Don't say we never provide you with useful insider tips on how to ride to success in an increasingly perilous economy. Get in on these marketing opportunities while you still have the chance!
Advanced Medical Care for a New Millennium
Requirements: baseball bat.
This philosophy of health care is based on the notion that any existing pain can be numbed with the introduction of new pain. The new, controllable pains are then ceased at the point of payment. For example:
Sick Kid: Hello, doc, I've got a sprained ankle and it hurts like crazy!
I proceed to hit Sick Kid over the head with a baseball bat.
Me: Would you like to feel better?
Sick Kid: Yes!
Me: That will be $50, thank you.
If, alternatively, Sick Kid says 'no', I must continue to hit him with the baseball bat until he succumbs to my generous and inexpensive health care offer.
Selling Your Own Things at Insanely Deflated Prices
Requirements: all of your shit.
This particular marketing opportunity is based around the assumption that you are broke, have no prospects and/or don't wish to be employed, and are not comfortable with performing armed robberies. Unfortunately, this opportunity only lasts as long as you have valuable assets, and in hindsight, you may regret selling all of your prized possessions so that you could buy boxed wine that week.
If you have an especially compulsive personality, it may be useful before you begin this project to compile a list of items which you are absolutely not willing to sell. You should also space out the most valuable items so that you can keep a steady stream of income for as long as possible; otherwise, two weeks and an ounce of cocaine later, you will be reduced to hocking 'ABBA's Greatest Hits' and similar items from the CD rack at $1 apiece. People who are experienced with this game know to visit multiple stores on a regular basis, lest they be cut off by someone at a shop who feels that they have made one too many visits to sell some more of their worthless media. The look of disgust in their eyes when they tell you “no” (and that snarky “go finance your addiction to drugs somewhere else” expression of hatred coming from their lips) almost makes you want to get a job.
There is a pleasant alternative to this, which is to sell your own things at insanely inflated prices instead. This generally only tends to work if you have a product which is only available at even higher prices elsewhere. Not that we are suggesting that you go into the illicit homegrown tobacco business, but it would certainly be a lucrative field, don't you think?
Doing People's Homework
Requirements: spare time.
Does twenty bucks for a 1,500 word essay sound good? Maybe fifteen bucks and a beer? We can work something out. What's it about, anyway?
'You are an academic adviser for Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet A. Napolitano and have been directed to write a paper that assesses the politics of irregular immigration in the US and outlines a program for comprehensive reform.'
Well, shit, I'll do this one for $20. First of all, if I was an academic adviser for the fucking Department of Homeland Security, I would probably need some awfully generous health benefits considering all of the insomnia, binge drinking, chain smoking... being powerlessly complicit in all of their acts of crime and incompetence sounds just fantastic!
And here we are with this 'comprehensive reform' nonsense again. I'm starting to think that reform is some kind of jargon which literally means politicians and big business lobbyists having a big old circle jerk, know what I mean? There are all sorts of things in this essay question that are pissing me off, and I haven't even sat down to look for a bunch of mostly unrelated books to cite as references. In fact, I am going to need to be completely wasted in order to write anything on this topic without being a total asshole. $30 and a bottle of Jager sound okay?
Food Safety Committee
Requirements: payment of a nominal fee.
For a nominal fee, our Food Safety Committee will attempt to determine whatever it is that you need to know about whatever dish ails you. We have a man in Room C who is willing to eat anything and will hope to decipher if a certain sample of product contains any meat with his hyper sensitive taste buds for any vegetarians who just aren't certain if their grandmother's quiche contains any bacon or not. Regarding concerns of poison, we keep rats in the basement who double as guinea pigs for any potentially dangerous foodstuffs. Of course, we take the greatest care not to harm animals, except when we step on giant spiders with our boots and consume meat twice daily.
If your food is of a reasonable safety quality, adhering to our strict standards, we will even give you our coveted Food Safety Committee Seal of Approval, which values at a minimum of $74 on the black market. (Beware of counterfeit Seals of Approval – though, technically, there is no discernible difference between our Seal and the counterfeit, we intend to sue the living shit out of anyone caught with a fake one. Really.)
