It's more of the HIGH QUALITY, in-depth, riveting coverage you have been waiting for!
Q: What in God's name is that lunatic going on about?
A: Which one?
Q: The one claiming to be your assistant at the front desk.
A: Oh yes. He is one of my deluded fans. Ignore him.
We're always live, ON SCENE, where real news is actually happening!
R: Well, Jim, it looks like what we have here is a baseball riot. People are getting shot, stabbed with broken bottles, we even have reports of gang beatings occurring right here. This is absolutely stunning, Jim, absolutely stunning. I'll be here all evening just in case something really messed up happens. Jim?
Jim: Thanks, furry. Let's check out Kelly and her weather report!
Kelly: Thanks, Jim! This blouse was 40% off at Kenny's last weekend! Can you believe it?
Jim: It's a good fit. That looks fantastic, truly beautiful, Kelly. Now we're going to see, LIVE, the latest from Green Day in the studio with Rick Rubin collaborating with Jay-Z and AC/DC!
Kelly: It's going to be raining all week, asshole.
Are you expecting just a little bit MORE out of your basic all-purposes television network? Hey, we don't just show live golf games and reality TV: we have reality golf! Our wacky participants who are real people just like you play golf, injure themselves insignificantly, and make snide remarks about their peers every Monday to Thursday at 6:30 pm. The following is just a sample of our fine programming, from our Tuesday morning schedule (all programming rated G)!
12:00-5:00 – Home Shopping Suicide
5:00-5:30 – Binky Gets Thumped
5:30-6:00 – Fort Worth High School Glory Hole
6:00-7:00 – The Local News
7:00-8:00 – The National News
8:00-8:05 – The Global News
8:05-9:00 – Tom & Jerry & Friends
9:00-9:30 – Clara's Facial Makeover
9:30-10:00 – Homer Blows the Census Worker
10:00-10:30 – What's Hott (Top 40 Music Vidz)
10:30-11:00 – Special Weather Report with Kelly
11:00-12:00 – Bill Cosby's Latest Condescending Talk Show
So tune in, grab a blanket and some popcorn, and get ready to watch the mid-afternoon movie after that!
