I am a volcano waiting to erupt. The sordid acts I wish to commit are a plague upon those around me like they would never believe only waiting to happen. Here are a few of the things I am going to do in the next couple of days, right after I finish vacuuming the kitchen and alphebetising my bookshelf:
1. Storing terrible things in the freezer equipment at my place of employment. I don't normally have a good excuse to go fox hunting, so I am relishing this opportunity. Nobody wants to consume something that has been in the vicinity of a fox corpse, stored improperly to boot. I am exploiting natural fears among the population while also creating an atmosphere that is disgusting and unsanitary, which has psychological consequences for the people who must tolerate such conditions.
2. Leaving snarky notes for my coworkers to be insulted by. I maintain healthy relationships with the people that I have to interact with each toiling day, and now I can finally inject a healthy dose of honesty into the way that I handle these unpleasant conversations of necessity, perhaps in a way which will make these people question their solicitation of my companionship and approval in the first place. Everyone will be made aware of who is saying these slanderous things; yours truly.
3. Doing absolutely inexplicable, juvenile, and unethical things. It is truly fascinating what one can get away with in the short period of time where your once respectable reputation is rapidly diminishing in waves as you unleash the maniacal behaviour. The best acts of this kind are usually spontaneous, but to give you a general idea of what I'm feeling, I'd defecate in a place where people walk, maybe get some gloves and get a little smear pattern going, or spell out a carefully chosen word (yet to be determined) if the deposit is especially fruitful. The consumption of outrageous amounts of junk food at breakneck speed would be one possible way to aid this goal, and of course performed in an obscene manner in the public square (wearing only a tie and differently coloured socks, eating Chinese take-out with my hands, and using a fork for a Snickers bar, Costanza style).
Join us next week to learn how to get a new job (first hint: do not mention your previous employer as a reference), although the newspaper periodicals are full of helpful offers that will tide you over till we meet again (second hint: avoid the ads which lack any description of what the job actually entails).
