...Because Every Look So Far Has Been Dishonest
Today we will explore five commonly cited goals of urban advocates and suggest some solutions to tackle the issues raised by these goals. In doing so, we hope to avoid ideological pettiness and subjectivity by examining proposals with an open mind and with the stated purpose of advancing the cause of urban areas at the extreme detrimental expense of those who live elsewhere.
AIM ONE: IMPROVING PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
This highly contentious issue can easily be solved with the universal supply of pogo sticks. This idea is not novel, but it is nonetheless refreshing. The advantages are numerous, including a total lack of negative environmental impact in comparison to practically all other forms of transport. Imagine a busy city intersection where people are riding pogo sticks instead of driving cars. Utopian? Far from it. This proposition could become a blissful reality, and I'm not just saying this because I happen to work in public relations for a corporation which manufactures, among other things, pogo sticks.
AIM TWO: ELIMINATING POVERTY
Brilliant minds have struggled with exactly how to address poverty for as long as it has existed, but there is one simple remedy. Merely print more money! Some may point to moments in history where this particular technique has backfired immensely, often deflating the value of the currency to the point where it becomes worthless. These people have a rudimentary understanding of economics and should be satisfied with their government provided pogo stick.
AIM THREE: CURTAILING THE APPEAL OF SUBURBS
A city is just as much a spiritual entity as it is a physical location, and when a city begins bleeding population to pesky suburbs, its soul suffers. Urban dwellers may leave due to rates of high crime, or perhaps because they want to raise a family in a more isolated environment, or maybe they are just misanthropists with an unconscious desire to gradually become obese and conservative. While these people certainly have rights, mandatory demolition of all suburban and exurban housing should not be out of the question. Anyone who truly hopes for a resurgence in urbanisation must first allow for a total conquering of the opposing forces: the suburbs.
AIM FOUR: LOWERING CRIME
It follows that if the number of things which are illegal is lowered, so will the crime rate. This is why it is imperative that everything be legalised immediately. With a total abolition of laws, crime would cease entirely. Imagine a world without crime: you step out of your apartment, late at night, to judge people walking down your street while you rapidly consume most of a bottle of whiskey. You realise that you are experiencing something you have never quite felt before: no longer must you worry that as you stand out on your street corner drinking like a bum, you suffer the possibility of being the victim of crime! Of course, you could still be attacked by someone walking past, and the police would not be there to do anything about it, but nobody would be keeping a record of it. Relieving, isn't it?
AIM FIVE: DECLARING WAR ON RURAL AREAS
Let's face it: while demolishing suburban housing is a good start, the rural population present a much greater risk to the urbanites. For one thing, they are much more likely to be certifiably insane; perhaps they will shoot you if they see you walking across their lawn, or they might hold you hostage and subject you to religious ceremonies such as exorcism. This is why we will be taking all of the people who have become homeless due to 'AIM THREE' and put them in newly created cities to be placed in every rural area feasibly possible. The cities will be characterless, hastily constructed, and immersed with the influence of conglomerations. So well spread out will these cities be that truly resistent rural persons will be forced to move into caves to escape their otherwise inevitable urbanisation. (Estimated cost of 'AIM FIVE': a deposit of $175 trillion with a full amount to be determined later.)
Today we will explore five commonly cited goals of urban advocates and suggest some solutions to tackle the issues raised by these goals. In doing so, we hope to avoid ideological pettiness and subjectivity by examining proposals with an open mind and with the stated purpose of advancing the cause of urban areas at the extreme detrimental expense of those who live elsewhere.
AIM ONE: IMPROVING PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
This highly contentious issue can easily be solved with the universal supply of pogo sticks. This idea is not novel, but it is nonetheless refreshing. The advantages are numerous, including a total lack of negative environmental impact in comparison to practically all other forms of transport. Imagine a busy city intersection where people are riding pogo sticks instead of driving cars. Utopian? Far from it. This proposition could become a blissful reality, and I'm not just saying this because I happen to work in public relations for a corporation which manufactures, among other things, pogo sticks.
AIM TWO: ELIMINATING POVERTY
Brilliant minds have struggled with exactly how to address poverty for as long as it has existed, but there is one simple remedy. Merely print more money! Some may point to moments in history where this particular technique has backfired immensely, often deflating the value of the currency to the point where it becomes worthless. These people have a rudimentary understanding of economics and should be satisfied with their government provided pogo stick.
AIM THREE: CURTAILING THE APPEAL OF SUBURBS
A city is just as much a spiritual entity as it is a physical location, and when a city begins bleeding population to pesky suburbs, its soul suffers. Urban dwellers may leave due to rates of high crime, or perhaps because they want to raise a family in a more isolated environment, or maybe they are just misanthropists with an unconscious desire to gradually become obese and conservative. While these people certainly have rights, mandatory demolition of all suburban and exurban housing should not be out of the question. Anyone who truly hopes for a resurgence in urbanisation must first allow for a total conquering of the opposing forces: the suburbs.
AIM FOUR: LOWERING CRIME
It follows that if the number of things which are illegal is lowered, so will the crime rate. This is why it is imperative that everything be legalised immediately. With a total abolition of laws, crime would cease entirely. Imagine a world without crime: you step out of your apartment, late at night, to judge people walking down your street while you rapidly consume most of a bottle of whiskey. You realise that you are experiencing something you have never quite felt before: no longer must you worry that as you stand out on your street corner drinking like a bum, you suffer the possibility of being the victim of crime! Of course, you could still be attacked by someone walking past, and the police would not be there to do anything about it, but nobody would be keeping a record of it. Relieving, isn't it?
AIM FIVE: DECLARING WAR ON RURAL AREAS
Let's face it: while demolishing suburban housing is a good start, the rural population present a much greater risk to the urbanites. For one thing, they are much more likely to be certifiably insane; perhaps they will shoot you if they see you walking across their lawn, or they might hold you hostage and subject you to religious ceremonies such as exorcism. This is why we will be taking all of the people who have become homeless due to 'AIM THREE' and put them in newly created cities to be placed in every rural area feasibly possible. The cities will be characterless, hastily constructed, and immersed with the influence of conglomerations. So well spread out will these cities be that truly resistent rural persons will be forced to move into caves to escape their otherwise inevitable urbanisation. (Estimated cost of 'AIM FIVE': a deposit of $175 trillion with a full amount to be determined later.)
