Six Great Reasons to Get an Education

#1: You don't have to worry about being homeless. Poverty is a fate rarely visited upon by the valiant soul who has sought and attained a good education, and likewise homelessness can only occur to the most illiterate of people who toil in their lack of clean clothes and in their ignorance of Roman history. Uneducated and homeless, these people become trapped in a vicious cycle of vagabond tendencies, poor nutrition and intoxicant abuse, and are unlikely to choose a way out if so provided. This is one of the best reasons to stay in school, not that we are trying to instill bigotry against the homeless, because they can be great people (not to mention war veterans).

#2: You will become normal and well-adjusted. Kids who stay in school grow up to be normal, happy adults with great families and good jobs. They get to look after huge gardens in their expansive front and backyards, all while admiring their gigantic house with two spare rooms. This is the dream, right? Don't throw it away by staying home and watching cartoons all day instead of going to school! People who do this tend to end up possessing an irrational hatred of mankind. Misanthropy is still a capital crime in sixteen states, so play it safe.*

#3: You earn the respect from your family and friends that you otherwise would not deserve. It's graduation day, and everyone is so proud of you! This is your special day! Thanks to your mountainous and meaningful accomplishments, you are now guaranteed to be happy and successful for the rest of your life. Your family knows this, and they are rejoicing in your financial security too. Your friends are impressed that you didn't turn out to be a dipshit, and will probably not get rid of your phone number.

#4: You will be able to get a job in the field you want. If you work hard and stick to it, you just might end up with a set of qualifications so unbeatable that you will be a shoe-in for all sorts of extremely well paying jobs, which demand all sorts of time and effort on your behalf. Once you have been doing this for a decade or so, if you've been saving money, you can start working in something a little bit less hectic, and maybe even get your social life back, or at least start watching more television. At no point during this period are you to experience intense anger or suicidal thoughts, and if this happens, you should consult a physician immediately (and possibly go back to college to get another degree, which may help you become more normal and well-adjusted).

#5: You will not become sick. If you get an education, you will know better than to partake in activities which are harmful to your mental and physical health. Hospitals are filled with people unable to read and comprehend even basic warnings and instructions on household appliances, injuring themselves in pointless ways. You would be surprised how many folks drop out of high school and then cook toast in the bathtub. Similarly, someone with an education is going to look at an advertisement for wild berry flavoured soft candies, and incorporate their knowledge of tooth decay, diabetes, etc. into their decision, rather than begin consuming them. Without access to the right information (which can only be obtained through accredited education), your immune system collapses; your remains are left for the vultures.

#6: You aren't going to be a criminal scumbag. If you examine criminal activity closely, you will notice how so much of it seems to be directly a result of poor communication and outright misinformation within the criminal scumbag community. People mug you on the street because they have not been educated and do not understand that money is legally obtained through employment. Simply showing up to class can help you avert the fate of the filthy degenerate who urinates on your doorstep at seven o'clock in the morning, only to be hauled away unwillingly by enforcers of statute.

* We received some very concerning reports about a group of high school drop-outs in Des Moines, Iowa who organised a fraternity devoted to personal apathy with special emphasis on an activity which one observer described as “dick dunking in a giant tub of ketchup” followed by oral sex, and in some cases, insulin injections. Local police appear unwilling to investigate the suspicious methods of this group, but the lesson here for the rest of society is clear.

Heaven Ain't No Place for Angels

You are:
a. Working part-time at a bar/cafe/clothing outlet
b. About to have your second child
c. Investing heavily in the stock market

If any of the above apply to you, stop reading immediately. The information in this article is also not safe for those who live in heavily snowy areas, are hoping to obtain financial security by riding on the success of their friends, or engage in underground bird smuggling and trade.

Now that we have that out of the way, let us ponder briefly what exactly is the best way to eradicate the illegal bird trade in the world which threatens the lives of endangered species and treats animals in cruel and unusual ways. The first thing is poisoning the supply: even your closest friends and family who work in the underground bird smuggling and trade industry must be killed. Don't even think twice. Long-term strategy: if demand persists and new suppliers spring up, it then becomes time to poison the demand. Start killing people left and right!

Think for a moment about the sort of people who would want to collect the feathers of extremely threatened birds and put them on their wall as a wreath to admire while they chew away on some grilled kakapo. These aren't even people: they are parasitic targets, and do not deserve the respect of a fair legal system or humane treatment. 'Bird Killers Shot on Sight' is our aim here. The parasitic targets have left us no choice but to completely remove them from society, without regard to any of their own individual accomplishments or professed virtues. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

As with any populist proposal to solve a problem such as this, there are naysayers, and they are blinded with irrational bigotry towards birds, as well as a “bleeding heart” mentality towards criminal activity. Is it really so far fetched to entertain the eradication of bird smuggling through such ruthless means? The balance of our very ecosystem depends on the continued existence of these birds, and it seems many of us are comfortable just turning a blind eye. I say: you lose all of your rights the second you seek to engage in the bird trade. Want to get serious? Want to get tough on environmental crime? Here's our winning model.

Let's talk about hunting. Hunting is pretty fucked up. You know the type: some fat asshole who goes out at a ridiculous hour to shoot eighteen ducks, jerk off in the bushes, and then leave. On the way home, he gets some drive through KFC for lunch. The ducks are rotting away unattended near the lake. He doesn't eat duck. He finds the texture unappealing. And there you have the story of every hunter, viciously and wastefully killing animals to cater to their own pleasure in cruel and sadistic activity. Our specimen does this for a solid thirty years and then comes to the doctor with a bloated liver and erectile dysfunction only to leave with a bunch of medication that you just paid for.

If we really want to tackle the looming health care crisis, perhaps we should focus less on centralisation (and its frightening overtones of digital record keeping and increased risk of fraud) and more on regressive consumption taxes, which will help pay for the increasing medical costs. What's the point of prohibiting welfare recipients from buying beer if they buy chocolate cake instead? They end up in the hospital anyway, using your money to pay for their hideous oral cancer therapy. Isn't it about time we started using some really draconian tactics to fuck over the poor? If all of this rhetoric coming from the right wing is accurate, people on welfare are buying cigarettes and pornography, then giving these items to their children while drinking their sorrows away in some battered location, only to use even more public money further on to address their inevitable immune system disaster. Sure, we could require that 50% of welfare funds are spent on 'life essentials' such as food and rent (Sprite and a slum). Maybe we could also require people on the dole to pay for their own medical care too, since they probably need more of it and are draining the system. You play the system, you pay into the system, correct? I mean, we're all about saving your money and respecting the autonomy of the free market around here, so let's act like it.

In the end, it truly comes down to giving people a 'fair go.' Tolerance, respect and understanding are the cornerstone of our society, and this is the foundation from which we find our principles. So to all of those money hungry bastards waiting for a cheque in the mail, I say: prepare to find yourself digging through the dumpster for your dinner, because if that's what it takes to stimulate this economy, then the rest of the country just turned its unappreciated back on your ass.

This manifesto is not intended to be exclusionary, dehumanising, or arbitrary in its narrow and prejudiced aims. Did I forget to mention boat people?

Somebody Feed the Milkman, He Looks Upset

If you had been picking cotton all day like I have, you'd be feeling tired and reckless too. – Aristotle

Do you ever stop to think about what it's like to take a walk in someone else's shoes? Someone else's socks? Maybe their pants and underwear too? It might be very constricting and you have no idea. You haven't even tried it. How can you judge someone fairly without knowing every aspect of their life and all of the circumstances that led them to where they are, standing in front of you now? You can't. So don't even try. Don't even pretend that you can. There's no point.

Instead, focus on positive things, like the things that you like more about yourself than the person you can't even pretend to judge. This is not spiteful; it is merely observant. I recommend drawing no conclusions from such thought processes except to highlight your own personal strengths in a way which makes you more comfortable with your present situation. That is what you want, right? You want to be comfortable. You want to be happy. One very easy way to achieve this is by always thinking happy thoughts. This is like Dr. Seuss 101, but I guess a lot of whiny, self-loathing posers missed that particular course.

Of course, sometimes bad things happen to good people... or maybe good things happen to bad people; life isn't always fair, and this is why it is easier for some people to be happier than others. One little secret that a lot of people may not know is that good people tend to think that bad people are actually happier than they are, and vice versa. (Or, as you have doubtlessly heard before, 'the grass is always greener on the other side.') The good people are thus struggling constantly with the temptation to commit acts of personal greed and hedonism, while the bad people have to deal with a nagging feeling that maybe they ought to give up having a good time. Who's really happy? The unclassifiables, who have not registered to fight in armed wars for either the Good or the Bad sides, are fairly likely to be content with the fact that they have not yet signed their own death warrant. Unfortunately for those who have already unwittingly signed up, your pledge for military service is irrevocable (unless you are gay).

Here's another piece of key advice: things are never quite as bad as you think they are; they're slightly better, unless you are an optimist. The problem with optimists is that they lack any decent grasp of reality; for example, they expect good things to happen even when they have become accustomed to bad things occurring on a regular basis. They expect good things to happen even when doing activities which virtually always precipitate bad things. The good news, however, is that things – like people – will also soon commit a virtuous act of self-destruction, at least if they have signed up for the Good or Bad sides. The unclassifiable things, as to be expected, are presented with the coveted free pass.

Aristotle was prescient in his warnings. Not only is slavery immoral, it puts its facilitators under quite the damning lens. At least I think that's what he was trying to say in that admittedly fluff piece he did on cotton. Unlike many other philosophers, Aristotle has never been falsely attributed with anything, so we can only take his words at face value here. Perhaps not 'face value' per se, but look, the guy was trying to get some really serious point across. It would be, quite frankly, irresponsible to ignore it.

So You Want to Get Better at Doing Stuff

It's not the way he moves, nor the way he speaks; it's not what he knows, nor who he knows: he makes the calls, and he gets things done. He asks for what he wants, and then he receives it. His wish is your command.

Do you want to be this person? If so, you've probably come to the right place. Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. His name is Rodney, and he is “the shit.” Whenever Rodney wants something, he vocalises his request. It is then usually accomplished almost immediately. People treat Rodney with respect because his persona and his demeanor, frankly, demand this respect. He is the kind of guy who you might accidentally get into a staring contest with and then get your ass kicked. He is the kind of guy who might, in a bout of drunkenness, spill his half-empty beer on your clothes, and then make you buy him another one. The kind of guy who walks out of fancy restaurants without paying anything, because someone out there, following him around, will cover the tab. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Do you want to be Rodney? Do you want the spirit of Rodney to penetrate your insides and strike at the very core of your soul, mindset, and personality?

There are two things you need to know about Rodney. Firstly, he doesn't take shit from anyone. In fact, Rodney has a very low tolerance level for other people's rancid bullshit, and takes offence at the assumption that he would care to listen to the ramblings of deluded, lesser beings. Rodney refuses to entertain arrogant fools with serious discourse, and as such, he only needs to speak to people who present some kind of value or worth to him. This enables Rodney to free up more of his time to expand his creative abilities and focus on self improvement. You, too, can score all sorts of extra space on the calendar once you cut out all of the stupid assholes you waste hours talking to on a daily basis! Make people know that they have to be somebody in order to be able to talk to you. Otherwise... they aren't worth it.

Secondly, Rodney is always seeking to better himself, so that one day he can, hopefully, help others. Right now, Rodney is only capable of hurting people, but this has still given him astounding results in many areas, including the aforementioned respect, as well as free coffees from punk teenagers working at the shop next to his house. Nonetheless, Rodney felt it pertinent to devise a number of schemes (he preferred to call it a “raft of proposals,” but was shot down by the editorial board) which, built on the foundations of hope and change, would allow for sweeping shocks to the system. Rodney lay the groundwork to begin Physical Aggression Reform, Psychological & Emotional Abuse Reform, Monetary Theft and Related Assault Reform, and Gratitude & Courtesy Reform. Unfortunately, though these proposals originally began as strong efforts to combat serious problems with Rodney's psyche, the inevitable watering down that occurs in committee made these 'reforms' mostly worthless: just some window dressing for Rodney to show off to his friends. Even worse, Rodney's friends had begun to feel alienated by his egocentric, obsessive, and misogynistic behaviour. They had hoped to stage an intervention, but Rodney spiked their tea with datura before the meeting and fucked them up really nicely for a week or two. By the time people were recovering from their respectively hellish adventures, Rodney had fled town and started a new life somewhere else. Essentially, when efforts at reform proved fruitless, Rodney was left no choice but to change course entirely and seek a better life through other means. You must be willing to do this as well.

The time to make a bold move is now, rather than later. Rationality, logic, and calmness can only get you so far in this cruel world. Take a page out of the old Rodney playbook: disregard what others think, do what feels right; and get the fuck out of there without leaving a trace when you start to cause trouble. Rodney is a smart cookie, and he knows better than to stick around long enough to start paying for the consequences of his actions. A person like you has a lot to learn from a guy like Rodney, so I hope you have found this advice constructive in shaping your own goals for self improvement. This won't be the last you'll hear from me on the subject!

Can't Breathe

Everywhere I go, everywhere I look: you stalk me like no other, and your presence haunts me like a ghost. You've gotten rid of all of the things that I enjoyed about you; all of your traits I liked the most. I try to find some relief in something, anything; but you are there, menacing and impossible to avoid. Then one day I come along to hear that you are packing up and moving away, and I am overjoyed.

It seems like there is no end to the tragic string of events that you bring with you wherever you go. We go to lunch, you spill your drink on my plate; I help you move boxes and one of them falls on my toe. You, naturally, just chuckle it all away, showing no sympathy, no appreciation, no remorse. Sometimes, I think to myself, I don't know what to do with you anymore, but you'll get what's coming in due course.

I never quite knew how to tell you just how much I loathed you, how I hate every fibre of your being. The way you control me, the way you end up inserting me into the very middle of whatever I am fleeing. This is all well and good: you have pushed me to the edge and now there is no point trying to return. Finally I will address you and inform you of all the things that you felt too self-important to discern.

As I destroy your car and trash your backyard, I contemplate on what we had together once. The initial seemingly mutual respect has thoroughly disappeared and I am left feeling like a buffoon and a dunce. Thwarting my plans to deliver a list of grievances, you insisted on involving law enforcement, just to hurt me. The thought of your meddling lingers, much like a red wine stain, restrained by the clutches of incarceration where I just want to let be.

Forever I am tarred with your stinging memory; forever I must think about you and your horrid tricks. If you left me with any parting lessons of knowledge and wisdom, it is only that there is nothing I can fix. Through your actions I am left no choice but to wallow in my sorrows in the painful solitude that you have placed me in. I am a mere pilgrim of emotional trauma unable to escape from this wretched constriction of decadence and sin.

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We're always live, ON SCENE, where real news is actually happening!

R: Well, Jim, it looks like what we have here is a baseball riot. People are getting shot, stabbed with broken bottles, we even have reports of gang beatings occurring right here. This is absolutely stunning, Jim, absolutely stunning. I'll be here all evening just in case something really messed up happens. Jim?
Jim: Thanks, furry. Let's check out Kelly and her weather report!
Kelly: Thanks, Jim! This blouse was 40% off at Kenny's last weekend! Can you believe it?
Jim: It's a good fit. That looks fantastic, truly beautiful, Kelly. Now we're going to see, LIVE, the latest from Green Day in the studio with Rick Rubin collaborating with Jay-Z and AC/DC!
Kelly: It's going to be raining all week, asshole.

Are you expecting just a little bit MORE out of your basic all-purposes television network? Hey, we don't just show live golf games and reality TV: we have reality golf! Our wacky participants who are real people just like you play golf, injure themselves insignificantly, and make snide remarks about their peers every Monday to Thursday at 6:30 pm. The following is just a sample of our fine programming, from our Tuesday morning schedule (all programming rated G)!

12:00-5:00 – Home Shopping Suicide
5:00-5:30 – Binky Gets Thumped
5:30-6:00 – Fort Worth High School Glory Hole
6:00-7:00 – The Local News
7:00-8:00 – The National News
8:00-8:05 – The Global News
8:05-9:00 – Tom & Jerry & Friends
9:00-9:30 – Clara's Facial Makeover
9:30-10:00 – Homer Blows the Census Worker
10:00-10:30 – What's Hott (Top 40 Music Vidz)
10:30-11:00 – Special Weather Report with Kelly
11:00-12:00 – Bill Cosby's Latest Condescending Talk Show

So tune in, grab a blanket and some popcorn, and get ready to watch the mid-afternoon movie after that!

There Are Worse Ways to Spend Your Money

Are you looking for excitement this month? Are you sick and tired of your mundane life at home? If the answer is yes (and of course it is!), it's time to pack your bags and drive over to Yullhitzville, where the summers are cold and the residents don't talk about winter. On the way there, you'll get to make lots of stops at your favourite gasoline stores and fine dining restaurants, as well as on the side of the road whenever the young ones need to go to the bathroom (because, well, let's face it: we try to be civilised, but these are children you're dealing with here).

Once you get to Yullhitzville, you'll definitely want to prepare accommodation if you haven't done so already. You will have many options, including lovely and secluded B&B's, high-class hotels and dirt cheap motels with deals you wouldn't believe. You can also sleep in your car. After you have sorted this out, you will definitely want to check out the Yullhitzville Chocolate Factory, where for a minimal fee you and your family can enjoy the fun Chocolate Factory Tour, and even have your photo taken as you get off the Choco-RollerCoaster Fun Ride. Perhaps you are looking for a light lunch, or even some fine cuisine: you will note the emphasis on carbohydrates, particularly alcohol, in the local diet. Portions are generous and residents generally do not ask for “doggy bags.” (One particular item of town pride is the 'Yullhitzville Bacon Sandwich', which consists of two slices of white bread, one pound of fried bacon, a dollop of mayo, and two slices of Kraft American processed cheese. Pickle, lettuce and mustard are optional, and usually cost extra.)

After eating a third of your Yullhitzville Bacon Sandwich, along with some of the provided portions of fries, hash browns, bread rolls, and beer, you may wish to take a brisk stroll across the park, which is usually empty and inhabited by venomous snakes. Otherwise, you can keep driving along to the Local Arts Centre, where abstract art is all the rage. The town is known for its widespread participation by drug addicts in the art competitions, or as one resident explains, “junkies bringing in piles of trash held together by glue which they usually sniff off, which is why the piles fall apart, but because nobody here really gives a damn, they all walk out of here with fifty dorra.” This man, who wishes to remain anonymous, is an assistant manager at a hardware store, and recommends visiting the town despite what he describes as a prevalence of heroin addiction in the art community, saying that “...this city really needs the money, and I'm pretty sure the tourism industry is the only one that hasn't started dying yet.” The city council has warned that because of the economic downturn, less people are visiting this year.

So you may be asking: why the hell would I come here, and eat this awful food, and look at some piles of rubbish? Because after that, you'll definitely want to take note of the city's absolute non-enforcement of virtually all laws. Worried about getting wasted and blowing your hard earned cash on taxi rides? Never fear: this town has not yet been notified that drunk driving is illegal. There isn't a taxi service anyway, because you don't need a license to drive, and barely working cars are left all over the place all of the time. The police are even selling some of their older cars to out-of-towners interested in the preservation of historic items, so if you feel like buying a cop car, now is the time to do it. Perhaps you wish to play poker, blackjack? The casinos are all over Main Street and Josef Street, which is named for Joseph McCarthy, so make sure to bring your house deed along too!

Times are changing, and cities are progressing. Yullhitzville is emblematic of small, technologically hip communities everywhere. You have wireless access to the Internet all throughout the urban central district. You can get a 'Cappuccino' or a 'Latte' from pretty much every store that sells anything anywhere in the whole city. (Beware of the 'Latte' drink provided at Phantom Pub, which is likely to contain anti-freeze.) The bus that runs throughout the suburban shopping area to the central district, ghettos, and finishes at the gated community will not even charge you a fare, though you may get stabbed. The city is pushing for environmentally friendly restrictions on resource extraction in the area also, which has drawn the ire of some residents, including the leader of the local Coal Miners' Union, Rick Feathers, who explains that “although global warming is very much a real problem that we as a people must deal with, it is definitely not our local responsibility. I mean, these people are talking about crippling our economy.” Rick Feathers also works part-time as a mechanic for the Choco-RollerCoaster Fun Ride.

Yullhitzville is also the atmosphere that inspired the imaginative creativity of such legends as Lenny Funk, a folk musician whose guitar work is considered legendary in the area, and John Blont Blounce, the children's author and rhyming genius. (Who hasn't sat down to read 'The Dog in the Scarf' with their kids in the last three decades?) So pack your things, get your family excited, and load up on petrol, because you are going to be driving for a hell of a long time. Four or five days, minimum. This would also be a great time to consider investing in house insurance in case there is a disaster when you are trying to enjoy your carefree vacation, which is available at competitive rates from our corporate parent.

Just to See You Smile (Non-Orchestral Version)

Gadfreys: Who are you kidding, dude? You can't pull off that hat.
Rockefeller: I absolutely can, man. This is the answer to all of my problems! I have been checking myself out in the mirror all morning and I am without a doubt the world's hottest guy in this outfit. The baseball cap is what completes the whole thing, man. Makes it perfect. You can't honestly be dissing on this get-up.

[FOUR MONTHS LATER]

Rockefeller: I tested positive, bro.
Gadfreys: Fuck.

[THREE WEEKS LATER]

Gadfreys: Nah, bro, I'm in the clear.

[FIVE YEARS LATER]

Rockefeller: You remember that one time we went out and I was wearing that baseball cap backwards with the carpenter's outfit?
Gadfreys: Yeah, that was awful. Jesus.
Rockefeller: I dunno, man, I thought I looked pretty good in that.
Gadfreys: You gotta be kidding me, bro.

[ONE WEEK LATER]

Gadfreys: Oh, shit, I really don't feel so well.
Gadfreys runs to the bathroom to vomit, and returns a few moments later.
Gadfreys: Dude, I am really not feeling okay. Maybe I should go to the hospital.
Rockefeller: Don't be silly! You have nothing to worry about. Probably just a delayed hangover or something, dude. Unless you've been poisoned, heh.
Gadfreys: Wait a second, why would you say that?
Rockefeller: What was wrong with the carpenter's outfit, man?
Gadfreys: Why would you even mention poison? Dude, I need to go to the hospital.
Rockefeller: I looked amazing in those clothes. Fuck you.
Gadfreys: What the hell, dude? Did you poison me?
Rockefeller: That was the best clothing I've ever worn, you jerk. You never had any respect.
Gadfreys: I'm calling an ambulance, you crazy fuck.

[THREE DAYS LATER]

Gadfreys arrives to the residence after being released from the hospital. He gets to the front door and tries to open the door, but the lock has changed. He promptly knocks, and Rockefeller comes to answer the door.
Rockefeller: What the hell do you want, you disrespectful little piece of shit?
Gadfreys: I've come for my things. Care to fuck off for half an hour?

[LATER THAT DAY]

Rockefeller is rummaging through his wardrobe, and is shocked to notice the absence of his favourite baseball cap. As he is soon walking down his street with a loaded pistol to locate the whereabouts of Gadfreys, he is hit by a car. Gadfreys, who was called in to identify the body, insisted that the official cause of death be listed as 'Untreated Syphilis' rather than 'Automobile Accident.' He would also go on to finally fully own the residence.

Amazingly Short Stories or You Can't Always Get What You Want

But if you try sometimes, you just might find that you aren't going to get what you need, either. Welcome to the second issue of Amazingly Short Stories, which remains notoriously unknown, but yearns to share with you the powerful lessons learned from the following people who have endured hardship throughout their morose and tortured existences.

Our Love Will Be Forever

Roland was feeling uncomfortable. Ever since he had thrown a raging party at his home, all of his furniture was completely trashed. All he wanted, really, was to just sit on his couch without encountering any sort of difficulty. Instead, the couch was full of gaping holes.

“Don't worry, man,” said Ronald. “At least we still have each other.”

“You know, Ronald, it was your stupid fucking idea to throw a party in the first place. Maybe you ought to reimburse me for all of my broken shit.”

Now both Roland and Ronald were feeling uncomfortable; not just physically and with their tarnished surroundings, but emotionally as well. Roland knew that the only answer to this quarrel would be death: Ronald was a deadbeat with no money and no prospects. He had already long spent his inheritance on video games and cheese & bacon balls. Roland spent the rest of his life being bullied by larger prisoners.

Fat Chance

James Robert Edwards (known colloquially as 'Jim Rob') was on a strict no-food diet. He woke up, noted that his stomach had been making horrid sounds all night, and promptly went to watch some news on the television. The anchor was discussing freshly solved murders in the neighborhood, and Jim Rob could not help but feel relieved that he had not been a victim in this recent spate of ruthless killings.

Nobody would want to kill Jim Rob anyway. You take one look at this fellow and you will realise immediately that something in his demeanor expressly prohibits him from actually inflicting pain upon others through any method other than apathy. Jim Rob is the kind of guy who could kick your ass in any eating contest, but otherwise will just sit there and not say anything. You've probably met people exactly like Jim Rob before.

He couldn't take it anymore. He walked as quickly as he could out of his front door, got into his car, and got some drive-thru fried chicken. He had failed yet again, but the sweet nourishment of the delicious fried poultry and french fries with extra salt gave him feelings of euphoria which he did not even possess words to adequately describe. He would go on to die from heart failure at the age of 38.

But I Just Work at a Theme Park Restaurant

I was taking down the country's great flag in the evening as some men in military uniforms were walking past. Blame my indifference: the flag touched the ground. 'OI! What do ya think you're doin' there??'

'Oh, hi there! I'm a terrorist. I'm about to set off some bombs, and this is my little pre-explosion ritual. I'm letting the flag touch the ground because I know its feelings will get hurt. You guys better get out of the way before the blast! HAHAHA'

I definitely believe that the maniacal laughter at the end is what stopped them from shooting me. So yeah, they beat me up instead but hey, I'm still alive! This is excellent, and I normally hate having broken legs. Anyone fancy a drink?

I Get Up, But I Get Knocked Down Again

Everything seems so futile sometimes. I take a step back, really examine things closely and I can't help but conclude that everything I have done, all I have been working to create, it's all pointless. Completely and utterly pointless. I feel like this so much that I have begun drinking a lot, and can't really stop. Sometimes I get confused and think that the alcohol is what made me depressed, and not the underlying realization which led me to drink in the first place. – Jimryder23

You're telling me, buddy. I feel like shit 100% of the time these days. I used to enjoy waking up, because at least for the first hour or so I had some goddamn time to myself. Now I don't even enjoy that, because when I wake up I only feel the irritation from that goddamn FUCKING alarm clock and I know straight away that another horrible day has just begun. A guy like me could really use a coma, and I don't say that lightly. My therapist told me that this was asinine, so I'm thinking of firing the prick. Nobody tells me what to do, goddammit. – agrarianhat

I feel you Jim. There is just no appreciation for all of the hard work we do nowadays (well hey, I don't know where you guys work, but you seem like pretty reasonable people and hard workers). I am sick and tired of being treated like shit just because of my skin color, too. Here in Baltimore it may as well be a crime to be white. Put on some playful klansman costumes, go for a little walk, end up getting beaten by a black mob while the police cheer them on. Incarceration was total hell. That being said, I was just telling some little dick who was complaining about America that if he doesn't like it, he should leave. Is there no gratitude? No respect? This country has gone down the fucking toilet and the haters are instating a military dictatorship. – myFreedomIsnotFree

I'm not some teabagging piece of shit, MFINF, and we are here to talk about my drinking problem. Fuck off. – Jimryder23

Reading your comments here makes me worry that all of you suffer from really serious stress issues. Have any of you considered meditation or any of that other wacky new age shit? It could really help you guys out. – ChiefBalls

Look, you nihilistic piece of shit, just drink yourself into oblivion. And if ag-hat hasn't picked up a booze habit yet, he probably should, assuming he doesn't own any firearms. Do you raving lunatics think that anyone else actually cares about your problems? The only person who is going to make you stop drinking is you, so quit complaining to the rest of us. – FatHatter64

I told my therapist to bite me today, and that there wouldn't be a check in the mail. I'll just tell my wife that the whole therapy idea didn't really work out; I'm sure she will understand. All of you guys insinuating that I have an anger problem: really? Me? I have never even thought that about myself. None of my friends have ever suggested it either. Really? – agrarianhat

Ya really. Your therapist sounds pretty useless, incidentally, so I agree with you there. – ChiefBalls

I can't even fucking think right now, I drank so much last night and blacked out and find myself back home and without any brain function at all. In between drinking water and throwing up, I have been trying to piece together what the hell even happened last night, but it is pointless, just like everything else. – Jimryder23

I get up again, pour another drink, and fall right on my face; repeat endlessly. – Proverbial_goat

Praise Jesus: An Evangelical’s Weekly Advice Column (#2)

Hi there, earnest Christian reader! My name is John, and today I will again be addressing the letters of good concerned people from all across the nation. I hope and pray that you find this information useful in equipping yourselves in combat! All over our great country we are fighting a “culture war”: on your college campus, at the local Wal-Mart, and yes, even in your own home. If you are to successfully prove God’s grace to the heathens, you must be able to defend the faith adequately. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me for next week’s edition.

Dear John:
My thirteen-year-old son has been staying in his room a lot and isolating himself from the family, a behavior frequently attributed to school shooters. More alarmingly, though, I am beginning to fear that he may be masturbating. If this is the case, what can and should I do about it?
Annie R., Arizona

There are several possible methods to alleviate this potential problem. Firstly, you need to have a frank and honest discussion with him, and explain to him that if he wants to masturbate on this earth he can do it a whole lot more when he is sent to the ninth level of hell with his fellow sinners. Tell him that when he has the urge to masturbate, he should think about something he finds disgusting; for example, eating a bucket of worms, or having his penis removed with a sledgehammer. This is an effective way to prevent feelings of sexual lust and desire from going further. If he is doing it at night unconsciously, you may want to consider tying his hands to a nearby surface with a rope. If all else fails, you can install a secret camera in his room that will alert a siren whenever he begins masturbating.

Dear John:
I am a homosexual agnostic. I want to become a Christian but the Bible’s prohibition of same-sex behavior gives me second thoughts. I do not understand what is wrong with being gay when I did NOT choose to have my lifestyle become the constant hit target of a large segment of the population, and when I did NOT choose who I am and am not sexually attracted to. What exactly is wrong with being gay if I am in a loving, committed relationship? What is God’s logic on that?
Jim J., Ohio

Jim, it is possible for someone to be born with a preference towards immoral or criminal behavior! However, you have made the conscious choice to act on that preference, and for that you have upset God greatly. His word, which is everlasting and inerrant, clearly prohibits homosexual relations in all of its forms. May I remind you that there is no such thing as a homosexual relationship that is “loving” or “committed”? Homosexuals are 79% more likely to have tasted someone else’s urine than a normal person. Anal sex, which causes damage to tissue and brings about severe bleeding, has caused the death of millions. AIDS, a disease which gay people created to get sympathy, has ruined the lives of so many people. God wants to extend his compassion to you and your gay friends, but doing that would destroy the very moral fabric of our country! Remember that every time you suck the cock of another man, a family in another town breaks up because they grew cynical on family values! Is that really something you want to be held responsible for?

Dear John:
As I was praying one evening the angel of the LORD God came upon me and informed me that billions of people everyday sought medical care when the only true cure is Jesus! Do you think we as Christians should campaign against doctors for presenting people with false hope?
Jonny W., New Jersey

Jonny, you have sound judgment. It bothers me that so many people enter hospitals with the hope of extending the length of a life that is miserable, lonely, and godless. The only way someone can truly be saved is with the grace of Jesus. This is something no amount of medicine can substitute. Doctors have yet to find a cure for cancer; they have advocated the brutal and senseless murder of people they consider “vegetables” (I thought we were evolving, not devolving!), and they tend to be godless sodomite atheists which as you well know are going to have a very special place in hell next to Osama bin Laden and Bill Clinton (just to give you an idea). People need to know the truth about God—and doctors aren’t helping us achieve that goal.

Dear John:
While conducting my daily bonfire of Beatles records and self-help books, I noticed my neighbors sitting on their front porch drinking lemonade. I immediately ran over to take the lemonade from them to stop their immoral consumption of carbonated Satan-juice, at which point they called the police for assault! I am currently serving a one-year sentence in jail. Do you think I did the right thing?
Brad T., Kentucky

You did do the right thing, Brad. Carbonated Satan-juice is corrupting the culture of life in America. People get on a “sugar high” and act hyper and unnatural, when the only excuse to be happy in such a manner as that is when you are filled with the Holy Spirit. It is tantamount to worshiping a false idol, which, as we both know, was a pretext for burning down the whole damn city in the Old Testament. While liberal God-haters consider this a “war crime,” it was clearly God’s preferred course of action. Thus my only complaint is that you did not go far enough! Next time, burn their house down—in the name of the Lord.

Woefully Inadequate Solutions for Serious Problems

Hello; I work for a 'chamomile tea party' group as an assistant policy adviser and my dedication to opposing the socialist agenda in Washington has been brilliant BUT I must remain anonymous for security reasons. Today I would like to outline a number of woefully inadequate solutions for some serious problems we currently face. I will also provide you with the juicy details on how we will disguise these half-baked policies and sell them to the voters in November, because I am confident (and grateful) that this publication will not reveal my identity, having not provided them with it.

Firstly the oil spill. Well here's what NOT to do: everything Obama has done so far, every step of the way. The government only increases problems when it intervenes; everyone knows this. This news of Obama setting up an escrow fund is outright socialism and proof that we are now living in a lawless land of dictatorship. British Petroleum is entirely capable of managing the clean-up effort, which is not really a big deal anyway. In order to win over the populist sentiment we will attack Obama for not doing enough to address the oil spill and even refer to it as an “environmental catastrophe” (but we won't feel good about it). By the time we take over BP will be completely done cleaning up the mess, the oil will be back into its proper containers and the Gulf Coast fishing industry will be back on its feet and we can go back to approving the applications for offshore drilling from oil corporations. In fact to help stimulate the economy we should loosen restrictions on offshore drilling to promote our own economic strength in natural resources.

Secondly the deficit. Okay, here's what NOT to do: everything Obama has done so far, like a so-called economic stimulus package which consisted of almost half tax cuts rather than direct stimulative spending. Instead of calling it a stimulus, let's call it tax relief, and let's get rid of the direct spending, which I like to call “pork-barrel” spending. We should probably start by disbanding the IRS and abolishing the present tax structure entirely, replacing it with a flat tax on spending: a general 12% tax on all sales. The income tax is an invasion of privacy and emblematic of an archaic time where the government had total control over every aspect of your lives (such as NOW). Also, completely remove all unemployment benefits, privatize Social Security, repeal the health care government takeover law, and abolish the Department of Education as well as the Department of Veteran's Affairs. This way we can reduce deficit spending, and fiscal discipline will allow us to better siphon public funds into the continued military operations and full-scale reconstruction of Afghanistan and Iraq for the sake of stabilizing the middle east and making it friendly to us, finally opening up some trading barriers and easing global tensions, which will help to stimulate the economy.

Thirdly jobs. Obviously Obama's jobs bill is dead in the water and entirely worthless. How can we make it more enticing to business owners to begin hiring new workers? The time has come for massive corporate tax relief, as well as lifting cumbersome restrictions that make it difficult to outsource jobs to overseas countries, which can allow American corporations to make better profit margins which thus stimulates our economy. The government should not be in the business of saving jobs, or providing them, or replacing them “temporarily” with socialist welfare payments. We can exploit the sky-high unemployment rate for political purposes while preventing all attempts by Obama to address the issue, making Obama a lame duck president before we even take control of congress back. The taste in my mouth presently is almost too sweet for my own good.

Fourthly moral values. By forcing even our most moderate members of congress to vote against repealing discrimination in the military, we send a strong message to the heartland of America that the Republican party is committed to traditional values. This has also told our own opposition that much of our chamber has no principles or credibility, but they should have known this already. Incidentally gay people are feeling pretty apathetic towards Obama right now – at best – because of his dawdling nature in fighting for gay rights, feeling neglected by his overly cautious attitude. By trying to do anything about it at all, we get to raise up a stink about it and help increase our appeal and turnout among evangelical voters. We will also make an albatross out of Elena Kagan's confirmation to the Supreme Court, noting her total lack of experience and solid career as an inoffensive lackey for liberal interests. Also she could be a lesbian (the White House denies this) which goes back to this whole moral values thing, because there is no way this woman is going to uphold the rights of fetuses, gun owners, and the American taxpayer. Sharron Angle, our go-to girl taking on Harry Reid in Nevada, was recently quoted as advising pregnant rape victims seeking abortion to instead turn lemons into lemonade; another very sound policy thought. I would go into more detail but I saved my best stuff for Playboy, which in lacking any depiction of actual sexual intercourse does not violate my own traditional values ethos. None of this will help to stimulate the economy, so far as I have been able to see yet, but I will continue to look for a way to tie this in together with the broader tea party theme.

Fifthly, and lastly, we must restore honor and dignity to the White House. We can do this as soon as January 2013, after any number of our excellent candidates for the Republican nomination soundly defeat the worst president of modern times in his re-election bid. Until then, Republican control of congress will completely remove any power Obama has left, which already diminishes everyday as the public gradually turns further and further against him. How are we going to achieve this? By campaigning on the above four things ruthlessly. We are sending out “thank you” letters from millionaires who benefited from corporate bailouts in the last three years to various people living in districts represented by Democrats who voted for Bush's TARP. Devious, cunning, or maybe just brilliant? I can tell you right now what this chamomile tea party stands for: the complete dismantling of the government, except in the arenas of foreign affairs and coalition building, weapons and defense, and domestic social policy. Other than that, the government should be smaller than it has ever been. We're talking privatizing the United States Postal Service, selling urban public housing projects to the highest bidder, volunteer or donation-run firefighter services, auctioning off the contents of public libraries, the termination of contracts for road maintenance, and many other exciting benefits of returning to the vision of our nation's founding fathers.

Also our office is looking for interns, so if you can figure out who I work for, definitely pop your head in and ask to get hooked up. Happy sailing,

[NAME REMOVED BY AUTHOR]
Taxation Means No Representation Restaurant, PAC & Lobbying Firm
126 West 32nd Street
Washington, DC, 20586

Tales from Lake Worstershire

It's been a dreadful week in Lake Worstershire, a decaying town where all of the men are jobless, all of the women are over medicated, and all of the children have entirely hopeless outlooks on life.

Robin Jamison broke his nose last Sunday during an altercation with Rats McFeagle, the town's token criminal scumbag and street urchin. Rats had last been seen sniffing gasoline near a dumpster in an alleyway full of abandoned buildings (the economic recession has not exactly been doing wonders for the probably deserving pricks of Lake Worstershire). Nobody around here is particularly surprised when Rats goes completely fucking mental and begins attacking pedestrians for beer money.

Little Jane Fortuitus impressed the community on Monday when she won the local spelling bee competition. Her last opponent, James Fergus of the third grade, was eliminated when he stumbled over the correct spelling of 'polyethylene.' Jane will go on to represent Lake Worstershire in the sectional, multi-school competition at the beginning of September, but for now she wins both the admiration and pride of her small town and a stunning cash prize of $16. There have been reports that she was later spending said cash prize on licorice sticks and lottery tickets. (One friend said that she only bought the candy because “the useless fucks at the supermarket carded her for cigarettes.”)

Reverend Robert M. Swett was sighted near the West Lake Public Park by himself last Saturday, lying on the ground in a state of paralyzed laughter. Though certain cynics have suggested that the honorable Reverend had ingested so-called 'magic' mushrooms he had picked in the park, Robert insists that nothing illegal or immoral happened: “I was looking for some solitude so that I could connect with the Holy Spirit, and that is certainly what I was doing when the police and newspaper paparazzi caught me lying in the dirt laughing at an empty bench.” He delivered a brand new sermon the next morning at Lake Worstershire First United Church of Christ (known locally as FUCC) regarding the impending destruction of the planet following the return of Jesus Christ, which we should be expecting some time in December of 2012.

Margaret Jones had to call the police after an incident at the Main Street Shopping Center, which is the Lake's central business district and also home to a booming night life. It seems that while Margaret was going through the parking lot with her groceries, a group of four intoxicated females approached her and asked for “money for some cheeseburgers.” Margaret, a law-abiding and upstanding citizen her entire life, knew that this was a violation of town laws prohibiting panhandling. The four women in question have been sentenced to a week in jail, thirty hours of community service, and fines of $250,000 each. Lake Worstershire takes panhandling law violations very seriously (and possibly might be strapped for cash ever since everyone lost their jobs and stopped paying taxes). Said Bonnie Higgins, one of the sentenced: “This is total bullshit.”

While the police have done an admirable job cracking down hard on panhandling, they have had less success with the local string of methamphetamine producers, most of which live in the West Lake Snowy Encove subdivision. State government officials suggest that up to 35% of all of the state supply of meth could be coming from Lake Worstershire, a town of less than 4,000 people and which last saw a net population increase in 1962. Sargeant Ralph Gouschwitz suggested that “because of the heavy dependency this town has on smoking ice, it will be very difficult to eradicate the presence of dealers within Snowy Encove.” He has had to travel with a bodyguard at all times since an assassination attempt in 2007.

So anyway, that's the news from Lake Worstershire, where everyone is shit out of luck and totally down in the dumps. If you aren't tempted to book tickets now, there's probably not much more I can do.

Making Compelling Arguments

Tired of losing arguments on the Internet, or worse, with real people? Imagine the setting: you are at a party talking to some people you don't know. The snob just next to you (and the punch bowl) is spouting complete garbage about the sanctity of life, and you want to stand up for the noble cause of reproductive autonomy. There are many ways to tackle this particular topic, and depending on the intelligence level of your opponent, even the least logical of them may suffice. That is not good enough. You want to go into the argument bulletproof: this way, you can win over the rest of the audience immediately (and when we get down to it, the impressions of others is what this is all really about, other than the persistent need to be proven right).

Several things may occur to you, of varying levels of efficiency. First we have ad hominem personal attacks, like “Your girlfriend looks awfully pregnant there, buddy” or “You just say that because you have a dick” or even “You're so ugly that you are lucky you weren't stomped by the doctor as soon as you fell out.” These are usually not a good idea, because they can backfire and make even a terrible opposing argument look legitimate because of your tarnishing of the discourse. If you only mistep once, you can usually safely repair the situation by remaining calm and analytically thorough for the rest of the conversation. If you give off the impression that you know what you are talking about, the opponent will probably feel the urge to back down (unless he is of the same breed, and then you will have to prove that you actually do know what's what).

You might ask him if he supports capital punishment. If he supports it, he will probably tell you that it is hypocritical of “liberals to support abortion and oppose the death penalty!” He has probably repeated this verbatim so many times that any attempt you could make to explain the logical fallacy he is making will be lost on him. If he is bright, however, begin making your case for why you make a distinction between the killing of a human and that of a fetus or embryo. You will want to find out when he believes “life begins,” and if he answers conception, press him as to whether this means the fertilisation of the egg or the implantation of the blastocyst, because this makes a difference of about two weeks. If he answers the former, find out if he believes in the availability of “morning-after” contraception.

Eventually, you will want this to wind down, especially if other people are listening. Moderately in-depth discussions about fetal development can be a major turn-off, especially at a party, but if you are able to wrap it up with some well-worded conclusion (preferably where you manage to implicate your opponent of subscribing to bigotry), all will be well.

I'll give you another example. Our new setting is casual lunch with friends on a Saturday afternoon; you have all been drinking lots of coffee and enjoying the fun atmosphere of each other's company. Then things take an unexpectedly serious turn. One person mentions that she has begun attending her boyfriend's church right next to the giant K-Mart... yes, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are squirming in your seat to avoid saying anything derogatory, or perhaps avoid saying anything at all. Another friend chimes in that they would sooner stick their hand up the rectum of a weasel than step inside an institution run by the Mormons. Everyone gasps in shock (except you, who is suppressing the urge to chuckle), and one of the bewildered folks demands an apology, which is seconded by another (known alternatively as the Fun Police). Now the onus is on you to back up your friend, for they are a wounded casualty of the conversation.

The first thing to do is completely back away from the actual statement and dismiss it as a juvenile comment made in jest (or a 'joke'). Then, ignoring all interruptions, and with all of the moral indignance you can muster, argue passionately in the defense of free speech. Finish with a point so strong, poignant and resonating that no one will even bother to mention how you have completely changed the subject.

Here is a good one for the young folks. You are asking your parents for permission to stay at a friend's house on a Friday night. Which friend, they ask. You tell them. “I don't know if I really like him. He always smells like cigarettes and dresses in all black clothing. Are you sure that he is going in the right direction, you know, in life? I'm not sure you should spend a night at his house.”

“Wait, which Gerald are you thinking of? This guy moved here two weeks ago.” If necessary, get dropped off somewhere else before getting to your destination. This routine will only work once, of course, which is why any instinctive young ones out there will know better than to provide their parents with such prying details in the first place. Remember: your parents have no idea what it's like to be a kid, because back when they were kids, things were completely different.

Okay, you are trying to haggle at the supermarket. People around you are looking at you like you are a complete moron and jerk for wasting everyone's time, and if you have brought any relatives along with you for this spectacle, they are dying a thousand deaths in embarrassment, waiting for the long nightmare to finally finish. Everyone has a breaking point, though, and as with arguments, haggling relies on persistence. The two activities are so structurally similar that it is shocking.

“Come on, I only have four dollars. Honestly, I am only six cents short, what's the problem?” … “This is an internationally franchised supermarket. You can't come here and expect to bargain with us.” And then, much as you would someone who is failing to grasp the significance of human impact on climate change, you punch them in the face. And walk out of there having paid only four dollars.

Finally, pick your battles wisely. Everyone has to make sacrifices – you didn't think you were an exception, did you? You walk into a room; there are two circles. In Circle A, the centre of attention appears to be a goofy looking ignoramus who is decrying carbon dating in the hopes of convincing his listeners that the earth has not been in existence for any longer than six-thousand years. Circle X is dominated by the ramblings of a scarily muscular athlete with delusions of grandeur and a strong grudge against the “lesser sex.” (At this point, some principled fools may suggest to tackle both issues, or to take whichever one you have a stronger moral drive to correct. You will hopefully be able, however, to align your morals with whichever battle is more expedient.)

Go to Circle X, but don't go by yourself: bring moral support. Then calmly explain that while all of his theories on the importance of gender roles and masculine dominance being a societal necessity are very interesting, you would appreciate it if he could elaborate on how he would expand on this line of thinking in light of the fact that your best friend died due to complications from sex-change surgery two days prior (and when we say 'surgical complications', we mean 'hate bashing'). Not only have you made him look like a total prick, you've just won the heart of the room. Be careful: though your power has increased, you still need to use it more wisely and with greater discernment than ever.

Also, as soon as someone calls you out on using a pre-planned false story in a social setting, you lose pretty much all of your credibility instantly. Nothing stings quite like possessing the sunken reputation of a socially manipulative asshole. I'd provide some advice on how to rehabilitate yourself after following the inane advice in this article, but it's probably best to call it a day.

A Parable for These Trying Times

A young man was in search of a tree which would give him knowledge of all of the earth's well-kept secrets.

Though he had been warned by many an experienced voyager who had taken the same path as he, naturally his curiosity got the better of him and so his wisdom took a backseat as he traveled across the world in the vain hope of locating this miraculous plant.

One day, he grew tired from his walking, and sat down in the shade to have a rest. It was then that he finally appreciated the beauty of his surroundings for the first time, and took in everything around him. For it proved to be a meditative moment, as the young man took solace in the simple fact that evidence of the earth's basic good could be found in any situation, in any place, in even the direst of times.

Eventually, the young man became impatient, and resumed his search for the all-knowing tree. His curiosity had again dictated the actions he would take, and it would showcase itself to be a pivotal decision.

After many weeks of tiresome transportation by foot, his shoes began to display unsightly holes in all areas, and the soles of his feet felt sore and swollen. There were big black rings under his eyes, and he smelled vaguely like a rotten corpse. He had reached a cliff, and he had no way to get across the other side, except to jump and hope that somewhere on the other side there would be a ladder up. It was not a wise idea, but his wisdom had long been relegated to only the most ignored thoughts of his mind, and so he jumped and fell onto the ground and died.

The tree on the other side of the cliff, incidentally, was just another oak tree.

Getting Things Done (m4mw)

The real problem here, you could say, if you were really being frank about it, and I would prefer that you wouldn't be, but regardless, or irregardless (they mean the same thing, not to change the subject), is that I have a motivation disorder (anti-motivational syndrome, to be specific). I can trace it back to when I was fifteen years old. It had been a grueling day at school, full of rigorous testing, and I was feeling quite down about my academic performance and general self-worth.

My parents were very cynical people (and have probably never actually spoken to poor people in their entire lives), and had always told me not to worry so much about my grades, because “there was always welfare” if I turned out to be a dipshit. This line of thinking was a strong influence of mine. (Looking back on it, the tacit implication there seems to be that I don't get to be one of those guys who just lives with their parents their whole lives. Thanks for the support, guys!)

Anyway, I got home from school and began thinking more deeply about the state of things. Such as, if I couldn't pass a freshman high school class, how could I possibly expect to get a good job and eventually support a normal family? I didn't want to be some kind of outcast, you know? That night I decided to watch programs on television which my parents had prohibited me from viewing, like South Park and Jackass. It was one of the best nights of my life. I had never felt so content.

I kept up with the whole school shindig for quite a while after that, dropping out just before senior graduation, much to the annoyance of the old folks, who questioned my judgement. I didn't like being told what to do anymore so I moved out. Crashing at a friend's place for a couple of days led me to an unfortunate epiphany, namely that I had no money, no assets and no source of income at all. I wasn't comfortable getting a job (since I always hated being told what to do by my parents or teachers or whatever), so since then I have been sleeping on the streets, which is almost as bad as it sounds, but you end up with a lot of free shit. People waste food constantly, and I'm certainly not going to be another chump who pays for it.

Every so often I attempt street performance, but I get the nagging feeling that the donations are out of pity rather than inspiration or enjoyment. It is difficult not to eavesdrop, and I certainly can't help but overhear their snarky jabs at my supposed mental illness or haggard appearance. (“This guy is pretty good” is the best I can get.) The whole process usually just makes me feel like shit. I spend most of my other time in the library. On Halloween I rent a tuxedo and hit the up-scale night clubs and dance the evening away, and I don't even have to worry about how I'm getting home. So I guess those are the highlights.

Could I do better for myself? My parents, downers that they were, always told me that I could do better if I just applied myself. The way I see it, I'm not causing anyone any trouble. I am one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, especially if you have a car and/or inheritance. Swing by the Shelbyville Public Library some time and give me a buzz if you are interested...

Praise Jesus! (An Evangelical's Weekly Advice Column)

Ever since the Jews buried fossils across the earth in 1922 to misguide scientists into a dangerous mindset of evolutionary dogma, the mainstream public has been decreasingly accepting of God’s word as described in the first three chapters of Genesis; namely, that God created Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve!) and allowed them to have children, spawning humanity as we know it.

This week, as always, I will be answering letters from spiritually confused men and women across the country. I hope to dispel any notion of humanity being naturally “good” by giving all of you a taste of just how sinful, ungrateful, and repulsive our species really is. Without further ado, the first letter we have is from Bobby J. in Indiana.

Dear John:
I am a nineteen-year-old Caucasian male who recently started dating a fellow Caucasian female. We are both devout Christians and we would not even think of giving into heathen lustful desires before the day we are married. However, we were wondering if it is acceptable for us to hold hands. It gets difficult to suppress these urges and I hope you will be able to shed some light on the subject.
Bobby J., Indiana

Thank you for your letter, Bobby. Let me say that without question, yes, holding hands before marriage is undoubtedly immoral and must be avoided at all costs. If you at first give into your urges to hold hands with one another, you will no sooner be fornicating without any regard for the sanctity of the relationship which God has commanded all of His children should respect. There is no question that holding hands leads to sin. The only question is how many days after the marriage it becomes acceptable to do so, and whether you may hold hands when the woman is having her period. These are tricky issues where there is no Christian consensus, and I leave it up to you, the reader, to decide.

Dear John:
I was wondering how you could explain the creationist claim that an eye is “irreducibly complex” and therefore must be designed by God if people with a less-than-perfect eye are clearly better off than those who are blind.
Alan R., New York

Alan, you don’t seem to understand the claim that creation-scientists have made! Perhaps you are deliberately misinterpreting it, or creating a false dichotomy so that you can answer a claim that you feel is easily debunked when it was not the claim put forth by those you are disagreeing with. This is what we in logically experienced circles refer to as a “straw man.” Now, I have one simple question for you. If we evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys still exist? Don’t have an answer for that one, do you?

Dear John:
As musical instruments tend to be used to glorify Satan, I prefer music without instrumentation, as I am sure you do as well. However, while listening to my cherished collection of Gregorian chants, I yearned for a beat to be added to it. Do you think that drums are godly additions to the musical experience? Praying for your guidance on this issue,
Joey F., Arkansas

Joey, this is a good question. I think drums are not appropriate, though, because they attempt to make worship seem more 'lively'. Any praise of God does not need to be made more exciting! Additionally, devil-inspired heavy death metal bands use drums, and I don’t believe they are good role models for the type of music we should enjoy and praise God with. However I can understand your pro-percussion sympathies. We need to remember to keep music focused on glorifying God, and not satisfying the urges of sex-crazed young people who can’t enjoy music without a drum being slammed repeatedly in the name of Satan.

Dear John:
My wife recently proposed the option of withdrawing our children from the local public school and homeschooling them herself after our daughter came home worried about global warming. While I have agreed with this, I am curious how we can undo the damage done by the public schools to our children before it is too late.
Liam N., Montana

Liam, you should isolate your children in separate rooms until they renounce any untrue or immoral things they were indoctrinated into believing by the Satanic school system. It is important to take care of these problems irrespective of the means required. Teenagers who believe in global warming are infinitely more likely to become pregnant, shoot heroin, accept money for sexual relations, contract gonorrhea, participate in human smuggling, vote Democrat, and become victims of incest! If this is a future you wish to steer your children away from, you must take action now. I pray for God's awesome strength and guidance for you in completing these goals.

Amazingly Short Stories or a Guide to Extreme Living

Welcome to the first issue of Amazingly Short Stories, the notoriously unknown underground publication which never disappoints in the form of riveting, soul-tickling tales. Today our theme is a “Guide to Extreme Living.” Through the stories of the following three people, we see a dedication to extreme living (ed. note – whatever the fuck that is, anyway) which is uncommon in today’s society. We hope you find these stories useful in shaping your own attitudes toward extreme living.

Nearly Miss Oklahoma

Jenny looked into her bathroom mirror. What she saw both amazed and repulsed her. Though, in all fairness, she was once an attractive woman (as her 4th place showing in the Miss Oklahoma beauty pageant of 1990 taught her), she had really started to let things go. Yet in the mire of her worn and ugly reflection, she could recall a history of independence and rebellion. Once recognised by everyone in her small rural community to be the hottest shit in town, her foray into local socialist politics caused her to experience wholesale ostracisation. After attempting to establish a public bus system, a public library, a public rubbish and recycling collection service, and a generous city welfare program for the poorer inhabitants, she was run out of the town with pitchforks and assault rifles.

“...And don’t ever come back!” yelled Pastor Robbins, who led the pack and aimed a pitchfork at Jenny with his right hand and a bow and arrow with his left. “Your proposals would have bankrupted us into the ground, you big government whore!” another impassioned citizen added. Running frantically for her dear life, Jenny began to question why she had ever bothered trying to alleviate the disparity between the rich and the poor where she had lived. She went on to get a real job in a real city where real socialists lived. Jenny never forgot about how she had been mistreated, though, and once spent five years attempting to develop a bomb to rid her home town of its ignorant yokels.

She has been able to find happiness in two things: the philosophical musings of Karl Marx, and, later on, Heidi Klum’s astounding set of six products (‘In an Instant’) which hide the visible effects of aging on your skin. For only five payments of $49.95 (not including shipping & handling), you too can enjoy the solace that has been afforded to Jenny!

Dealing with Cancerous Lumps (the Heroic Way)

My bumps, my lumps? I have strange bumps and lumps all over my body and I don’t know where they came from. What I do know is that I don’t take shit from anyone, even these mysterious items on my skin. They could be tumors, and I fucking hate cancer. I’m gonna take care of this shit right now.

Necessary items? Scissors, knife, tissues, towel, rubbing alcohol. I take the scissors to my lumps and make an incision, but the scissors are blunt and I require the assistance of the knife. Now there is a great deal of blood gushing from my arm, and it appears that there is a ridiculous amount of cancer just underneath the surface. I am beginning to worry slightly, but I know that this is nothing I can’t deal with.

Next step? Only a weakling would solicit help from a medical professional, so I have to think quickly. Hmm. How do I get rid of disastrous life-threatening cancer, invading every fibre of my being? I create a health beverage: two parts petroleum, two parts toilet water (I go for the bathroom upstairs where the presence of fecal material is more prevalent), one part vanilla syrup. I drink my concoction and wait for several moments. The bleeding has ceased, the lumps are nowhere to be found, and I have an especially bad case of halitosis. I am truly the world’s greatest problem solver.

Four Cookbooks, Three Nostrils and a Wolf

These folks are probably what you would call the radical fringe of the anti-obesity movement. Working for a health advocacy organisation that, for now, will need to remain nameless, has given me access to a lot of strange and unsettling information. I would go into length, but they track my Internet usage at the facility here and I can only be online for brief periods of time each week; violating the curfew comes with dire consequences.

The guy with three nostrils was there. I have never met anyone else, or heard of this anywhere else, but yes, this man had three nostrils. Has, actually. He sleeps across the hall. It is the most aesthetically unpleasing thing I have to look at on a regular basis (and yes, it is really noticeable and you almost can't stop yourself from staring in shock and awe constantly). He also started the fire. The cookbook bonfire, where everyone was wearing trendily skinny jeans and chewing coca leaves while going on about the social evils of major food corporations, was possibly the most pretentious thing I have ever had to do while working in politics.

The other thing is that we have a wolf in the dorms, which has never really been adequately explained. Sometimes I worry that it is to keep the employees, like yours truly, in line (that being said, I have tendencies for paranoia). I have to be honest, the wolf is very intimidating. The wolf howls all the fucking time and I hear it running down the hallway all the time which makes me too nervous to ever leave this goddamn place. Ah; I should not complain so much. It is an interesting job, and by God, is it extreme.

An Honest Look at Urban Development

...Because Every Look So Far Has Been Dishonest

Today we will explore five commonly cited goals of urban advocates and suggest some solutions to tackle the issues raised by these goals. In doing so, we hope to avoid ideological pettiness and subjectivity by examining proposals with an open mind and with the stated purpose of advancing the cause of urban areas at the extreme detrimental expense of those who live elsewhere.

AIM ONE: IMPROVING PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
This highly contentious issue can easily be solved with the universal supply of pogo sticks. This idea is not novel, but it is nonetheless refreshing. The advantages are numerous, including a total lack of negative environmental impact in comparison to practically all other forms of transport. Imagine a busy city intersection where people are riding pogo sticks instead of driving cars. Utopian? Far from it. This proposition could become a blissful reality, and I'm not just saying this because I happen to work in public relations for a corporation which manufactures, among other things, pogo sticks.

AIM TWO: ELIMINATING POVERTY
Brilliant minds have struggled with exactly how to address poverty for as long as it has existed, but there is one simple remedy. Merely print more money! Some may point to moments in history where this particular technique has backfired immensely, often deflating the value of the currency to the point where it becomes worthless. These people have a rudimentary understanding of economics and should be satisfied with their government provided pogo stick.

AIM THREE: CURTAILING THE APPEAL OF SUBURBS
A city is just as much a spiritual entity as it is a physical location, and when a city begins bleeding population to pesky suburbs, its soul suffers. Urban dwellers may leave due to rates of high crime, or perhaps because they want to raise a family in a more isolated environment, or maybe they are just misanthropists with an unconscious desire to gradually become obese and conservative. While these people certainly have rights, mandatory demolition of all suburban and exurban housing should not be out of the question. Anyone who truly hopes for a resurgence in urbanisation must first allow for a total conquering of the opposing forces: the suburbs.

AIM FOUR: LOWERING CRIME
It follows that if the number of things which are illegal is lowered, so will the crime rate. This is why it is imperative that everything be legalised immediately. With a total abolition of laws, crime would cease entirely. Imagine a world without crime: you step out of your apartment, late at night, to judge people walking down your street while you rapidly consume most of a bottle of whiskey. You realise that you are experiencing something you have never quite felt before: no longer must you worry that as you stand out on your street corner drinking like a bum, you suffer the possibility of being the victim of crime! Of course, you could still be attacked by someone walking past, and the police would not be there to do anything about it, but nobody would be keeping a record of it. Relieving, isn't it?

AIM FIVE: DECLARING WAR ON RURAL AREAS
Let's face it: while demolishing suburban housing is a good start, the rural population present a much greater risk to the urbanites. For one thing, they are much more likely to be certifiably insane; perhaps they will shoot you if they see you walking across their lawn, or they might hold you hostage and subject you to religious ceremonies such as exorcism. This is why we will be taking all of the people who have become homeless due to 'AIM THREE' and put them in newly created cities to be placed in every rural area feasibly possible. The cities will be characterless, hastily constructed, and immersed with the influence of conglomerations. So well spread out will these cities be that truly resistent rural persons will be forced to move into caves to escape their otherwise inevitable urbanisation. (Estimated cost of 'AIM FIVE': a deposit of $175 trillion with a full amount to be determined later.)

Student Finds God in High School; Interrupts Class

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – For most people, Tuesday, June 29 this year was just a normal day. Perhaps Roger Williams of Goose Creek, Kentucky, is an exception. While attending a Spanish class at his public high school, he allegedly received a “divine revelation” from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a member of the Royal Godhead and serves as God's present spiritual representative, and has made many appearances throughout the United States and some other developing nations. He was last seen in human form at a Bon Jovi performance in 2006 [confirmed by seven people] in a brief but powerful appearance before a select few number of separated concertgoers.

Roger Williams claims that while his class was watching an informative video, the Holy Spirit began writing to him on the blank piece of paper on his desk. Williams did not need to write back; the Holy Spirit could respond to his thoughts. Though Williams tried to signal to others that the Holy Spirit was writing on his desk, none of his classmates could confirm that this was true. One of them, who asked to remain anonymous, suggested that “...probably no one would have paid attention if it was actually happening, because I mean, that's just nuts. I don't even remember him saying anything anyway, but that's just because I always ignore that freak anyway.” Another anonymous classmate offered similar thoughts, eerily using almost identical vernacular.

Williams goes on to explain the lack of support by suggesting that the Holy Spirit had told him this would occur: “The Spirit warned me that only I could see what he was writing. I couldn't stop myself from telling everyone else, screaming about it honestly, and it was foolish. The things He told me were very interesting, though. For example the reason I still look like I'm eleven is a combination of my hair, clothing, and height. I could never figure it out until now.”

Only his Spanish teacher would confirm that Williams had indeed “attempted to interrupt the class, but I really doubt that anyone would have been paying any attention, to be totally honest with you. I mean I would never tell his parents that, but I can see how the kid is pretty easy to neglect.” She presently serves on the powerful Board of Directors for Kuldred Healthcare Incorporated.

His parents have allowed him to stay home for the rest of the week while he can study the Bible for further guidance, possibly in the hopes of having another divine revelation. His mother offered unconditional emotional support to him and claimed that “he would never tell a lie,” while his father told me privately that “I'm going to ship him into an institution as soon as he turns 18, and that's off the record, by the way.”