Treating paralysis: Position person on bed if they are not on one already. Pour one tall glass of sarsaparilla, seasoned with fresh ice cubes. Splash on face, then pull person to the ground, begin stomping them in the loins, and then drag them by their hair or arm, whichever produces more pain, across the floor and out into the concrete steps (where you will hear a number of satisfying thumps) until throwing them into the nearby dumpster for the ambulance and/or garbage collector.
Obscuring mosquito bites: Create a solution that is one part water, one part virgin's blood, and one part emu oil moisturizing lotion. Add two tablespoons of brown sugar as well as the finely crushed leaves of gypsophila paniculata, which should be handled with bare fingers at all times until placement into the solution. Stir thoroughly and let sit for three minutes. Take two drops of the stirred solution and pour over bite, before rubbing gently. Repeat for any remaining bites; drink what is left of the solution as it cannot be left out.
Kicking the habit: Remove everything in your home that reminds you of your addiction, preferably by flushing these items down the toilet, unless you regularly succumb to the hedonistic pleasures of psychedelic toad licking, in which case you should probably contact your local animal shelter. Delete dealers and users from your phone, stock up on good books and movies that you are comfortable watching, and then pre-heat your oven to 230 degrees. Set your timer for thirty minutes. After you have enjoyed an episode of a familiar favourite television program, and maybe snacked out a little on a piece of fruit (although this is unlikely), you will return to the oven. Open it and place your body in the oven, slowly and carefully so as to fit comfortably. If you are unable to fit, or close the door on your own, you may want to have a friend to help you.
Buying a home: Ask your real estate agent if you can take them out to lunch, insisting if necessary. Place laxatives in their beverage; when they return from their resulting bathroom visit, insinuate to them that they have been seriously poisoned and that you will only cure them if they are willing to lower the price of the home that you have nearly been conned into purchasing as though you were just any random idiot from the streets so desperate to buy a home that you would settle for any ridiculous deal. If he is not game, take him back to the bathroom and give him a wedgie; make sure to leave him in a positioning which renders him astounding difficulty in getting up, so that you have enough time to leave the restaurant without paying.
