Greetings, heathens! Today I received an exciting letter of testimonials from St. Peter’s Church of the Assembly of Christ in Shelbyville, West Virginia. Labeled “That’s a Fact!: Startling Testimonials from the Hell-bound,” this tract explains clearly and bluntly why so many people are going to meet eternal damnation. If I may quote from it directly:
“Sometimes your hatred of God really comes back to haunt you at the most inconvenient times, such as when I was fornicating with a young married woman, enjoying our unified and mutual denial—no, outright hatred—of God the Father. Some days later, I learned that I had been given gonorrhea by that woman; later that month, she learned that she was pregnant, but she had not had sexual intercourse with her husband for a considerable period of time. She decided to wait until she was eight months pregnant to get the abortion, and she forced me to come along with her. The doctors induced a premature birth and then took the little baby, put him, crying, on a table and chopped him to little bits with an axe. It made me want to commit suicide, but the woman told me that this was how we were going to do things if we wanted to worship Satan. Be wary of women who fornicate; most of them are like this.”
It truly is shocking the amount of deception nonbelievers have in their hearts. People living for today think they can get away with all sorts of sins, but the truth is that they will pay the price come Judgment Day. Fortunately, I am here to help. Today I will again be answering the letters of people across the nation in an effort to save some of God’s precious children from the dark sulfuric undergrounds of hell.
Dear John:
My mother is a terminal cancer patient who claims that using marijuana on a regular basis significantly reduces the amount of pain she experiences. When I told her that God opposes drug use, she told me that the pain was too immense without the marijuana. How do I handle this situation?
Mike H., Alabama
Dear Mike, your mother is the devil himself. There is no credible scientific research to show that marijuana has any practical uses as pain relief. However, research does show that marijuana causes schizophrenia, lung cancer, and chemical imbalances that may trigger sympathies towards Satanism, communism, and Zionism. Old people, who are often possessed by demons, have an agenda to legalize marijuana because of the profit they will make from their cannabis farms. God isn’t fooled by their wise tricks, and neither should you.
Dear John:
I was recently sent a compact disc album of a child choir performing songs with titles such as “The Holy Spirit Touched Me (And I Called Social Services)”, “I Fucked Jesus (On the Cross)”, and “Eating Shellfish and Pork for Personal Enjoyment.” I was shocked to see in the liner notes that my very own eleven-year-old boy was among those performing in the choir. What am I going to do? Regards,
Chris T., South Carolina
Dear Chris, a Wikipedia search for the Charleston Choir revealed that their eponymous debut album, which features the songs that you mentioned, has become a huge hit among young adults, and is gaining quickly on radio airplay charts. For example, they have scored three top 40 hits already: “The American Civil Liberties Union Should be a Cabinet Department”, “The Holy Spirit Touched Me…”, and “I’d Rather Worship Zeus.” I can’t say what the appeal of this garbage is, exactly, but I can certainly say that you should obtain all copies of the album in your vicinity and bulldoze them. As for your eleven-year-old boy, the appropriate punishment for blasphemy is a community stoning. You know that!
Hi John,
I recently came across a collection of jokes about famed Western movie actor Chuck Norris. Most of these “jokes,” with which I found no humor in whatsoever, gave Mr. Norris some sort of supernatural quality. If these jokes are meant as parody, why does Chuck Norris not exhibit any supernatural qualities whatsoever? Either I have a misunderstanding of the definition of supernatural, or the writer of these jokes doesn’t know anything about Chuck Norris! It goes without saying that this is libel, and I have informed my Congressman about it. I was hoping you would give more publicity towards my cause.
Collie D., Minnesota
Thanks for your letter, Collie. I was not aware of these so-called jokes about Chuck Norris, but they strike me as defamation of the worst sort. Only in a society where we have relaxed our morals and family values so much like in modern day America would such vile slander be allowed to exist. This is yet more proof that the end times are upon us, probably about three weeks from now.
Dear John,
I was watching a special on PBS about prehistoric times and dinosaurs and the like. I am confused as to why there were no humans in this so-called documentary.
William C., Nebraska
The answer is simple, William! People who make these documentaries—who, need I remind my readers, were not around when they claim these things happened, so they have no way of knowing what they say is true—use computer generated effects to give the illusion of reality in their films. No actual footage of dinosaurs exists, though the oldest human record of a dinosaur is of course the biblical book of Job. When scientists ignore God’s word and rely on the planted fossils, the result is moral chaos.
