Are you looking for excitement this month? Are you sick and tired of your mundane life at home? If the answer is yes (and of course it is!), it's time to pack your bags and drive over to Yullhitzville, where the summers are cold and the residents don't talk about winter. On the way there, you'll get to make lots of stops at your favourite gasoline stores and fine dining restaurants, as well as on the side of the road whenever the young ones need to go to the bathroom (because, well, let's face it: we try to be civilised, but these are children you're dealing with here).
Once you get to Yullhitzville, you'll definitely want to prepare accommodation if you haven't done so already. You will have many options, including lovely and secluded B&B's, high-class hotels and dirt cheap motels with deals you wouldn't believe. You can also sleep in your car. After you have sorted this out, you will definitely want to check out the Yullhitzville Chocolate Factory, where for a minimal fee you and your family can enjoy the fun Chocolate Factory Tour, and even have your photo taken as you get off the Choco-RollerCoaster Fun Ride. Perhaps you are looking for a light lunch, or even some fine cuisine: you will note the emphasis on carbohydrates, particularly alcohol, in the local diet. Portions are generous and residents generally do not ask for “doggy bags.” (One particular item of town pride is the 'Yullhitzville Bacon Sandwich', which consists of two slices of white bread, one pound of fried bacon, a dollop of mayo, and two slices of Kraft American processed cheese. Pickle, lettuce and mustard are optional, and usually cost extra.)
After eating a third of your Yullhitzville Bacon Sandwich, along with some of the provided portions of fries, hash browns, bread rolls, and beer, you may wish to take a brisk stroll across the park, which is usually empty and inhabited by venomous snakes. Otherwise, you can keep driving along to the Local Arts Centre, where abstract art is all the rage. The town is known for its widespread participation by drug addicts in the art competitions, or as one resident explains, “junkies bringing in piles of trash held together by glue which they usually sniff off, which is why the piles fall apart, but because nobody here really gives a damn, they all walk out of here with fifty dorra.” This man, who wishes to remain anonymous, is an assistant manager at a hardware store, and recommends visiting the town despite what he describes as a prevalence of heroin addiction in the art community, saying that “...this city really needs the money, and I'm pretty sure the tourism industry is the only one that hasn't started dying yet.” The city council has warned that because of the economic downturn, less people are visiting this year.
So you may be asking: why the hell would I come here, and eat this awful food, and look at some piles of rubbish? Because after that, you'll definitely want to take note of the city's absolute non-enforcement of virtually all laws. Worried about getting wasted and blowing your hard earned cash on taxi rides? Never fear: this town has not yet been notified that drunk driving is illegal. There isn't a taxi service anyway, because you don't need a license to drive, and barely working cars are left all over the place all of the time. The police are even selling some of their older cars to out-of-towners interested in the preservation of historic items, so if you feel like buying a cop car, now is the time to do it. Perhaps you wish to play poker, blackjack? The casinos are all over Main Street and Josef Street, which is named for Joseph McCarthy, so make sure to bring your house deed along too!
Times are changing, and cities are progressing. Yullhitzville is emblematic of small, technologically hip communities everywhere. You have wireless access to the Internet all throughout the urban central district. You can get a 'Cappuccino' or a 'Latte' from pretty much every store that sells anything anywhere in the whole city. (Beware of the 'Latte' drink provided at Phantom Pub, which is likely to contain anti-freeze.) The bus that runs throughout the suburban shopping area to the central district, ghettos, and finishes at the gated community will not even charge you a fare, though you may get stabbed. The city is pushing for environmentally friendly restrictions on resource extraction in the area also, which has drawn the ire of some residents, including the leader of the local Coal Miners' Union, Rick Feathers, who explains that “although global warming is very much a real problem that we as a people must deal with, it is definitely not our local responsibility. I mean, these people are talking about crippling our economy.” Rick Feathers also works part-time as a mechanic for the Choco-RollerCoaster Fun Ride.
Yullhitzville is also the atmosphere that inspired the imaginative creativity of such legends as Lenny Funk, a folk musician whose guitar work is considered legendary in the area, and John Blont Blounce, the children's author and rhyming genius. (Who hasn't sat down to read 'The Dog in the Scarf' with their kids in the last three decades?) So pack your things, get your family excited, and load up on petrol, because you are going to be driving for a hell of a long time. Four or five days, minimum. This would also be a great time to consider investing in house insurance in case there is a disaster when you are trying to enjoy your carefree vacation, which is available at competitive rates from our corporate parent.
