Victor A. Foley: Hello everyone, and may I just send our warmest welcome to all of you guys and gals who are tuning in with us tonight. We have the pleasure of interviewing Hubert F. Dettmann, who is presently homeless but is famous enough yet to agree to be subjected to our notorious set of 'Twelve Questions.' How are you, Hubert? Do you have a nickname, since Hubert sounds kind of dumb?
Hubert F. Dettmann: Thanks, Vic, it's a pleasure to be here. I am doing really well, thanks for asking. You can call me Hubert, but my friends call me Hugh.
Foley: Okay, Hugh-bag, let's start with your personal background. Would you describe yourself as wealthy in friends? How about in finances? I need to stress that there is no cash prize for your participation in this program, but you can of course take solace in the free publicity, and in fact it would be advisable for you to use this rare opportunity to make a statement about who you are and what you stand for, but perhaps I am just ranting. But hey, the people watch this program to see Victor Foley and his amazing hair (motions towards head), so let's be realistic. If you haven't shot any crushed up methadone tablets in the last couple of hours, maybe you'll even be able to remember what the questions are.
Dettmann: Well, Vic, I would certainly say that I have a lot of acquaintances, and even a number of friends, who can call me Hugh, or any derivative thereof, of which you do not qualify as a member of this classification and thus are not accorded the privilege to engage in the activity mentioned prior. I don't really go for crushing up methadone, since it's not the best bang for my buck, and in the case of my own financial situation, you could say I am not doing so well, and I am well aware of the strict “no-prize” policy of your delightful night-time entertainment. Your polite clarification is always appreciated, Vic Foley.
Foley: What an eloquent little spiel, and you made me feel a little upstaged, to be honest, so I am probably going to make no attempt to hide my disdain for you at all now. But let's try to not let that interfere with what will otherwise be a highly informative and entertaining interview! What can you tell us about your parents? What was your first job?
Dettmann: My parents are both deceased; casualties of the Waco tragedy, which I am not really at ease discussing at length. My father was a very caring man who probably lost his mind due to the constant alcohol consumption and stressful job from which he pretty much never took a vacation until he snapped completely, joining the cult. My mother was a zombie from about 1984 onwards, and I still have no good theories as to what caused it. I think she just woke up one day and decided she didn't care anymore, and she was just going to exist; to go on autopilot until her tragic death. My first employment was washing dishes at a Korean restaurant. It was okay.
Foley: And is there any reason—not to be curt or anything—that you don't just pick up and get a job now, instead of moping around the streets, soliciting coins and pity? Do you attend any religious services on a regular basis? Have you tried anything to possibly upgrade the status of filth and degeneracy in which you claim to thrive?
Dettmann: I am not religious, Vic, but I do believe that people have an ethical responsibility to be true to themselves. That being said, I don't vote. I have no interest in your pity, and similarly hold little interest in attaining stable employment. Every so often I take a shower, or get a new jacket, or replace my toothbrush, if those are the sorts of things you were trying to get at in your last question.
Foley: Uh-huh. Well it is certainly fascinating that you lack any substantial views on an afterlife. A lot of people come on here and explain that they are fully aware of the rewards system in place for those who behave with merit and honor in their earthly life times. I can only lament that it is regrettable, yet utterly unsurprising, that you do not subscribe to similar values and the impact this has on your lifestyle is morally abhorrent and visually repugnant.
Dettmann: Right, so that wasn't a question, Vic, but I'm sure your loyal viewers appreciate that you have lodged a spirited defense of traditional family values.
Foley: They sure do, those self-important rednecks (winks at audience). You tell us that you don't vote. Do you hold any political beliefs? And to perhaps expand on the ninth question just a little bit, do you hope at all to stop abusing alcohol and pornography? These degrading materials are creating a black hole in your life that prohibits you from advancing further in society. There is a rehabilitation center down the street that will be open until November 24. You should probably check in now to secure a spot in that fine, yet tragically underfunded, facility.
Dettmann: You know, Vic, I guess you could describe me as a 'green', although I use that label sparingly and with hesitancy. What I am quite sure of is that all of the mainstream politicians are content to keep screwing us over so that they can keep working with the banks and big businesses to fatten their paychecks. I don't pay much attention to the daily aspect, but I do follow the elections, perhaps in the same way you might follow a sport, except that I don't care at all who wins. I made a decent amount of cash betting on the outcomes of races during the 2008 Democratic nomination contest, which was pretty swell. I think I bought a guitar with some of that money. I'm not really sure; I don't have the guitar anymore.
Another political value I hold dear is that pesky values voters types should mind their own business, and that certainly applies to the constant discrimination that I face as I attempt to harmlessly, rapidly consume generous portions of tequila in public playgrounds at night. There sure as hell aren't any kids there, so why don't you and everyone else just back off? But hey, I'm a reasonable guy. If they asked me to move somewhere else, perhaps suggested a suitable location, then I would be willing to negotiate. At best, they pour it out; at worst, I spend a night in hell. The answer to your question is no.
Foley: Well, Hugh-bun, it's been absolutely wonderful to have you with us here this evening, so I have one final question for you. What is your favorite color?
Dettmann: I appreciate your willingness to tackle the truly controversial burning issues of the day. The rigorous questioning has been, I hope, highly informative for your audience and I have certainly relished the thorough soul searching that I have had to conduct in answering your hard-hitting and objective queries. Thank you so much for having me this evening, and thank you for the free publicity, which is almost as satisfying to me as a cash prize may have been in the ridiculously unlikely scenario where I would receive one. My favorite color is brown, a dark tint of which I have smeared lovingly throughout the disabled and female audience toilets. I really appreciate being on your show, have a great night!
