The guy who we usually get to write the stuff on here, who manages to drag himself in after lunch maybe a third of the time, if we are lucky, has decided that he has what is referred to in the business as “writer's block,” which means that he has been sitting at home and drinking beer compulsively for a minimum of thirteen consecutive days, so we have farmed out the rest of the content for this entry from a source of unknown credibility.
This Update Was Definitely Not Written by Somebody Else
The pricks that are in charge of this trash heap are trying to obscure the information provided in this article in the hope of discrediting the analysis which it offers, which indicates a total lack of testicles. I mean, these cowards are scared absolutely shitless at the very thought of any opposing viewpoints at all, so they go out of their way to make it sound like this was written by a vociferously eager asshole with no basis for their information except their own bullshit (editor's note: this is unequivocally the case). Anyway, here are a few of my special hints and suggestions on how to get ahead in this world, which is a pretty good one, if you know how to game it properly. It is all about playing the game...
The Game: Step One
There are a number of other things which are called 'The Game' also, and they are likely unrelated to the advice that I am presenting here. The Game, in this context, is a lifestyle choice that you must make if you are to commit to advancing yourself at the expense of all others. This begins by acknowledging each day that you are striving to be the best that you can possibly be, and that you are an amazing person with unique abilities and talents. Do not waste time praying, for prayer is a sign of weakness, and a cry for help to someone who is not listening. The only person who can help you is yourself.
The Game: Step Two
There are generally three types of people: the dumb, the evil, and the insane. You want to achieve a balance in your relationships with others, with a preference for the dumbs, who are the easiest to manipulate and also the most amicable in general conversation. The evils are your gateway into the world of fun, but you should not get too close with them, because they are inherently untrustworthy. The insanes are to be dealt with sparingly. They serve a purpose, of course—not many people are willing to rob houses, sell drugs, defecate in public, etc., and you need a sprinkling of that sort of shit in your life when you need a reminder of just how normal you are (even though you aren't really). Incidentally, the number one cause of being associated with an insane is reproducing. The number one cause of being associated with a dumb is, of course, marriage.
The Game: Step Three
Your possessions are dragging you down. Get rid of them. I read an article a while ago about some hippie couple in Oregon that manage to live with less than a hundred items in their house. Is that crazy or what? So, I gave it a shot, and I tell you what: I was robbed the next month. Fuckers got away with my razor!
The Game: Step Four
There is no step four, technically, since by now you should be basking in the angelic glow of your blissful nirvana, much as I do, living in an apartment which is literally empty, and starting each day with an hour-long conversation with myself to the mirror, where I consult notes and come up with strategies for implementing self-empowering goals. My friends are closely controlled, carefully classified, and universally distrusted. (Pro tip: the dumbs will trust you regardless.) What are you even doing still reading this? Grab some paint and get to work on signs advertising your garage sale! You have utensils to throw out and memories to make – and remember, only you can make it happen.
