I cannot see properly; haven't been able to for four hours at least. The pre-sunrise frantic cleaning operation has begun, and I am not sure what I am doing, entirely, except that I am picking up items with my hands and then putting these items somewhere else, only to forget instantaneously what was just moved and its site of relocation. Completely, utterly useless. I'm quite sure that I knocked over some gigantic variety of potted plant when roaming through the backyard on my way back inside last night. I can't recall the details of all sorts of things on demand, but – well, I've got a hunch about this one. I definitely created a terrible mess. I'll go check.
No, I'm not going crazy (just permanently losing any sense of balance and coordination). I'm going to have to clean that up later, along with the stains in the sink. Do you think I enjoy this? Does this sound like a non-stop barrel of laughs to you? You have no idea how difficult I've got it, man. I didn't choose this. No one does, except those who are malicious and have nothing left to lose. In any other circumstance, saner heads would prevail. No, I definitely did not choose to live like this. Some might describe this decadence as an “anything goes-type situation” (AGTS) but everyone has their limits. Around here, we frown upon martinis before 11 am on Tuesdays, for example (though, admittedly, there is a sort of loophole available through sleeping in).
In moments of reflection I will find myself worrying about my own coherency and sensibility. Here I am, out-drinking all of my friends, and they come to me and start telling me the same story three or four times in the course of a meeting, sometimes with alarming proximity, and I have no idea whether to say anything or not. It's too late in the friendship to suddenly bring up some kind of embarrassing memory problem, but then that sort of honesty is useful because one can never critique their own performance accurately and objectively, and by opening a discourse which is transparent in its communication, one can learn details at a measured pace. This is usually preferable to the rush of information that may be dumped all at once, which can be followed by a stabbing rampage. (“What do you mean I've been forwarding you the exact same chain e-mail every two days since the middle of March, Bob? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?”)
Impulsive decision making can be the cause of further casualties in the AGTS. One moment, I am eight beers deep and passionately arguing for the necessity of stronger antitrust laws, and suddenly we are at a crack den, crushing up ADHD medication and playing the Beatles on vinyl because no one can agree on anything else. Then the host will inevitably announce, with the demeanor with which one might announce a funeral, that we have run out of boxed wine, unless of course you happen to be the host and his girlfriend, who will be retiring to the bedroom shortly to indulge in the treats available to no one else. A group of us may go on a walk to remedy our increasing sense of malaise, in the hope of procuring further intoxicants or maybe just do something stupid (because, hey, “anything goes”). Thirty-six hours later and the face bruises generally serve as a healthy reminder that I have chosen pretty much the worst hobby in the world, and I can't even begin to come up with a good explanation for what happened to my bank account balance.
There was one day last year that I did not consume any alcohol, and it proved to be a heinous decision of epic proportions: I was driving along the highway, maybe 30-40 km over the limit, when I fell asleep and veered off the side of the road, tipping the car over, igniting a fire, which incidentally woke me up again, so I got out of the car, and saved the canary, but did not have time to rescue the trio of puppies (I do not mention this to potential benefactors). To my credit, I was neglecting to answer a phone call at the exact moment of the accident; I hastened to inform the officers of this but they appeared uninterested. If the accident had been caused by drinking, perhaps I would have stable employment in the noble profession of giving patronising lectures to school children about the inevitable consequences of drinking and driving. Why, oh why, did it have to turn out like this?
