Are you focusing on Christmas yet? In heaven, and the North Pole, and in Oklahoma, folks are already getting pretty rowdy at the prospect of the trees and the presents and the roast turkeys and the carols and the rolling good times. But... oh, it hasn't even occurred to you, has it? Here are a number of things you should be worrying about right now!
What are you going to get your boss? Your boss cares about you a lot – after all, they enable your lifestyle like few others ever could, by directly or indirectly providing you with your income. Now is the time to show your appreciation by giving a little bit of that income back to them, because they have truthfully earned it, through their own spirit of generosity (which lasts all year, and not just Christmas). Your boss has feelings, too! Make sure to incorporate these feelings heavily into your holiday planning, lest your workplace relations sour and your life becomes an unbearable clusterfuck of barely restrained incivility.
How are you going to decorate the exterior of your home? Christmas lights blazing from the outside of your lovely suburban home can become a giant competition, and you can win not only by having an outrageous lights display, but by putting it up and blasting the electricity every night starting a good three months early! If you live in the 'right' kind of place, you will have already been beaten by someone in your neighborhood before reading this column. Fuck global warming – this is Christmas we're talking about.
Where are you doing your holiday shopping? Have you even begun scouting out for the best prices, or do you simply not care about saving the most money you possibly can? You will probably care a lot more when you have to pull your kids out of private schools and start cooking at home. Imagine the shame as you walk to your car from the grocery store carrying baked beans and pasta, which you then have to prepare in your kitchen. People will see you from out the windows of their fancy restaurants, enjoying top grade food and relaxing in comfortable chairs, and at best, utilize you for a passing thought of pity. At worst, you will inspire them to ignite their own prejudices against the poor by becoming active in their local chapter of the Republican-Tea Party. Prevent this by collecting coupons excessively, and bargaining your way into lower prices (see 'Making Compelling Arguments').
When are you going to kick your kids out of home? Okay, let's get serious for a minute here. Before you can put up those impressive lights, which no one would even begin to assume you are using as a method of compensating for deficits in other areas of your personal life, you should probably have a conversation with your adult children, who are still leeching off you in ways that you never envisioned when you were their age, and who will be expecting gluttonous amounts of food, alcohol, and presents when the season begins to roll around. Simple solution. Kick 'em out. If they start to get bitchy about it – expecting some kind of hand-out, or acting like they are entitled to something – threaten to get a restraining order, and then do so if the threat is not enough. My twelve year old was unwilling to leave at the prospect of a restraining order, so I had to simply get one. Their life is a lot more difficult now, but not everyone gets to learn things the easy way.
