Rodgers: What do you expect me to do; sweep and mop the floor? Do I really look like I have time for this?
Ulster: You look like you have all of the time in the world, Rodgers.
Rodgers: Hey, get bent, man. Ain't my fucking problem.
This is the sort of situation that could easily escalate into violence with the help of alcohol. Over here at the Friends & Family of Deceased Alcoholics Association and Preventative Network, where we finance completely unbiased research into methods of tackling the so-called binge drinking epidemic, we have come to a number of startling conclusions.
A.) The number of injuries and deaths related to alcohol could be seriously decreased with a few restrictive measures, like increasing the purchasing age limit, increasing the excise health taxes on alcohol products, and harsher penalties for convictions of violent, drunken behaviour. There are a few caveats, however; for example, though we want to tax alcohol in accordance to its social and medical toll, wine is a major industry over here, so we should probably just leave that completely alone. If we increase the taxes on only beer and spirits, binge drinking should be reduced by 50% in the first year of implementation. (What's missing, you might ask? The graphic photos of bloated livers, oral cancers, fried colons, etc. with simple and direct warnings, such as “DRINKING BEER AND/OR SPIRITS CAUSES LIVER CIRRHOSIS.”)
B.) The number of drunk drivers on our public roads is still far too high to be considered safe by even the most lenient of standards. Clearly, random breath-testing and pulling over reckless drivers is not enough; perhaps the frequency of random breath-testing should be increased, which can be paid for with another increase in beer and spirits taxes. More armed cops on the street, patrolling around to break up any booze-fueled brawls, paid for with yet another brand new vodka tax. Feel a little safer yet?
C.) The number of people who take alcohol consumption as a threat to society seriously is still not high enough to broadly change societal attitudes and habits towards alcohol. This is why we need to apply the immensely successful Tobacco Prevention Agenda, with alterations, to alcohol. Some reports are now saying that the cumulative effect from binge drinking on non-drinkers rivals that of the second-hand smoke emitted by a cigarette smoker fulfilling their hopeless, life-destroying addiction to nicotine. It is socially acceptable to walk up to a smoker and cough; and soon, it shall be quite similar to walk up to a drinker and spit in their filthy beer. People will finally come around to the simple fact that self-medication is not only unethical and dangerous, but also entirely unnecessary in the age of anti-depressants. See your doctor today.
