Tired of losing arguments on the Internet, or worse, with real people? Imagine the setting: you are at a party talking to some people you don't know. The snob just next to you (and the punch bowl) is spouting complete garbage about the sanctity of life, and you want to stand up for the noble cause of reproductive autonomy. There are many ways to tackle this particular topic, and depending on the intelligence level of your opponent, even the least logical of them may suffice. That is not good enough. You want to go into the argument bulletproof: this way, you can win over the rest of the audience immediately (and when we get down to it, the impressions of others is what this is all really about, other than the persistent need to be proven right).
Several things may occur to you, of varying levels of efficiency. First we have ad hominem personal attacks, like “Your girlfriend looks awfully pregnant there, buddy” or “You just say that because you have a dick” or even “You're so ugly that you are lucky you weren't stomped by the doctor as soon as you fell out.” These are usually not a good idea, because they can backfire and make even a terrible opposing argument look legitimate because of your tarnishing of the discourse. If you only mistep once, you can usually safely repair the situation by remaining calm and analytically thorough for the rest of the conversation. If you give off the impression that you know what you are talking about, the opponent will probably feel the urge to back down (unless he is of the same breed, and then you will have to prove that you actually do know what's what).
You might ask him if he supports capital punishment. If he supports it, he will probably tell you that it is hypocritical of “liberals to support abortion and oppose the death penalty!” He has probably repeated this verbatim so many times that any attempt you could make to explain the logical fallacy he is making will be lost on him. If he is bright, however, begin making your case for why you make a distinction between the killing of a human and that of a fetus or embryo. You will want to find out when he believes “life begins,” and if he answers conception, press him as to whether this means the fertilisation of the egg or the implantation of the blastocyst, because this makes a difference of about two weeks. If he answers the former, find out if he believes in the availability of “morning-after” contraception.
Eventually, you will want this to wind down, especially if other people are listening. Moderately in-depth discussions about fetal development can be a major turn-off, especially at a party, but if you are able to wrap it up with some well-worded conclusion (preferably where you manage to implicate your opponent of subscribing to bigotry), all will be well.
I'll give you another example. Our new setting is casual lunch with friends on a Saturday afternoon; you have all been drinking lots of coffee and enjoying the fun atmosphere of each other's company. Then things take an unexpectedly serious turn. One person mentions that she has begun attending her boyfriend's church right next to the giant K-Mart... yes, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are squirming in your seat to avoid saying anything derogatory, or perhaps avoid saying anything at all. Another friend chimes in that they would sooner stick their hand up the rectum of a weasel than step inside an institution run by the Mormons. Everyone gasps in shock (except you, who is suppressing the urge to chuckle), and one of the bewildered folks demands an apology, which is seconded by another (known alternatively as the Fun Police). Now the onus is on you to back up your friend, for they are a wounded casualty of the conversation.
The first thing to do is completely back away from the actual statement and dismiss it as a juvenile comment made in jest (or a 'joke'). Then, ignoring all interruptions, and with all of the moral indignance you can muster, argue passionately in the defense of free speech. Finish with a point so strong, poignant and resonating that no one will even bother to mention how you have completely changed the subject.
Here is a good one for the young folks. You are asking your parents for permission to stay at a friend's house on a Friday night. Which friend, they ask. You tell them. “I don't know if I really like him. He always smells like cigarettes and dresses in all black clothing. Are you sure that he is going in the right direction, you know, in life? I'm not sure you should spend a night at his house.”
“Wait, which Gerald are you thinking of? This guy moved here two weeks ago.” If necessary, get dropped off somewhere else before getting to your destination. This routine will only work once, of course, which is why any instinctive young ones out there will know better than to provide their parents with such prying details in the first place. Remember: your parents have no idea what it's like to be a kid, because back when they were kids, things were completely different.
Okay, you are trying to haggle at the supermarket. People around you are looking at you like you are a complete moron and jerk for wasting everyone's time, and if you have brought any relatives along with you for this spectacle, they are dying a thousand deaths in embarrassment, waiting for the long nightmare to finally finish. Everyone has a breaking point, though, and as with arguments, haggling relies on persistence. The two activities are so structurally similar that it is shocking.
“Come on, I only have four dollars. Honestly, I am only six cents short, what's the problem?” … “This is an internationally franchised supermarket. You can't come here and expect to bargain with us.” And then, much as you would someone who is failing to grasp the significance of human impact on climate change, you punch them in the face. And walk out of there having paid only four dollars.
Finally, pick your battles wisely. Everyone has to make sacrifices – you didn't think you were an exception, did you? You walk into a room; there are two circles. In Circle A, the centre of attention appears to be a goofy looking ignoramus who is decrying carbon dating in the hopes of convincing his listeners that the earth has not been in existence for any longer than six-thousand years. Circle X is dominated by the ramblings of a scarily muscular athlete with delusions of grandeur and a strong grudge against the “lesser sex.” (At this point, some principled fools may suggest to tackle both issues, or to take whichever one you have a stronger moral drive to correct. You will hopefully be able, however, to align your morals with whichever battle is more expedient.)
Go to Circle X, but don't go by yourself: bring moral support. Then calmly explain that while all of his theories on the importance of gender roles and masculine dominance being a societal necessity are very interesting, you would appreciate it if he could elaborate on how he would expand on this line of thinking in light of the fact that your best friend died due to complications from sex-change surgery two days prior (and when we say 'surgical complications', we mean 'hate bashing'). Not only have you made him look like a total prick, you've just won the heart of the room. Be careful: though your power has increased, you still need to use it more wisely and with greater discernment than ever.
Also, as soon as someone calls you out on using a pre-planned false story in a social setting, you lose pretty much all of your credibility instantly. Nothing stings quite like possessing the sunken reputation of a socially manipulative asshole. I'd provide some advice on how to rehabilitate yourself after following the inane advice in this article, but it's probably best to call it a day.