When engaging in yuletide festivities, people often neglect basic protocols of safety in lieu of acting like completely uncivilised wankers. Today we will be examining a few hints and suggestions to prevent anything from ruining your Christmas celebrations.
COOKING
Everyone loves an extravagant holiday feast, but we can be fairly confident that people enjoy their livelihoods more. It is definitely not unheard of for an oven's contents to spontaneously combust, causing your meal to turn into ashed shit. Even worse, your house could be completely enveloped in the flames as well, ensuring the loss of your precious possessions and a hefty increase in your life insurance premiums.
The most obvious solution, of course, is to simply get take-out, but many people insist on a traditional homemade dinner. If you do feel that this is a necessary part of your holiday ritual, you would be well advised to cook as much as you can outside rather than inside. Sure, turkey tastes great, but is it really worth not having a kitchen anymore?
INEVITABLE FAMILIAL CONFLICT
Potentially even worse than your house burning down is the prospect of your family hating you forever because of the inappropriate comments you had the audacity to bring up during dinner. For example, take note of the following conversation:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: After a long period of heavy soul searching, I have finally come to the conclusion that religion pertains very little relevance to my life. Last week I had an audition for a pornographic film, which I thought went quite well.
Your Uncle: Perhaps you will enjoy burning in the lake of fire for all of eternity, you blasphemous little shit.
For most of us, it is easy to see where you went wrong, but it might not be so easy for you. So, to summarise, when your uncle asks you how your life is going, you definitely do not mention your recent deconversion and subsequent foray into the sex industry. Instead, try this:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: Great! Between my volunteer work winning souls for Christ at First Baptist and my role as financial director for the downtown soup kitchen, I hardly even have time to look at women lustfully!
Your Uncle: Well, at least they're keeping you busy then.
Crisis averted, and the best part is that your dipshit uncle will never come visit the soup kitchen to see you in action at your alleged place of employment, because he hates poor people far too much to ever enter an area so urban. It's a win-win situation.
DRIVING
It should go without saying that driving and alcohol do not mix. In the spirit of harm reduction, however, if you must drink and drive, you should preferably stick to hard liquor. Beer and wine may leave you feeling bloated, causing you to make unnecessary driving stops to urinate on the side of the road. Nobody likes to see that.
SETTING UP YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
It's probably best to not bother with a Christmas tree at all, as they often attract wild animals with extremely contagious and fatal diseases. Rather than give you advice on how to prevent these animals from finding your house, we will jump straight into how to treat your guaranteed rabid infection after you stubbornly insisted on having a Christmas tree.
Your tree will be covered in cheap plastic decorations and candy canes, all while providing a sweet scent which is totally irresistible to badgers, squirrels, mad dogs, and so on, all of which definitely have rabies, herpes, and influenza. You will get all of these things.
Rabies: foaming at the mouth, a faint and dizzy feeling with the inexplicably overbearing suspicion that something terrible is about to happen - and it is, because there is no way to get to the hospital in time after a rabid skunk breaks into your beloved home and begins infecting your children.
Herpes: normally this would be a devastating diagnosis for anyone, but when you acquire it from the crazed small animal which is presently nesting underneath your Christmas tree, your situation is especially hopeless. The only cure is suicide.
Influenza: consult your physician and/or have a delicious fruit smoothie.
That's all for today. Join us next time for more tips on how to avoid an entirely horrendous holiday season!
