#1: You don't have to worry about being homeless. Poverty is a fate rarely visited upon by the valiant soul who has sought and attained a good education, and likewise homelessness can only occur to the most illiterate of people who toil in their lack of clean clothes and in their ignorance of Roman history. Uneducated and homeless, these people become trapped in a vicious cycle of vagabond tendencies, poor nutrition and intoxicant abuse, and are unlikely to choose a way out if so provided. This is one of the best reasons to stay in school, not that we are trying to instill bigotry against the homeless, because they can be great people (not to mention war veterans).
#2: You will become normal and well-adjusted. Kids who stay in school grow up to be normal, happy adults with great families and good jobs. They get to look after huge gardens in their expansive front and backyards, all while admiring their gigantic house with two spare rooms. This is the dream, right? Don't throw it away by staying home and watching cartoons all day instead of going to school! People who do this tend to end up possessing an irrational hatred of mankind. Misanthropy is still a capital crime in sixteen states, so play it safe.*
#3: You earn the respect from your family and friends that you otherwise would not deserve. It's graduation day, and everyone is so proud of you! This is your special day! Thanks to your mountainous and meaningful accomplishments, you are now guaranteed to be happy and successful for the rest of your life. Your family knows this, and they are rejoicing in your financial security too. Your friends are impressed that you didn't turn out to be a dipshit, and will probably not get rid of your phone number.
#4: You will be able to get a job in the field you want. If you work hard and stick to it, you just might end up with a set of qualifications so unbeatable that you will be a shoe-in for all sorts of extremely well paying jobs, which demand all sorts of time and effort on your behalf. Once you have been doing this for a decade or so, if you've been saving money, you can start working in something a little bit less hectic, and maybe even get your social life back, or at least start watching more television. At no point during this period are you to experience intense anger or suicidal thoughts, and if this happens, you should consult a physician immediately (and possibly go back to college to get another degree, which may help you become more normal and well-adjusted).
#5: You will not become sick. If you get an education, you will know better than to partake in activities which are harmful to your mental and physical health. Hospitals are filled with people unable to read and comprehend even basic warnings and instructions on household appliances, injuring themselves in pointless ways. You would be surprised how many folks drop out of high school and then cook toast in the bathtub. Similarly, someone with an education is going to look at an advertisement for wild berry flavoured soft candies, and incorporate their knowledge of tooth decay, diabetes, etc. into their decision, rather than begin consuming them. Without access to the right information (which can only be obtained through accredited education), your immune system collapses; your remains are left for the vultures.
#6: You aren't going to be a criminal scumbag. If you examine criminal activity closely, you will notice how so much of it seems to be directly a result of poor communication and outright misinformation within the criminal scumbag community. People mug you on the street because they have not been educated and do not understand that money is legally obtained through employment. Simply showing up to class can help you avert the fate of the filthy degenerate who urinates on your doorstep at seven o'clock in the morning, only to be hauled away unwillingly by enforcers of statute.
* We received some very concerning reports about a group of high school drop-outs in Des Moines, Iowa who organised a fraternity devoted to personal apathy with special emphasis on an activity which one observer described as “dick dunking in a giant tub of ketchup” followed by oral sex, and in some cases, insulin injections. Local police appear unwilling to investigate the suspicious methods of this group, but the lesson here for the rest of society is clear.
