The combined austerity and stimulus packages appear to have had the desired effect, but the plan was designed only as a temporary solution, and investors are beginning to lose their patience, noting that the money continues to be transferred into the account at the same dismal pace, while expenditures only continue to rise. The calls for financial solvency are met with reassuring platitudes about the 'inevitability' of an improvement in circumstances, but actual solutions remain evasive.
It has taken several years of excessive alcohol and drug abuse, but it is really starting to seem like the medication is working. Case in point: I figured out I was maddeningly depressed yesterday, and it only dawned on me by observing how long it had been since I took a shower, shaved, and cleared the collection of bottles that accumulates next to my desk (the length, of course, being unacceptable). Why is this significant, you may ask? Simply, the massive cloud of intoxication that floats above my head has finally begun to sedate me on such a long-term basis that I have to sniff my socks to determine my emotional well-being. If that is not a medical success story, I don't know what is. I would also recommend against attempting to smell my socks, even from a distance.
Though the Personal Austerity Package stipulated cuts in my medical costs, the Stimulus counteracted this by delaying implementation. The basic consequence of slashing food expenses while maintaining drug consumption levels is an even stronger plunge into malnutrition, which has advantages (dizziness, easier to get to sleep) and disadvantages (not enough energy to eat an apple).
I've asked the investors to bear with me for just a little bit longer, as I examine adopting more strict austerity measures in the face of a problem that could have been worse than originally thought. According to my budget calculations, the economic crisis is indeed affordable if I cease to provide myself with a disposable income. Other research has indicated that there would be serious side effects resulting from such measures, but it is clear that the present conditions cannot improve without sacrifice. We will see just how long it takes for patience to dissipate entirely.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Political Quiz
The two most commonly asked questions about relationships are, 'How do I get into one?' and 'How do I get out of this one?', to which the answer to both is:
a. persistence
b. nonchalance
c. sex-change
d. wealth
Your friends are going out drinking on a Friday night, and invite you along. Your lack of involvement in the planning process indicates that your friends feel:
a. apathetic about your potential contributions
b. embarrassed to associate with you
c. genuine remorse for not hanging out with you earlier in the week
d. as though watching you vomit in public is a worthwhile endeavour
Three ex-coal miners open up some beers over a campfire. Four hours later, they are wreaking havoc and destruction throughout the small city in which they grew up. Are they:
a. expressing their resentment towards the economic situation
b. in clear violation of their county's 'dry law'
c. littered with Confederate tattoos and obscenely racist
d. just having a good time
You are sitting in the food court of a typical mall when nearby you see an old man standing look down to the ground to discover a $5 note. He bends down to collect it and cracks his back. He probably needs:
a. a massive decrease in pension and welfare benefits
b. children who appreciated him more
c. advice from a pastor, minister or priest
d. to reserve a date at the crematorium
If the sky is blue, and the moon is composed of cheese, is it:
a. fair to believe in Santa Claus
b. reasonable to assert doubt in the blueness of the sky
c. outrageous that Neil Armstrong didn't take off his shoes
d. time for more grilled cheese and less carbon tax
Three wolves go hunting. It would be most sportsmanlike of them if they were to shoot:
a. men
b. women
c. children
d. the disabled
The government undergoes a fascist takeover and you are tapped to head a task force enabled to initiate the required actions to engage in a genocidal social cleansing. You make it your priority to go after:
a. political opponents
b. Mormons
c. both of the above
d. everyone not listed in 'c'
Two people go to a cinema to view a film. They decide to see a full-length motion picture based on a highly acclaimed animated children's series. Their tradition for watching movies necessitates that they bring:
a. sour candy
b. homecooked caramel popcorn
c. four rabid dogs and a pistol
d. their dumbass kid who insisted on seeing this movie in the first place
Correct answers will be revealed, accompanied with pretentious analysis, no later than December 1, 2012.
a. persistence
b. nonchalance
c. sex-change
d. wealth
Your friends are going out drinking on a Friday night, and invite you along. Your lack of involvement in the planning process indicates that your friends feel:
a. apathetic about your potential contributions
b. embarrassed to associate with you
c. genuine remorse for not hanging out with you earlier in the week
d. as though watching you vomit in public is a worthwhile endeavour
Three ex-coal miners open up some beers over a campfire. Four hours later, they are wreaking havoc and destruction throughout the small city in which they grew up. Are they:
a. expressing their resentment towards the economic situation
b. in clear violation of their county's 'dry law'
c. littered with Confederate tattoos and obscenely racist
d. just having a good time
You are sitting in the food court of a typical mall when nearby you see an old man standing look down to the ground to discover a $5 note. He bends down to collect it and cracks his back. He probably needs:
a. a massive decrease in pension and welfare benefits
b. children who appreciated him more
c. advice from a pastor, minister or priest
d. to reserve a date at the crematorium
If the sky is blue, and the moon is composed of cheese, is it:
a. fair to believe in Santa Claus
b. reasonable to assert doubt in the blueness of the sky
c. outrageous that Neil Armstrong didn't take off his shoes
d. time for more grilled cheese and less carbon tax
Three wolves go hunting. It would be most sportsmanlike of them if they were to shoot:
a. men
b. women
c. children
d. the disabled
The government undergoes a fascist takeover and you are tapped to head a task force enabled to initiate the required actions to engage in a genocidal social cleansing. You make it your priority to go after:
a. political opponents
b. Mormons
c. both of the above
d. everyone not listed in 'c'
Two people go to a cinema to view a film. They decide to see a full-length motion picture based on a highly acclaimed animated children's series. Their tradition for watching movies necessitates that they bring:
a. sour candy
b. homecooked caramel popcorn
c. four rabid dogs and a pistol
d. their dumbass kid who insisted on seeing this movie in the first place
Correct answers will be revealed, accompanied with pretentious analysis, no later than December 1, 2012.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My Pap Smear
In response to the prospect of a looming economic problem, I have devised a two-pronged strategy to combat the effects of financial hardship. They are from rivaling schools of economic theory and are designed to work together by counteracting each other in the goal of forming a policy that does not venture too far into either extreme. Regrettably, only roughly 40% of tangible finances providing for the continued operation of this entity are available to be altered in budget deliberations. Exact figures were unavailable upon request and the status of this inquiry does not appear likely to improve.
Personal Austerity Package (PAP)
When faced with a potential increase in a basic cost of living, spending cuts are one way to alleviate the perceived toll on the budget associated with these circumstances. These particular austerity measures demand the following:
- a 61% decrease in food, groceries, and dining expenses
- a 40% decrease in social and discretionary expenses
- an 18% decrease in recreational (tobacco/alcohol) expenses
- a 13% decrease in cannabis & medical expenses.
---
Stimulus to Mitigate Emergency & Apply Relief (SMEAR)
In a time of financial difficulty, it is essential to provide allowances for problems firm in the knowledge that the situation will eventually improve. This stimulus looks at certain ways to address the concerns that the PAP may have a negative effect on physical or psychological health by stipulating the following:
- removal of regulations prohibiting the accumulation of outstanding debt
- a 4-month 'grace period' delay in the implementation of the recreational & medical spending cuts
- the successful completion of a tax return
- examination of methods to protect finances without making any adjustments whatsoever to lifestyle following the cuts outlined in PAP (scheduling and strict budgeting of food purchases; bulk purchase of recreational products; procurement of coupons)
Personal Austerity Package (PAP)
When faced with a potential increase in a basic cost of living, spending cuts are one way to alleviate the perceived toll on the budget associated with these circumstances. These particular austerity measures demand the following:
- a 61% decrease in food, groceries, and dining expenses
- a 40% decrease in social and discretionary expenses
- an 18% decrease in recreational (tobacco/alcohol) expenses
- a 13% decrease in cannabis & medical expenses.
---
Stimulus to Mitigate Emergency & Apply Relief (SMEAR)
In a time of financial difficulty, it is essential to provide allowances for problems firm in the knowledge that the situation will eventually improve. This stimulus looks at certain ways to address the concerns that the PAP may have a negative effect on physical or psychological health by stipulating the following:
- removal of regulations prohibiting the accumulation of outstanding debt
- a 4-month 'grace period' delay in the implementation of the recreational & medical spending cuts
- the successful completion of a tax return
- examination of methods to protect finances without making any adjustments whatsoever to lifestyle following the cuts outlined in PAP (scheduling and strict budgeting of food purchases; bulk purchase of recreational products; procurement of coupons)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Common Eyes
My philosophy is to live and let live, and so when I occasionally have to rebuff the eager attempts of various characters around me to have their unique, shining personalities embraced by yours truly, I start to get a little bit bitter about this 'brotherhood of man' nonsense that John Lennon and similar hedonists seemed to blabber on about endlessly.
Is it so much to ask, really, to be left to wallow in my own misery, like a decapitated roach running around in its own filth for a predestined amount of time? I am like that pitiful insect, and no, I don't mind if you watch me speed from point A to point B aimlessly, but for the love of God, please cease and desist with all efforts to make my journey as carefree as possible. People are constantly hoping to alleviate one of the most simple sources of pleasure, that of whining. All too often, a complaint is perceived as a cry for help; a description of a situation that could be remedied if someone else would just jump in and provide their “useful” guidance.
The apartment in which I sleep presently emits an odour so notorious that neighbours from three blocks away will stop by to have a pleasant chat about the egregious scents for which my habitat would appear to be responsible. There is always that pained look of concern in their eyes, but it is only there to mask a hideous judgment which is cast as soon as the smell enters one's awareness. Everybody will deny it up and down, but the first thing that comes to their hateful little minds is something along the lines of, 'if I ever lived here, I would probably have to kill myself.'
Perhaps it is that unfortunate conclusion that motivates all of these contrived efforts, but at the end of the day, I am wholly uninterested in removing my amateur taxidermy collection from the premises. The sanctimonious suggestion to take rodent corpses to someone who actually knows what to do with them is just another thing that makes me sick of people. It can be quite stressful with all of these mindless cretins nosing their way around my apartment, making offhand remarks like 'You should really clean that' or 'How do you live like this?' It's not easy for a struggling, unemployed, recreational taxidermist to make it in a big city, but no, I just have to keep putting up with this humiliation.
For you see, jaded as all of this may sound, I still consider myself an idealist, and so I will continue to get out of bed each morning, at least until the emphysema kicks in, at which point I might give up and remain glued to the television screen for the remainder of my putrid existence, but you can't plan that sort of thing, and God knows I have spent the last couple of decades trying.
If you live in the area, maybe you could swing by and make some derogatory comments about my bathroom sanitation. It might just be the most exciting thing that will happen to me that day, so don't skip out on a chance to make a difference. Funny thing about stuffed, rotting animals, which is that try as I might they are absolute rubbish at holding down a stimulating conversation. Attract maggots, check, but I probably need you spiteful pricks rummaging around through my personal business after all if I want something I can truly continue to complain about.
Is it so much to ask, really, to be left to wallow in my own misery, like a decapitated roach running around in its own filth for a predestined amount of time? I am like that pitiful insect, and no, I don't mind if you watch me speed from point A to point B aimlessly, but for the love of God, please cease and desist with all efforts to make my journey as carefree as possible. People are constantly hoping to alleviate one of the most simple sources of pleasure, that of whining. All too often, a complaint is perceived as a cry for help; a description of a situation that could be remedied if someone else would just jump in and provide their “useful” guidance.
The apartment in which I sleep presently emits an odour so notorious that neighbours from three blocks away will stop by to have a pleasant chat about the egregious scents for which my habitat would appear to be responsible. There is always that pained look of concern in their eyes, but it is only there to mask a hideous judgment which is cast as soon as the smell enters one's awareness. Everybody will deny it up and down, but the first thing that comes to their hateful little minds is something along the lines of, 'if I ever lived here, I would probably have to kill myself.'
Perhaps it is that unfortunate conclusion that motivates all of these contrived efforts, but at the end of the day, I am wholly uninterested in removing my amateur taxidermy collection from the premises. The sanctimonious suggestion to take rodent corpses to someone who actually knows what to do with them is just another thing that makes me sick of people. It can be quite stressful with all of these mindless cretins nosing their way around my apartment, making offhand remarks like 'You should really clean that' or 'How do you live like this?' It's not easy for a struggling, unemployed, recreational taxidermist to make it in a big city, but no, I just have to keep putting up with this humiliation.
For you see, jaded as all of this may sound, I still consider myself an idealist, and so I will continue to get out of bed each morning, at least until the emphysema kicks in, at which point I might give up and remain glued to the television screen for the remainder of my putrid existence, but you can't plan that sort of thing, and God knows I have spent the last couple of decades trying.
If you live in the area, maybe you could swing by and make some derogatory comments about my bathroom sanitation. It might just be the most exciting thing that will happen to me that day, so don't skip out on a chance to make a difference. Funny thing about stuffed, rotting animals, which is that try as I might they are absolute rubbish at holding down a stimulating conversation. Attract maggots, check, but I probably need you spiteful pricks rummaging around through my personal business after all if I want something I can truly continue to complain about.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
John McCain and Military Morale
"I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs." -- Sen. John McCain, at the conclusion of the Senate's debate on a measure to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy of the U.S. military.
Now that Mr. McCain has won his re-election, he is simply being true to himself. When he said that he was willing to repeal the ban on open homosexuals serving after the military studied the issue, prior to the prospect of this becoming a reality, that was the actual pandering.
It is absolutely wonderful to watch a man who committed adultery, left his disabled wife, and married into a booze-fueled fortune to finance his political career still retain the audacity to question the ability of homosexuals to not entirely corrode the military's morale and effectiveness.
Maybe he should leave the Senate and go back to the military to crash some more jets and not get in any trouble for it.
Now that Mr. McCain has won his re-election, he is simply being true to himself. When he said that he was willing to repeal the ban on open homosexuals serving after the military studied the issue, prior to the prospect of this becoming a reality, that was the actual pandering.
It is absolutely wonderful to watch a man who committed adultery, left his disabled wife, and married into a booze-fueled fortune to finance his political career still retain the audacity to question the ability of homosexuals to not entirely corrode the military's morale and effectiveness.
Maybe he should leave the Senate and go back to the military to crash some more jets and not get in any trouble for it.
Monday, December 20, 2010
House Tricks
If I have learned anything from watching television, the holiday season is about being thankful, so here is my list of things for which I am thankful (to no one in particular).
[1] Television. Without it, I would be hopelessly unentertained.
[2] Junk food. Without it, I would be hopelessly famished.
[3] Freedom. Without it, I would be helplessly coerced.
As you can see, there is much to be appreciative for, and the existence of entertainment, sustenance, and free will in my decision making is a cause for celebration. I go on to share my list of thanks with the strange creatures that inhabit my home, through the most simple method of communication possible (the classic 'sticky note on the refrigerator' routine). Could you believe that they would respond simply by setting fire to the backyard? My vegetable patch – ruined.
I am trying to determine what, exactly, would possess these people – or maybe it was just one of them, acting alone – to react to a positive “fridge note” in such a destructive (not to mention expensive) manner. Sure, I knew about the psychopaths when I signed the lease, but I thought they were relatively cool... you know, the sort of folks who wouldn't just go setting fires to deliberately placed piles of trash all over a meticulously nurtured personal garden. Like many unsuspecting hard workers who are foolish and desperate enough to trust hipsters, I got burned.
Well, I have made up my mind. I will not be buying these ungrateful, unreasonable people any Christmas presents at all. Nor shall I put up any decorations, and I certainly will not prepare my annual fresh vegetable stew. Instead, I will level with them: if they are to trash my patch, I will invite my old 'friends' from 'school' over for a 'few' carefree drinks.
That didn't turn out to be the best idea, although the first thing the landlord noticed was the evident fire in the backyard, which I explained clearly was not my fault, unless perhaps indirectly if my happy fridge note inspired the violence, but the landlord did not seem interested in the finer details. I did not get the bond money back. Right before I was evicted, the eggnog in the fridge went off, but I drank it anyway, and threw my guts up all over the streets as I wandered around asking people for spare change. Merry Christmas.
[1] Television. Without it, I would be hopelessly unentertained.
[2] Junk food. Without it, I would be hopelessly famished.
[3] Freedom. Without it, I would be helplessly coerced.
As you can see, there is much to be appreciative for, and the existence of entertainment, sustenance, and free will in my decision making is a cause for celebration. I go on to share my list of thanks with the strange creatures that inhabit my home, through the most simple method of communication possible (the classic 'sticky note on the refrigerator' routine). Could you believe that they would respond simply by setting fire to the backyard? My vegetable patch – ruined.
I am trying to determine what, exactly, would possess these people – or maybe it was just one of them, acting alone – to react to a positive “fridge note” in such a destructive (not to mention expensive) manner. Sure, I knew about the psychopaths when I signed the lease, but I thought they were relatively cool... you know, the sort of folks who wouldn't just go setting fires to deliberately placed piles of trash all over a meticulously nurtured personal garden. Like many unsuspecting hard workers who are foolish and desperate enough to trust hipsters, I got burned.
Well, I have made up my mind. I will not be buying these ungrateful, unreasonable people any Christmas presents at all. Nor shall I put up any decorations, and I certainly will not prepare my annual fresh vegetable stew. Instead, I will level with them: if they are to trash my patch, I will invite my old 'friends' from 'school' over for a 'few' carefree drinks.
That didn't turn out to be the best idea, although the first thing the landlord noticed was the evident fire in the backyard, which I explained clearly was not my fault, unless perhaps indirectly if my happy fridge note inspired the violence, but the landlord did not seem interested in the finer details. I did not get the bond money back. Right before I was evicted, the eggnog in the fridge went off, but I drank it anyway, and threw my guts up all over the streets as I wandered around asking people for spare change. Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tips for Avoiding Holiday Disaster
When engaging in yuletide festivities, people often neglect basic protocols of safety in lieu of acting like completely uncivilised wankers. Today we will be examining a few hints and suggestions to prevent anything from ruining your Christmas celebrations.
COOKING
Everyone loves an extravagant holiday feast, but we can be fairly confident that people enjoy their livelihoods more. It is definitely not unheard of for an oven's contents to spontaneously combust, causing your meal to turn into ashed shit. Even worse, your house could be completely enveloped in the flames as well, ensuring the loss of your precious possessions and a hefty increase in your life insurance premiums.
The most obvious solution, of course, is to simply get take-out, but many people insist on a traditional homemade dinner. If you do feel that this is a necessary part of your holiday ritual, you would be well advised to cook as much as you can outside rather than inside. Sure, turkey tastes great, but is it really worth not having a kitchen anymore?
INEVITABLE FAMILIAL CONFLICT
Potentially even worse than your house burning down is the prospect of your family hating you forever because of the inappropriate comments you had the audacity to bring up during dinner. For example, take note of the following conversation:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: After a long period of heavy soul searching, I have finally come to the conclusion that religion pertains very little relevance to my life. Last week I had an audition for a pornographic film, which I thought went quite well.
Your Uncle: Perhaps you will enjoy burning in the lake of fire for all of eternity, you blasphemous little shit.
For most of us, it is easy to see where you went wrong, but it might not be so easy for you. So, to summarise, when your uncle asks you how your life is going, you definitely do not mention your recent deconversion and subsequent foray into the sex industry. Instead, try this:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: Great! Between my volunteer work winning souls for Christ at First Baptist and my role as financial director for the downtown soup kitchen, I hardly even have time to look at women lustfully!
Your Uncle: Well, at least they're keeping you busy then.
Crisis averted, and the best part is that your dipshit uncle will never come visit the soup kitchen to see you in action at your alleged place of employment, because he hates poor people far too much to ever enter an area so urban. It's a win-win situation.
DRIVING
It should go without saying that driving and alcohol do not mix. In the spirit of harm reduction, however, if you must drink and drive, you should preferably stick to hard liquor. Beer and wine may leave you feeling bloated, causing you to make unnecessary driving stops to urinate on the side of the road. Nobody likes to see that.
SETTING UP YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
It's probably best to not bother with a Christmas tree at all, as they often attract wild animals with extremely contagious and fatal diseases. Rather than give you advice on how to prevent these animals from finding your house, we will jump straight into how to treat your guaranteed rabid infection after you stubbornly insisted on having a Christmas tree.
Your tree will be covered in cheap plastic decorations and candy canes, all while providing a sweet scent which is totally irresistible to badgers, squirrels, mad dogs, and so on, all of which definitely have rabies, herpes, and influenza. You will get all of these things.
Rabies: foaming at the mouth, a faint and dizzy feeling with the inexplicably overbearing suspicion that something terrible is about to happen - and it is, because there is no way to get to the hospital in time after a rabid skunk breaks into your beloved home and begins infecting your children.
Herpes: normally this would be a devastating diagnosis for anyone, but when you acquire it from the crazed small animal which is presently nesting underneath your Christmas tree, your situation is especially hopeless. The only cure is suicide.
Influenza: consult your physician and/or have a delicious fruit smoothie.
That's all for today. Join us next time for more tips on how to avoid an entirely horrendous holiday season!
COOKING
Everyone loves an extravagant holiday feast, but we can be fairly confident that people enjoy their livelihoods more. It is definitely not unheard of for an oven's contents to spontaneously combust, causing your meal to turn into ashed shit. Even worse, your house could be completely enveloped in the flames as well, ensuring the loss of your precious possessions and a hefty increase in your life insurance premiums.
The most obvious solution, of course, is to simply get take-out, but many people insist on a traditional homemade dinner. If you do feel that this is a necessary part of your holiday ritual, you would be well advised to cook as much as you can outside rather than inside. Sure, turkey tastes great, but is it really worth not having a kitchen anymore?
INEVITABLE FAMILIAL CONFLICT
Potentially even worse than your house burning down is the prospect of your family hating you forever because of the inappropriate comments you had the audacity to bring up during dinner. For example, take note of the following conversation:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: After a long period of heavy soul searching, I have finally come to the conclusion that religion pertains very little relevance to my life. Last week I had an audition for a pornographic film, which I thought went quite well.
Your Uncle: Perhaps you will enjoy burning in the lake of fire for all of eternity, you blasphemous little shit.
For most of us, it is easy to see where you went wrong, but it might not be so easy for you. So, to summarise, when your uncle asks you how your life is going, you definitely do not mention your recent deconversion and subsequent foray into the sex industry. Instead, try this:
Your Uncle: Wow, it's great to see you! How have you been?
You: Great! Between my volunteer work winning souls for Christ at First Baptist and my role as financial director for the downtown soup kitchen, I hardly even have time to look at women lustfully!
Your Uncle: Well, at least they're keeping you busy then.
Crisis averted, and the best part is that your dipshit uncle will never come visit the soup kitchen to see you in action at your alleged place of employment, because he hates poor people far too much to ever enter an area so urban. It's a win-win situation.
DRIVING
It should go without saying that driving and alcohol do not mix. In the spirit of harm reduction, however, if you must drink and drive, you should preferably stick to hard liquor. Beer and wine may leave you feeling bloated, causing you to make unnecessary driving stops to urinate on the side of the road. Nobody likes to see that.
SETTING UP YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
It's probably best to not bother with a Christmas tree at all, as they often attract wild animals with extremely contagious and fatal diseases. Rather than give you advice on how to prevent these animals from finding your house, we will jump straight into how to treat your guaranteed rabid infection after you stubbornly insisted on having a Christmas tree.
Your tree will be covered in cheap plastic decorations and candy canes, all while providing a sweet scent which is totally irresistible to badgers, squirrels, mad dogs, and so on, all of which definitely have rabies, herpes, and influenza. You will get all of these things.
Rabies: foaming at the mouth, a faint and dizzy feeling with the inexplicably overbearing suspicion that something terrible is about to happen - and it is, because there is no way to get to the hospital in time after a rabid skunk breaks into your beloved home and begins infecting your children.
Herpes: normally this would be a devastating diagnosis for anyone, but when you acquire it from the crazed small animal which is presently nesting underneath your Christmas tree, your situation is especially hopeless. The only cure is suicide.
Influenza: consult your physician and/or have a delicious fruit smoothie.
That's all for today. Join us next time for more tips on how to avoid an entirely horrendous holiday season!
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