“'At the end of the day'... at the end of the day, what, you sack of shit? At the end of the day, there's another day. Get me a cappuccino.” – Ralph Nader, to a policy assistant
Coughing up all this phlegm and tar; gonna feel so good; gonna feel just fine; the doctor offered quite the stunning diagnosis... it takes me out of my mind. Don't think for one moment that I am distracted, though. My thought process is still functioning at a stellar capacity, and I am formulating my response to you as we sit here, conversing in what would appear to anyone else a very calm, relaxed setting. But how incorrect they would be.
“Now, I don't mean to come across as bitchy, but” is a wonderful way to begin a monologue, and one of my favourites (virtually identical in structure to the immediate blow to the conversation that is “no offense, but...”). One way to not come across as bitchy would be to not put the idea into your audience's head as the start of your little diatribe. I mean, you give people these ideas; what are they gonna think? Come on. “Don't take this the wrong way”? Any way I'm going to take it now is going to be the wrong way, my good friend. Nothing but the wrong way.
And maybe this is the underlying problem; this running theme of passive aggressive responses to what is perceived to be passive aggressive behaviour. When I feel like I'm being screwed over, my immediate objective might become to screw the other person over just as bad, if not slightly worse. This is a natural instinct, but it is irrational, and it feeds the cycle of degeneracy. One may get to wondering if it is possible to maintain a demeanor of maturity while still attaining some tangible benefit in the form of spite and vengeance. The careful balancing act that must be followed requires great dedication and concentration. So, how does one be the “bigger man” while simultaneously breaking into the other person's house, vandalising the valuables and stealing the snacks? The first trick, obviously, is to not get caught, and if you fuck that up, then I have no advice for you.
The second trick is to never actually seek out conversation with this person, following your act of retribution: avoid them like the plague. That being said, if they approach you, do not let them know of any change in interactive dynamics; mention that you have been dreadfully busy lately, and that the two of you should catch up over coffee some time. Act as cordial as you possibly can be, without giving away the fact that it is all one giant, hilarious joke. If they catch on to the fact that you raided their pantry and electronics, they will probably want to extract some kind of revenge on you, or even involve law enforcement, so it is crucial to always be observant, watching out for the so-called “evil eyes,” which are generally a sign of very bad things about to come. In the case of instigation of physical assault, one must be prepared with the latest in martial arts techniques.
At the Cinema This Week
"Eternal Pleasure": A supernatural dinosaur incarnated as a man must fight his attraction to his whimsical taxi driver so that he can save the world from ultimate destruction first. Four Stars.
