds is something along the lines of, 'if I ever lived here, I would probably have to kill myself.'

Perhaps it is that unfortunate conclusion that motivates all of these contrived efforts, but at the end of the day, I am wholly uninterested in removing my amateur taxidermy collection from the premises. The sanctimonious suggestion to take rodent corpses to someone who actually knows what to do with them is just another thing that makes me sick of people. It can be quite stressful with all of these mindless cretins nosing their way around my apartment, making offhand remarks like 'You should really clean that' or 'How do you live like this?' It's not easy for a struggling, unemployed, recreational taxidermist to make it in a big city, but no, I just have to keep putting up with this humiliation.

For you see, jaded as all of this may sound, I still consider myself an idealist, and so I will continue to get out of bed each morning, at least until the emphysema kicks in, at which point I might give up and remain glued to the television screen for the remainder of my putrid existence, but you can't plan that sort of thing, and God knows I have spent the last couple of decades trying.

If you live in the area, maybe you could swing by and make some derogatory comments about my bathroom sanitation. It might just be the most exciting thing that will happen to me that day, so don't skip out on a chance to make a difference. Funny thing about stuffed, rotting animals, which is that try as I might they are absolute rubbish at holding down a stimulating conversation. Attract maggots, check, but I probably need you spiteful pricks rummaging around through my personal business after all if I want something I can truly continue to complain about.

John McCain and Military Morale

"I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs." -- Sen. John McCain, at the conclusion of the Senate's debate on a measure to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy of the U.S. military.

Now that Mr. McCain has won his re-election, he is simply being true to himself. When he said that he was willing to repeal the ban on open homosexuals serving after the military studied the issue, prior to the prospect of this becoming a reality, that was the actual pandering.

It is absolutely wonderful to watch a man who committed adultery, left his disabled wife, and married into a booze-fueled fortune to finance his political career still retain the audacity to question the ability of homosexuals to not entirely corrode the military's morale and effectiveness.

Maybe he should leave the Senate and go back to the military to crash some more jets and not get in any trouble for it.