Shane on you, say I, for having the audacity to name your child something so pretentious as 'Austere Rice Jones.' You should be placed in a mental institution and your child confiscated by protective services. Shane on you, say I, for having the misplaced intrepidity to name your second child something so inherently distasteful as 'Salmonella Gloria-Alyse Jones.' You are a disgrace to your community and to the human species.
I raise my glass of champagne in honor of the idea that you and your newly renamed children never see each other again. Having observed striking photographs from official tabloid websites, the living conditions of your offspring leave me shocked and appalled at your disgusting lack of parental skill and astounding deficit in common sense. Have you no decency, that you could refrain from requiring your children to use litter trays in lieu of toilet training? Have you no basic intelligence, that you would understand not to douse your children in toxic paint as part of some incomprehensible talent show dance routine endeavor?
I have bigger fish to fry, though, and I'm not suggesting that we ban people from naming their children stupid things; after all, it helps us catch the crazies faster. And my Lord, are these people absolutely off the wall nuts. These people believe that you can actually improve your individual circumstances in a meaningful way if you adapt your perspective with a positive attitude. They then go on to reproduce. This scares many informed readers, who are dreading the prospect of the bourgeois, meditating yuppies with electric hedge-trimmers and carbon-neutral swimming pools assimilating into the mainstream and having an influence in business administration and even worse, public policy and the ideological tilt of the government. Some people claim that this has already happened, and they may very well be correct.
Of course, enough people have been distracted and bought off by special interests – either directly through government subsidy (and there is an endless number of people who have been bought off in this area), or indirectly through their own mindless capitulation to the capitalist system, investing in fancy gadgets and over sized automobiles until the banks collapse and they rethink their budget strategy for the first time since graduating from college. Everyone's got it pretty rough, of course, and so there is a lot of discontent, which is rife for stirring by any number of patronizing hotheads with an agenda to push and an ego to cater to. This is allowing us to lose focus of the hijacking that seems to be taking place here (no one seems to be worried that profanity appears to be in the regular discourse of the President, the Vice President, and their aides, who are prone to swearing almost as though they were real people). A pleasant side effect, however, is that people are learning to save more of their money, and keep some of it stashed away for 'rainy day' funds. Other people are partying like there is no tomorrow, especially those lucky souls who got filthy rich by betting on house foreclosures. (“I'm just trying to put my kids through college and pay for my wife's anxiety pills,” said one anonymous benefactor of the string of bank collapses in late 2008. He declined comment regarding the description that his mega-yacht was “vomit caked from all of the partying going on,” instead claiming that he was now trying to focus on his community service.)
Shane on you, Beet Lemon Ragland Jr., for naming your son Kelly Rectum Ragland, and then propping him up to be a tap dancer as a child when he clearly aspired to be a pianist. Shane on you, Lloyd Todd Krugman, for naming your daughter Farcelena Guava Sands-Krugman, and for inciting in her the capacity to create a frenzy of vampire activity at her public school, only for your own godless amusement. Armageddon is right around the corner, and something tells me that pseudo hippies with high-definition televisions don't stand a chance against the mighty chocolate and feather covered chariot of the Divine Lord and Savior as He rides down with reindeer and sweeps away all of the believers in His final act of protection against the soon to be battered earth. And people worry about melting glaciers?
