Hello; I work for a 'chamomile tea party' group as an assistant policy adviser and my dedication to opposing the socialist agenda in Washington has been brilliant BUT I must remain anonymous for security reasons. Today I would like to outline a number of woefully inadequate solutions for some serious problems we currently face. I will also provide you with the juicy details on how we will disguise these half-baked policies and sell them to the voters in November, because I am confident (and grateful) that this publication will not reveal my identity, having not provided them with it.
Firstly the oil spill. Well here's what NOT to do: everything Obama has done so far, every step of the way. The government only increases problems when it intervenes; everyone knows this. This news of Obama setting up an escrow fund is outright socialism and proof that we are now living in a lawless land of dictatorship. British Petroleum is entirely capable of managing the clean-up effort, which is not really a big deal anyway. In order to win over the populist sentiment we will attack Obama for not doing enough to address the oil spill and even refer to it as an “environmental catastrophe” (but we won't feel good about it). By the time we take over BP will be completely done cleaning up the mess, the oil will be back into its proper containers and the Gulf Coast fishing industry will be back on its feet and we can go back to approving the applications for offshore drilling from oil corporations. In fact to help stimulate the economy we should loosen restrictions on offshore drilling to promote our own economic strength in natural resources.
Secondly the deficit. Okay, here's what NOT to do: everything Obama has done so far, like a so-called economic stimulus package which consisted of almost half tax cuts rather than direct stimulative spending. Instead of calling it a stimulus, let's call it tax relief, and let's get rid of the direct spending, which I like to call “pork-barrel” spending. We should probably start by disbanding the IRS and abolishing the present tax structure entirely, replacing it with a flat tax on spending: a general 12% tax on all sales. The income tax is an invasion of privacy and emblematic of an archaic time where the government had total control over every aspect of your lives (such as NOW). Also, completely remove all unemployment benefits, privatize Social Security, repeal the health care government takeover law, and abolish the Department of Education as well as the Department of Veteran's Affairs. This way we can reduce deficit spending, and fiscal discipline will allow us to better siphon public funds into the continued military operations and full-scale reconstruction of Afghanistan and Iraq for the sake of stabilizing the middle east and making it friendly to us, finally opening up some trading barriers and easing global tensions, which will help to stimulate the economy.
Thirdly jobs. Obviously Obama's jobs bill is dead in the water and entirely worthless. How can we make it more enticing to business owners to begin hiring new workers? The time has come for massive corporate tax relief, as well as lifting cumbersome restrictions that make it difficult to outsource jobs to overseas countries, which can allow American corporations to make better profit margins which thus stimulates our economy. The government should not be in the business of saving jobs, or providing them, or replacing them “temporarily” with socialist welfare payments. We can exploit the sky-high unemployment rate for political purposes while preventing all attempts by Obama to address the issue, making Obama a lame duck president before we even take control of congress back. The taste in my mouth presently is almost too sweet for my own good.
Fourthly moral values. By forcing even our most moderate members of congress to vote against repealing discrimination in the military, we send a strong message to the heartland of America that the Republican party is committed to traditional values. This has also told our own opposition that much of our chamber has no principles or credibility, but they should have known this already. Incidentally gay people are feeling pretty apathetic towards Obama right now – at best – because of his dawdling nature in fighting for gay rights, feeling neglected by his overly cautious attitude. By trying to do anything about it at all, we get to raise up a stink about it and help increase our appeal and turnout among evangelical voters. We will also make an albatross out of Elena Kagan's confirmation to the Supreme Court, noting her total lack of experience and solid career as an inoffensive lackey for liberal interests. Also she could be a lesbian (the White House denies this) which goes back to this whole moral values thing, because there is no way this woman is going to uphold the rights of fetuses, gun owners, and the American taxpayer. Sharron Angle, our go-to girl taking on Harry Reid in Nevada, was recently quoted as advising pregnant rape victims seeking abortion to instead turn lemons into lemonade; another very sound policy thought. I would go into more detail but I saved my best stuff for Playboy, which in lacking any depiction of actual sexual intercourse does not violate my own traditional values ethos. None of this will help to stimulate the economy, so far as I have been able to see yet, but I will continue to look for a way to tie this in together with the broader tea party theme.
Fifthly, and lastly, we must restore honor and dignity to the White House. We can do this as soon as January 2013, after any number of our excellent candidates for the Republican nomination soundly defeat the worst president of modern times in his re-election bid. Until then, Republican control of congress will completely remove any power Obama has left, which already diminishes everyday as the public gradually turns further and further against him. How are we going to achieve this? By campaigning on the above four things ruthlessly. We are sending out “thank you” letters from millionaires who benefited from corporate bailouts in the last three years to various people living in districts represented by Democrats who voted for Bush's TARP. Devious, cunning, or maybe just brilliant? I can tell you right now what this chamomile tea party stands for: the complete dismantling of the government, except in the arenas of foreign affairs and coalition building, weapons and defense, and domestic social policy. Other than that, the government should be smaller than it has ever been. We're talking privatizing the United States Postal Service, selling urban public housing projects to the highest bidder, volunteer or donation-run firefighter services, auctioning off the contents of public libraries, the termination of contracts for road maintenance, and many other exciting benefits of returning to the vision of our nation's founding fathers.
Also our office is looking for interns, so if you can figure out who I work for, definitely pop your head in and ask to get hooked up. Happy sailing,
[NAME REMOVED BY AUTHOR]
Taxation Means No Representation Restaurant, PAC & Lobbying Firm
126 West 32nd Street
Washington, DC, 20586
