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Thank you, all members of full-time staff, for your continued hard work and dedication to our company. As a reward for your efforts, you will be receiving one free movie ticket each this week with your paycheck. To get a better discount it has to be a G-rated film. You can probably organize a group movie screening, if you coordinate an event by working together through the exercise of the same skills you have utilized as coworkers. Thank you all so very much.
It is with deep regret and emotional nausea that I must go on to inform you of some of the cutbacks we will be required to make in light of the company's performance in the last two years. I am painfully aware of the sacrifices we have already made: shedding three-fourths of our workforce, the enforced overtime for no extra pay, the loss of the coffee machine, the water cooler, the heater, the air conditioning, the showers, the loss of our janitor and continued neglect for safety and health regulations, the fluidity of the date on when you technically get paid – yes, but I have had to give up my company car, and I certainly don't have a water cooler in my office (stop looking). Besides, you are definitely getting paid on Friday and you are all getting free movie tickets! Congratulations!
Sadly, in order to remain financially viable just this week, and to pay for your cinema experiences, I have begun to rent out our parking lot, so you will all either have to stop driving to work or find somewhere else to park. I am working on a deal to sell the parking lot which would yield us a handsome but temporary amount of capital, which I am trying to figure out how I would invest since I fired the accounting department and pretty much everyone else who doesn't put the little white bits of fluff sugar in between the two slices of caramel. The work you guys are putting in for this community, and the people who unwittingly buy your products across the nation, cannot justifiably be summarized in words, so I am also going to throw you a party. I have left you an envelope with $20, and it can be held during the lunch break at 12:30 tomorrow. The envelope is on the kitchen table with the balloons and the party poppers, so you don't have to budget for those. You guys are fantastic. Have a good evening,
Charles N. Moore, CEO
Luzerne County Jersey Caramel Factory Co.
