Well I've been to some far out places, I've read the writing on the wall;
But today I walked with Jesus and together; together we walk tall. - Spacemen 3, 'Ode to Street Hassle'
Congratulations! You have just won a special ONE-TIME OFFER to be a prophet!
Anyone who has read the Bible in its entirety will not require the help provided here, as anyone who has done this knows how effortless writing your own biblical additions is. The Bible, read chronologically, is thoroughly uninteresting, and to emulate this one need only possess a few essential items. Firstly, what you won't need:
No sensible structure, no plot. If you are bad at writing beginnings - or endings - and maybe all of the stuff in between - you can definitely sustain a career as a religious prophet. Divine inspiration frees you from the constraints of needing to have particularly interesting content. Naturally, some of it will need to captivate the reader, but much of it is mere filler. The especially zealous fans will enjoy devouring the throw-away material as though it is just as relevant and 'inspired' as the rest of it. Do not try to make things interesting for these people: they are already sold on the fact that you are definitely God's breathing prophet. As for what you will need...
1. A long list of names. You need access to detailed genealogical records concerning your own ancestry, as you will definitely want to include this information in your divinely inspired holy book. Writers of the Old Testament had a tendency to omit the names of the involved women (barring unusual circumstances), so if you can trace your lineage back two ways, you will be able to double the amount of space taken up with what is, at its very core, completely useless information that pertains absolutely no relevance to anyone but you and your close relatives. In having the divinely inspired self-importance required to write out this information (PRO TIP: make excessive use of the term "begat"), people will accept the legitimacy of your claims, noting that they personally would not be bothered to go to such great effort to simply produce an apocryphal holy book.
2. A basic understanding of biblical theology. Only the most rudimentary grasp is required, as the Bible is full of contradictions and it is fine to include some in your own creation (it is even acceptable to have contradictions within the same text, if you so desire). Nonetheless, the gist of it would be that God created the heavens and the earth, and sent his son, Jesus, as a human sacrifice to wash away our own sins. Of course, one might alternatively end up in Hell, where coffee is the only thing that is cold, should one reject the gracious offer of the Heavenly Father. Any other doctrine you introduce can deviate from other parts of the Bible as much as you wish, and it will not even be your job to reconcile these paradoxes. Following your death and the acceptance of your book into the biblical canon, there will be a loyal brand of biblical literalists who will be more than happy to do your dirty work for you.
3. A deep-seated hatred for some group of people. In order to divert attention from the inherent logical problems with your work, you will need to sew spite and division in your readers, through any possible means. When the typical discriminatory barriers that we have constructed are removed, people are far less likely to accept the words of their own authority figures as unquestionable truth. If, conversely, we are terribly concerned about the moral decay wrought upon society by homosexuals, we will be too busy to notice that we remain in the total control of our institutional and corporate masters. For example: you are providing moral guidance to God's followers. In doing so, you will want to throw in a (preferably subtle) bigoted sentiment which will resonate in the minds of your readers. "Be generous with your tithing, as the LORD hath been generous with you; but never give coins to the street beggar, for he will spend it on the demon drink and wreak havoc upon the LORD God's people." Here we have (hopefully!) encouraged the followers to donate their money to the church while still managing to ingrain prejudice against the poor. (The Gospel is still relevant to the impoverished, of course. Everyone is a member of God's Kingdom.)
Many other things are optional. You may wish to speculate on the origins of life on earth and the universe, providing ludicrously false information for your own amusement; perhaps you like to posit vague predictions about coming 'End Times'; maybe you enjoy offering harsh condemnations of various lifestyle choices. It is entirely your prerogative. I have chosen to use a pseudonym for my own addition, which I will only regret later if it is the inspiration for a wealthy cult.
THE BOOK OF DUNCAN
CHAPTER ONE
1 In the day of the LORD, seven thousand and four hundred and sixty-three years having since occurred and passed in due expectation;
2 the prophet Duncan addresses the people of the church in response to inquiries in need of spiritual guidance for an adequate solution.
3 The Holy Spirit, who has been working in mysterious ways for quite some time now,
4 has relayed unto the prophet the guidance required by and assured to the LORD's church and its people.
5 Solely through prayer and constant fasting has this knowledge been acquired, though also by being blessed as such by the angels in heaven.
6 And so, after the birth of the prophet Joseph Smith, in an area on the other side of the world, Johann begat Frederic; and Frederic begat William;
7 and William begat Johnston; and Johnston begat Mesphault; and Mesphault died childless, but Johnston also begat Horatio; and Horatio begat Tyler;
8 and Tyler begat Taylor; and Taylor begat Buck; and Buck begat Jeb; and Jeb begat Peter;
9 and Peter begat James; and James begat Hubert; and Hubert begat Gordon; and Gordon begat Humphrey;
10 and Humphrey begat Robin; and Robin begat Crusoe; and Crusoe begat Hunter; and Hunter begat Tyler II;
11 and Tyler II begat Fulton; and Fulton begat Sendrick; and Sendrick begat Duncan.
12 And Duncan was so blessed, having fulfilled the divine requirements set forth by the angel Savannah.
CHAPTER TWO
1 O ye, humble children of God, having been blessed with the glory of the LORD in all things!
2 Praise God, for He has created the heavens for us to enjoy.
3 Praise God, for He plans our conception and our death;
4 Praise God, for He loved us enough to send his own Son!
5 O ye, humble children of God, I hath seen terrible visions of a future where the horrors of the devil reign in all things, rather than the glory of the LORD;
6 the people praise false idols in absence of the holiness of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
7 They are consumed with attachment to material possessions, vile selfishness, and the pursuit of financial success rather than the glorification of
8 the LORD who hath blessed all of us with the earth and its beauty.
9 In a time such as this, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will be near.
10 And in a time such as this, the precious few souls still alive on earth who will be saved will disappear suddenly.
11 This will not affect any governments, or any other major positions of power, including within the church.
12 The devil will so reign with such furor and domination that he will have nearly the entire living planet on his side.
13 But such allegiance will not be sufficient to defeat the resounding and everlasting power and might of the LORD, your God, who saved you
14 from captivity by the Egyptians, and from captivity by the terrors of hell.
CHAPTER THREE
1 O ye, humble children of God, only committed adherence to these principles can be considered to be godly living.
2 Praise God in everything that you do: in all matters where you make yourself known, always glorify Him.
3 Praise God even when you are sinning; and after sinning, immediately seek forgiveness.
4 Praise God in acknowledging the fact that He is always listening to your prayers.
5 Avoid the accumulation of debt, and always pay your debts back: your spirituality can only remain healthy if you are fiscally disciplined.
6 Always donate at least ten percent (10%) of your income to the church, even in times of poverty; for you will be rewarded in heaven.
7 Do not associate with those who reject the glory of the LORD your God, for they are poisoned with the filth of Satan, the evil spirit of pitchforks and first-degree burns.
8 Do not associate with those who accept the glory of the LORD your God, but go on to engage in sinful activities, such as
9 lying, jealousy, gluttony, lust, pre-marital friendship, wearing shorts, playing the drums, murder, drinking lemonade, skateboarding,
10 theft, heavy metal music, socialism, religious doubt, cinema attendance, vandalism, arson, petroleum drilling, hospitality to foreign cultures,
11 homelessness, unemployment, urban living, flag burning, or slandering the name of the LORD your God.
12 Non-inclusion of an activity from the list provided above does not necessarily indicate exclusion from this list, and such standards required for salvation may be changed at the discretion of the LORD your God.
13 Through the grace of the LORD we are able to be saved, and we shall praise His name in exaltation everyday.
