You are:
a. Working part-time at a bar/cafe/clothing outlet
b. About to have your second child
c. Investing heavily in the stock market
If any of the above apply to you, stop reading immediately. The information in this article is also not safe for those who live in heavily snowy areas, are hoping to obtain financial security by riding on the success of their friends, or engage in underground bird smuggling and trade.
Now that we have that out of the way, let us ponder briefly what exactly is the best way to eradicate the illegal bird trade in the world which threatens the lives of endangered species and treats animals in cruel and unusual ways. The first thing is poisoning the supply: even your closest friends and family who work in the underground bird smuggling and trade industry must be killed. Don't even think twice. Long-term strategy: if demand persists and new suppliers spring up, it then becomes time to poison the demand. Start killing people left and right!
Think for a moment about the sort of people who would want to collect the feathers of extremely threatened birds and put them on their wall as a wreath to admire while they chew away on some grilled kakapo. These aren't even people: they are parasitic targets, and do not deserve the respect of a fair legal system or humane treatment. 'Bird Killers Shot on Sight' is our aim here. The parasitic targets have left us no choice but to completely remove them from society, without regard to any of their own individual accomplishments or professed virtues. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
As with any populist proposal to solve a problem such as this, there are naysayers, and they are blinded with irrational bigotry towards birds, as well as a “bleeding heart” mentality towards criminal activity. Is it really so far fetched to entertain the eradication of bird smuggling through such ruthless means? The balance of our very ecosystem depends on the continued existence of these birds, and it seems many of us are comfortable just turning a blind eye. I say: you lose all of your rights the second you seek to engage in the bird trade. Want to get serious? Want to get tough on environmental crime? Here's our winning model.
Let's talk about hunting. Hunting is pretty fucked up. You know the type: some fat asshole who goes out at a ridiculous hour to shoot eighteen ducks, jerk off in the bushes, and then leave. On the way home, he gets some drive through KFC for lunch. The ducks are rotting away unattended near the lake. He doesn't eat duck. He finds the texture unappealing. And there you have the story of every hunter, viciously and wastefully killing animals to cater to their own pleasure in cruel and sadistic activity. Our specimen does this for a solid thirty years and then comes to the doctor with a bloated liver and erectile dysfunction only to leave with a bunch of medication that you just paid for.
If we really want to tackle the looming health care crisis, perhaps we should focus less on centralisation (and its frightening overtones of digital record keeping and increased risk of fraud) and more on regressive consumption taxes, which will help pay for the increasing medical costs. What's the point of prohibiting welfare recipients from buying beer if they buy chocolate cake instead? They end up in the hospital anyway, using your money to pay for their hideous oral cancer therapy. Isn't it about time we started using some really draconian tactics to fuck over the poor? If all of this rhetoric coming from the right wing is accurate, people on welfare are buying cigarettes and pornography, then giving these items to their children while drinking their sorrows away in some battered location, only to use even more public money further on to address their inevitable immune system disaster. Sure, we could require that 50% of welfare funds are spent on 'life essentials' such as food and rent (Sprite and a slum). Maybe we could also require people on the dole to pay for their own medical care too, since they probably need more of it and are draining the system. You play the system, you pay into the system, correct? I mean, we're all about saving your money and respecting the autonomy of the free market around here, so let's act like it.
In the end, it truly comes down to giving people a 'fair go.' Tolerance, respect and understanding are the cornerstone of our society, and this is the foundation from which we find our principles. So to all of those money hungry bastards waiting for a cheque in the mail, I say: prepare to find yourself digging through the dumpster for your dinner, because if that's what it takes to stimulate this economy, then the rest of the country just turned its unappreciated back on your ass.
This manifesto is not intended to be exclusionary, dehumanising, or arbitrary in its narrow and prejudiced aims. Did I forget to mention boat people?
