Hi there, earnest Christian reader! My name is John, and today I will again be addressing the letters of good concerned people from all across the nation. I hope and pray that you find this information useful in equipping yourselves in combat! All over our great country we are fighting a “culture war”: on your college campus, at the local Wal-Mart, and yes, even in your own home. If you are to successfully prove God’s grace to the heathens, you must be able to defend the faith adequately. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me for next week’s edition.
Dear John:
My thirteen-year-old son has been staying in his room a lot and isolating himself from the family, a behavior frequently attributed to school shooters. More alarmingly, though, I am beginning to fear that he may be masturbating. If this is the case, what can and should I do about it?
Annie R., Arizona
There are several possible methods to alleviate this potential problem. Firstly, you need to have a frank and honest discussion with him, and explain to him that if he wants to masturbate on this earth he can do it a whole lot more when he is sent to the ninth level of hell with his fellow sinners. Tell him that when he has the urge to masturbate, he should think about something he finds disgusting; for example, eating a bucket of worms, or having his penis removed with a sledgehammer. This is an effective way to prevent feelings of sexual lust and desire from going further. If he is doing it at night unconsciously, you may want to consider tying his hands to a nearby surface with a rope. If all else fails, you can install a secret camera in his room that will alert a siren whenever he begins masturbating.
Dear John:
I am a homosexual agnostic. I want to become a Christian but the Bible’s prohibition of same-sex behavior gives me second thoughts. I do not understand what is wrong with being gay when I did NOT choose to have my lifestyle become the constant hit target of a large segment of the population, and when I did NOT choose who I am and am not sexually attracted to. What exactly is wrong with being gay if I am in a loving, committed relationship? What is God’s logic on that?
Jim J., Ohio
Jim, it is possible for someone to be born with a preference towards immoral or criminal behavior! However, you have made the conscious choice to act on that preference, and for that you have upset God greatly. His word, which is everlasting and inerrant, clearly prohibits homosexual relations in all of its forms. May I remind you that there is no such thing as a homosexual relationship that is “loving” or “committed”? Homosexuals are 79% more likely to have tasted someone else’s urine than a normal person. Anal sex, which causes damage to tissue and brings about severe bleeding, has caused the death of millions. AIDS, a disease which gay people created to get sympathy, has ruined the lives of so many people. God wants to extend his compassion to you and your gay friends, but doing that would destroy the very moral fabric of our country! Remember that every time you suck the cock of another man, a family in another town breaks up because they grew cynical on family values! Is that really something you want to be held responsible for?
Dear John:
As I was praying one evening the angel of the LORD God came upon me and informed me that billions of people everyday sought medical care when the only true cure is Jesus! Do you think we as Christians should campaign against doctors for presenting people with false hope?
Jonny W., New Jersey
Jonny, you have sound judgment. It bothers me that so many people enter hospitals with the hope of extending the length of a life that is miserable, lonely, and godless. The only way someone can truly be saved is with the grace of Jesus. This is something no amount of medicine can substitute. Doctors have yet to find a cure for cancer; they have advocated the brutal and senseless murder of people they consider “vegetables” (I thought we were evolving, not devolving!), and they tend to be godless sodomite atheists which as you well know are going to have a very special place in hell next to Osama bin Laden and Bill Clinton (just to give you an idea). People need to know the truth about God—and doctors aren’t helping us achieve that goal.
Dear John:
While conducting my daily bonfire of Beatles records and self-help books, I noticed my neighbors sitting on their front porch drinking lemonade. I immediately ran over to take the lemonade from them to stop their immoral consumption of carbonated Satan-juice, at which point they called the police for assault! I am currently serving a one-year sentence in jail. Do you think I did the right thing?
Brad T., Kentucky
You did do the right thing, Brad. Carbonated Satan-juice is corrupting the culture of life in America. People get on a “sugar high” and act hyper and unnatural, when the only excuse to be happy in such a manner as that is when you are filled with the Holy Spirit. It is tantamount to worshiping a false idol, which, as we both know, was a pretext for burning down the whole damn city in the Old Testament. While liberal God-haters consider this a “war crime,” it was clearly God’s preferred course of action. Thus my only complaint is that you did not go far enough! Next time, burn their house down—in the name of the Lord.
